Diary entry 19/8/26
I’m going to put some of the things i’ve learned lately regarding the sites’ content. These are things i’ve picked up along the way while trying to understand what is allowed and what is not with international payment processors.
I’m talking about high risk payment processors, some of which work with adult sites. Live-streaming, pornography and so on. One would assume if they could support contents like those, surely they will be ok with fiction stories on this site.
Unfortunately, that is not the case.
One cannot assume that if a processor is willing to allow life streaming with a naked woman, they will work with every content creator.
I’ve sought clarifications, asked questions. Some were patient enough to reply and point out the site’s shortcomings and suggest possible fixes. Some ignored me straight away and said no. Some ghosted me outright. I’ve lost count of the number of applications i’ve put in honestly.
What i can summarise though, is this.
Nonconsensual contents are generally not accepted. Family, like twin sisters, sister in law, mother in law. These are a hard no too.
A story about issues with sister and brother in law, then turning them against each other, taking their money, their resources, splitting them apart, then, as a result of that split, the stress, the culmination of emotions and your sister in law accidentally gave herself to you, yes.
But if it’s forcing your sister in law to drink till she knocks out and you bend her over the kitchen counter against her will, then no.
Of course, twisted works like using other men’s semen on your girlfriend, your spouse, blindfolded wife sharing against her will. These are not allowed even as fiction stories.
I mean you can write them, people can read them, but payment processors will not process the sale of these content.
So where does that leave us?
The answer is simple, the site has to change. The content which it produces, has to change.
Long form stories with plotline, office politics, affairs, manipulation, all these work fine. A wife being manipulated and blackmail by her boss as part of the overall plot, that is fine. Writing about them having sex is fine, as long as you don’t mention the body parts and the act itself.
Something like this is not allowed :
“I fucked my cock to the hilt, burying myself deep into her cunt as she moaned my name.”
I need to replace it with :
“I drove into her fully, filling her until she gasped my name, her body arching to meet mine.”
There are publishing norms to follow and there are established standards of what goes and what doesn’t.
The conclusion after a couple of months of searching, asking, hoping someone will point me in the right direction, was this.
The site has to change.
Short form contents, straight to the point i bend her over and piak piak piak, she ergn..erng. This has to go.
I’m reworking some titles that are already in the works.
The completed ones that are too late to make a big change, i’ll just leave them be.
Eventually, old works that do not comply with international publishing norms will all be put into archives.
This will free up the main site to host longer form stories.
Think of classic works like My brother and sister in law. My adventure in the office. My boss. My adventure as a hawker. These are titles that many enjoy but they take longer to work on and develop.
This also mean the usual subscription model of serving a new title every week will not longer work.
Why?
No one will pay you a monthly subscription without knowing what is available or what is coming out.
Even after i make this change, there’s no telling if any payment processors are willing to work with the site.
But it’s the first step. It’s something that i can do.
If you noticed on site, sometimes you can pay with card, sometimes you can’t. That’s because i’m testing out various options and workaround.
It works today, but there’s no guarantee it will work tomorrow. It may stop anytime.
This uncertainty, it’s affecting my ability to concentrate on creating content.
Right now, the subscription pass of 30 days is available via a workaround.
I’m going to let it run for a month, maybe 2, and see how things work.
It gives me a buffer of sort, and i can stop it anytime without worrying about taking your money and not having any content to give.
I know it’s a few dollars but it’s a matter of principles.
It will be more fair say if i know for the month of December, i’m going to have a 8 part mini series something like my adventure as a hawker. Series will be completed, uploaded over 8 weeks. Then you decide if you want to buy a 30 day pass, or 60 days to access the content along with what is available within the subscription.
While this may mean the site gives up the certainty of recurring subscription to help with the cost of upkeep, but it also runs on a fairer system.
As in you see first, gum bo? If gum, you just get a 30 days pass, and decide if you want to get more after.
I’m trying now to figure out how to take care of the subscribers who have been supporting me all these while, some of them go way back to 2020. Granting access to more content is the least of my worries, it’s how to allow them to continue at the old rate they locked it now that payment processing is out of my control.
My notebook is filled with the scribbles of a mad man. Flowcharts, what ifs, work flow, plugin logics.
It’s been a while since i had a good sleep.
So i guess my direction is probably a lot clearer now.
The shorter stories will come to an end soon once this batch of titles run out.
I’ll work only on longer form titles with deeper, darker plots. There will still be scenes of intimacy, but the way it will be presented, will probably be different.
I know i’ll probably lose a huge chunk of customers but i believe i can win them back with darker and more twisted plots. Some may not even need to be about sex.
I believe the human mind can be titillated even without the mention of reproductive organs.
The full spectrum of adult desires does not always require biology to be spelled out, or flashed in your face in full HD.
I don’t always need to mention neh neh pok or kuku bird. I will force myself to go beyond that.
I’m sure you’ve read books with accounts in which the tension is so thick, you were holding your breath, hanging on to every word and yet, they never even start venturing into biology.
A waist can be more obscene than a vulva if you let the imagination do its own corrupting.
The thrill is not just in the act, but also in the anticipation.
Which one will make you lose sleep more?
Revisiting a single, loaded sentence or a shit load of erngh..ernghh..ernghh…ahhhhhh….
There is a kind of pleasure, that comes from not quite knowing if what you are reading is safe for work or not, whether you should be reading it, or when something like this happen in your life, what would you do?
Will you do what James did?
I’ve said enough about the site already.
The changes are already underway.They will be implemented gradually. ML owners, i know you paid for the whole year, there’ll still be weekly contents going up for the next few weeks, probably till end Oct base on the spare releases i prepared. If i can’t get longer form content out by November, please allow me to apologise in person. I’ll buy you a beer and a meal.
Subscribers in tier 1,2,3, i’m still working through the details. Please be patient. Your account still works if you login. There are existing credits in your account that you can use to redeem titles off the webstore even though you are not subscribed.
Alright, this gets a load off my chest.
I’m still going to write, just that the content i’m writing will be changing slightly.
This is a big load off my chest.
Change is coming.
A good change, an overdue one too if i were to be honest.
Logging off and going to have a good night sleep.
James S
Diary entry 28/9/26
September is coming to an end. And i was hoping to be able to onboard a new platform so everything goes back to normal by now.
Unfortunately, it’s just not happening.
It’s either i get ghosted, or rejected, or worse, i was given a little bit of hope, only to have it dashed at the last part. I’ve tested a dozen alternative platforms so far, and none seemed to be working out. Cashing out what seemed to be suitable platforms also comes with RPG style missions and quests. I have to wait a minimum number of days, i need to clock minimum payouts, i need to wear red lingerie, play with my own nipples and dance under the rain.
Ok, last one is rubbish but you get the drift.
This also means i have money stuck in various platforms with no sure way of getting them back out.
So where are we right now with the subscription situation?
I think it’s safe to say things won’t be as straightforward as before where you subscribe, get a monthly bill to your card and just access the site for the contents.
Things will have to change. We’ll just have to adapt.
We’re all the at mercy of the big players who can snap their fingers like Thanos and wipe you from existence. Just look at the recent news about mukbang content on youtube. So many content creators who make a living making those videos are now in limbo. Those videos of watching pretty girls or handsome hunks slurping down delicious food can no longer be monetised. There are other platforms of course but when one of the biggest is doing something, it’s probably time to start worrying.
I’m sure those creators will find a work around, eventually the market, the system and everything around it, will find an equilibrium.
Think Zen thoughts.
Despite the limitations, i managed to work out a simple system so the subscription format remains fair. For old subscribers who tried out the current system via a code redemption, you still keep the old rate you pay more or less.
More details in the faq, so i won’t go into it again here.
I know some of you have suggested doing an annual sub, but coming from a risk management perspective, i think that’s a bit too much for me to handle unless i’m writing full-time.
A single purchase of the subscription code more than give back the value you paid in terms of the content you receive, you are also getting additional credits for webstore purchases.
If i were a subscriber for the first time, i risk only a single payment. I read what i want, if i like, i get another, if not, thank you very much. This is fair to all parties. Loyalty rates are already hard coded to your email, for those who locked in the early subscription rates if you are subscribed as of 30/6/26, that one will remain when the base rate increases in the future. More details can be found in the FAQ.
To sum it up, site updates will still continue. The main change will be the manner of access. For new subscribers, check out the free to read titles, and if you wish to come a little deeper into my world, you can consider the subscription by buying a code via the webstore. I will also expand the way you can get those codes. Am thinking of more creative ways, perhaps stamping it onto the back of a curry puff.
You come to my hawker stall, buy a box of curry puff and it comes with a code. If you know what to do with it, you know, if you don’t, just throw it away. You still get curry puffs. Or maybe i’ll find a regular schedule, and i start walking around a particular coffee shop selling tissue paper. Inside the tissue paper…ok i’m getting carried away. This is the way how my mentally unsound mind works, unfortunately.
I’m trying to write every day on top of dealing with the site situation, but i’m not back to my usual speed and efficiency before the shit storm. I’m trying, and i’m slowly getting back into the groove. Priority now is to finish up outstanding titles. I have something lined up that i’m sure everyone will love.
It’s going to be the bomb. I won’t reveal it for now until i’m done with the editing for outstanding work. Think adventure,sex,money launderers,and the lifestyle while it lasted, told from the pov of someone who was lucky enough to get out of the association with those people before the house comes crashing down. Going to write it old school adventure style format which many of you enjoy. I’m excited, email correspondence still going on, more details to be shared soon.
That’s all i have for the site, now back to the personal front.
Man, the past couple of weeks leading up to 1’s PSLE was hell.
Really, it’s hell. As of time of this posting, we are at the 3rd day. She was never on time or early for her reporting time. There’s some buffer time between the actual paper and reporting time, but i can feel her dragging herself out of bed just to do this. It sucks, i don’t remember being in this state when i was 12.
I know it’s important, i did some reading and revision but on the day of the paper, i got changed, went on time, get it the fuck over with and it’s done. My parents didn’t even care what time i woke up or left home. Because they were already out for work.
She’s stressed, i don’t know how to help her. She’s growing, probably going through puberty, and she can just turn into a totally different person at times. She loses her shit, throws her tantrum and it sparks off a whole chain reaction. I end up losing my shit, and you can pretty much imagine what happens when 2 people who are stubborn as shit start losing their shit. And it’s not something water and toilet paper can solve.
It’s bad, i don’t want to go into details but it’s bad. Every time it happened, i feel like shit. I feel so inadequate, like i failed in my role as a father. I like to think i’m different from my own father, that i’m not your typical asian dad who only know how to raise their voices. I’m educated, i went to school, i studied more than my dad ever did and yet, i see my dad’s reflection in me when i start losing my shit.
The strange thing is, at work, I can take a lot more before I snap. These days, it takes real effort to get under my skin. But at home, with 1… it’s like I’m walking a wire stretched too tight over an open drain.
I tried to give her space, leave her alone but it’s not that straightforward. You’re talking about another human being, with her own thoughts, ideas, and way of doing things. We disagree on many fronts. And when we clash, it’s a big clash.
Shit storms like these seldom stay contained. It spreads and i end up quarrelling with my wife over 1 as well. We have different perspectives and views of what we should and should not do. And because both kids are closer to me, they tend to listen to me more, i end up being pushed to do and say things my wife don’t want to.
Don’t you want her to be this?
Don’t you want her to be that?
Don’t you think should be like this?
Don’t you think better to be like that?
This, all these on top of the shit storm i was trying to navigate through.
I’m not trying to assign blame or anything but it’s seriously overwhelming shit.
The intent is good, but the execution of all those intent, during this period, is frankly shit.
The screen grabs of what other parents are talking about on PSLE forums and chatgroups my wife sends me are not helping either.
My son do how many paper today
My daughter finish all these papers today
My son say this school paper is easy
My daughter feels the prelim papers are not much of a challenge.
Look at all these past years’ paper my kids did! At least 200!
And you wonder why people refuse to have kids.
The people at these forums, need to be investigated. I suspect they are not real parents. They are actually foreign spies and agent, planted there with the sole purpose of seeding negative thoughts into people’s mind.
They want to reduce Singapore’s native population.
They want to seed fear, create doubt in the young and make them fearful of having kids and starting a family. They will use methods like these to put you off.
‘Wah lau James, you think conspiracy theory for another plot line si bo?’
I think so too but it makes sense right?
What are all these people trying to prove?
Let me reapply this in another way, say in an adult forum.
‘Look at all the times i made my husband masturbated today’
‘Look at how long my husband’s dick is’
‘Look at how many condoms we used today’
‘Look at how long my husband can stay hard’
‘Look, i have sex so many times this week’
I can go on but you get the idea la.
What are these people trying to do? Stress out other husbands who cannot get an erection?
Solution is simple you say, just don’t read them lor. Nobody force you to read them.
Yes that’s idea. I delete them, and i told my wife not to send me any. I’m not interested. Stop sending me any of those.
‘but don’t you want her…’
CCB!
!@##$!#!
And it just keeps happening, everyone losing their shit.
And on the eve of 1’s first PSLE paper, the shit really just came out like a massive lao sai.
It was little fuzzy now that i’m trying to recall, voices were raised between me and wife. It was bad and somehow she threw something out. Not physically, but verbally.
Something along the line of ‘something something…fuck…What do you want!’
As in she asked me what i wanted or something, for the kids.
And i blurted something out.
No, not some knnbccb or anything, it wasn’t a curse.
It just came out of me.
Looking back, it felt like some drama mama moment i could use in my stories.
‘I want to hear them laugh’
No shit, that was what i blurted out because let me tell you something, with all the negative energy, the pressure, i honestly cannot remember when was the last time i heard my kids laugh.
How sad is that?
Picture this stare down in the middle of the living room. Both kids are crying and this happened, i blurted that out. That has got to be one of the saddest moments in my life.
Perhaps also one of the most honest one too.
I walked away before things could get any worse.
My wife went into the master bedroom, i went to the kitchen.
5 minutes later, i decided to fuck it all.
Fuck the PSLE, the prep, all the precautions of staying at home, don’t go out and catch a virus, eat only home cook food. Fuck it all. It’s getting ridiculous.
The air filters, the filtered water, the multi-vitamins. Just middle finger them all.
James : Let’s go and swim.
Both 1 and 2 stared at me like i said something ridiculous.
1’s first PSLE paper is in 15 hours.
We’ve spent the past few days doing covid style quarantine to make sure she don’t catch a bug. We made sure she’s eating healthy, we science the shit out of carbs, proteins and fibre, ok fine, we just made sure there’s a mix of all 3 in each meal. We did everything we could to keep her ‘clean’ safe from ‘germs and bacteria’, and now i’m suggesting we all jump into a pool of chlorine water filled with piss and whatever stuff is in there.
My wife heard it, and she went absolutely ape shit.
She didn’t say anything, she practically just glared at me, daring me to do it.
I grabbed my towel and goggles and i walked out. Even if the kids didn’t follow me, i needed a plunge into the water to clear my head.
The drama hero moment didn’t last however, because i went downstairs on my own. I just grabbed a chair and sat down. Actually i needed a moment to just clear my head, also a place to calm down.
When you are upset, you say things and do things you don’t actually mean.
It’s what makes us human i guess. We just need space to calm down, somewhere away from all the negativity.
What i never expected however, was 10 minutes later, both 1 and 2 came down to the pool together. No, they’re not magically smiling or anything, this is not some disney production about happy family. If any, this is life’s production of maybe a slightly dysfunctional one.
They looked unsure, their eyes still red.
2 told me Mummy is very angry.
1 just look so lost. What i’m suggesting her to do, goes against every damm thing we told her not to do. She’s suppose to be reading, doing past year paper, revising, tackling problem sums, not this.
James : you know what…fuck it…i don’t care. let’s just go swim…
I gestured for both of them to come over, and we went over to the edge of the pool. In my mind, i picture us holding hands, jumping up, shouting yeyyyy and magically our mood change. We live happily every after. But we waddled into the cold water slowly, submerging ourselves in the empty pool. All of us went under, perhaps hoping the cold will shock us sober. We paddled, swam a little to warm up, but the laugh only came about 20 minutes in when we were playing.
Honestly, i forgotten all about that drama mama moment until i heard them. We were playing ‘Marco Polo’ a game when i close my eyes, and base on sound location, i try to catch them. I did close my eyes and when i heard them laugh in the midst of the game, i knew i made the right decision.
As adults, we could tell the difference between needs and wants. I want a million dollars, i want to win toto, i want a lot of things but i fucking needed that laugher to pull me out of the dark place my mind is slipping into.
We swam and played for about an hour. Both 1 and 2 were cautious when we headed up, they knew my wife will be so fucking pissed.
When we got in, the house was empty. She’s gone, i don’t know where. The girls showered, i ordered Macdonalds and we netflix and ate in front of the TV.
At 9.30pm, we called it a night.
Emotionally, i could feel 1 is a bit better. She didn’t fall sick, the chlorine and piss and shit in the pool didn’t get her. She’s stronger than that.
She was ok with her English paper, but she admitted she couldn’t finish her math.
I immediately went ‘oh fuck’
Upon clarification, it was the last 2 questions in the last paper. The rest she thought was quite ok.
She’s sad though, but i told her it’s over.
Thinking or worrying, won’t change a thing.
Life goes on.
She asked me what to do if she doesn’t do well.
I don’t think she will fail the papers, same for the majority of kids taking them. Most will pass but getting the score they want to go into the school they choose to, that’s another matter altogether.
Of course i wished she could go into the school of her choice,which parent doesnt?
Her father, went to a shit school, by some miracle, he survived. He got a married, started a family, everyone has a roof over their head, there’s food on the table and chocolate in the fridge. I am sure she will do just fine. She’s smarter than i was when i was 12 by leaps and bounds. I’m not just saying that because she’s my daughter. She’s ahead of me in terms of academic and EQ definitely. Me at 12?, My god, looking back, it’s a miracle i’m still alive.
Wife didn’t come home that night.
I thought she went to my in laws my she didn’t.
Maybe she called up an ex, or a few, then had a gangbang just to spite me. Or maybe she started an onlyfan account.
I found out she went to a friend’s place. They got drunk, she slept over, called in sick the next day. The friend’s husband called me to go pick her up.
I did.
We didn’t talk.
And we slept in separate rooms since. She went to 2’s room, while i stayed with 1.
Today is the 3rd paper, and after dropping 1 off, i asked if she wanted breakfast.
Via text.
I didn’t get a reply until an hour later.
‘No, took leave tomorrow. Let’s bring them out for a meal and maybe go arcade after 1’s last paper?’
I replied with a thumbs up.
It’s finally going to be over.
Things will work out eventually. We just need to have faith.
And if there is one thing i learned, there is nothing more important than hearing my kids’ laugher. I want to see them happy, that’s all i ever wanted.
Sigh, this is a long diary update.
Getting a little draggy for a toilet read but maybe in a few years time, when it’s 2’s turn for PSLE, i could take a leaf from this entry and just fucking breathe.
The kids will do just fine.
Regardless of their grades, they will grow up happy, healthy, meet someone who loves them, start a family and go on to build their own lives.
Me, i’ll retreat into the online world of make believe fantasies.
And when it’s their turn to deal with my grandchildren’ PSLE, i’ll just point my finger and laugh at them.
James S
Diary entry 30/10/26
It’s the end of October. 2026 is coming to an end. I hope this year has been kinder to everyone of you than it was to me. haha.
Ok, how shall i start this diary entry.
Past few entries were all pretty negative but it did capture the essence of what i was going through. I don’t want the diary to be filled with only negative shit, so i’m just going to focus on only the good stuff and memories in this entry.
First, a quick update on the site.
The new Subscription model has been running for about 2 months now. It’s holding up and i hope it continues to. Meanwhile, i’ve worked out a long and mid term plan for the site. By long, i don’t mean longer than 6 inches, i’m thinking in terms of between 5-8 years.
Mid term wise, probably in the range of 2-4 years.
There won’t be any big changes for now, i’m going to continue to write and improve the membership interface and experience.
A handful of subscribers are back on the platform, thank you so much for supporting me. I think by last count, site is breaking even with a bit of profit.
Monthly takings can pay for all the domains, subscriptions and everything needed to keep this running. I’m looking at a profit of hundred-ish in Oct after a few months of drain on the site’s buffer since mid June. Everything is good, will just keep it going and rebuild the buffer, make the site more resilient. It’s a good lesson nevertheless.
Between Sep to Oct, there’s been several issues with both family and extended family. Stuff that are a little too personal to share, even on a site as a faceless writer. Let’s just say it’s finally over, things are slowly going back to normal.
I read somewhere that if you keep having a ‘situation’ or ‘problem’ with the people around you, maybe it’s nothing to do with others, its a ‘you’ problem.
Self reflection set in and i have to admit i do bear some responsibilities. Not because i created the situation, it’s more to do with how i react.
Caring too much, trying to juggle too many, and end up getting upset about taking on too many stuff because i think i’m 25 year old and can still cum 5 times a night after running a marathon.
Anyway, what’s over it’s over.
Dust is settling and i’ll just let sleeping dogs lie.
Ok, site and family update now.
Now for the more positive stuff.
So if you have been following the diary, you’ll know that my older daughter, i call her 1 in the diary, is done with her PSLE. It’s over, there is nothing i can possibly do to change anything. Her mood mellowed down significantly, less tantrum but still at the volatile frequency. She still gets triggered sometimes but it’s not as bad as pre-PSLE.
If you have kids approaching this age, do keep an eye on them. There is this fragility i find it hard to describe in this generation. Maybe my grandparents or my parents look at me and feel the same way.
‘Huh? you dig one fire trench need 6 hours? 2 person dig? Ah gong me dig one entire field, plant everything within half a day’
Something along that line.
There is something that 1 has been looking forward to the entire of 2026.
Not the end of PSLE, but it’s a solo trip with me, to a place of her choosing.
She chose China.
Not the glitzy and glamour of cities like Shanghai, but smaller cities. Less crowd, equally charming.
It’s a break and reward for her mini milestone in life, but for me, it was a trip filled with lessons.
Lessons taught to me by my 12 year old.
We started with a red-eye flight. Well it’s cheaper air fare, and i still believe i can fly like i’m 25. Taking red eye as you get older, it takes a toll. haha. I let 1 do the check in. She was excited, she volunteered to do it. Scan passport, print baggage tag, attached it. I only lifted it onto the conveyor belt for the check in. We cleared immigration and at 12 midnight, she say she’s hungry.
James: simi sai? who eats at 12 midnight?
1 : but i’m hungry what…
Off she went with my credit card and 5 minutes later, she came back with a bowl of ippudo ramen. At 12 midnight.
She finished it all.
1 : ooooh. So satisfying. You not hungry?
James : no.
Flight boarding was uneventful, we settled down. There are movies i want to watch, new releases i have yet to catch up but alas. My finger hovered at the screen. I chose to switch off the screen and before i knew it, i was drifting in and out of sleep. It’s not comfortable sleeping in that position. And no, it’s not business or first class of course. I’m already cheaping out on a red eye, what do you think? haha.
1 slept too, woke up for supper, and back so sleep.
I woke up about 2 hours before we land. It was too uncomfortable so i sipped a coffee while watching a movie.
Upon landing, that is where our adventure begins.
We could have hop on a Didi, China’s equivalent of private hire but the plan was to take the trains. We took our time, finding our way to the train. From there, it was a 45 minute ride from airport to high speed train station.
Then from the high speed train station, it was another 30 minutes to Suzhou.
The first city we are visiting.
It was our first time on China’s train. Blur like sotong is the only way to describe. We bought tickets at the counter, the lady took our passport, and then asked me which train we want.
Singaporean got no time. We want chope chope, i asked for the fastest.
The lady asked me back : Do you mean the earliest?
Hello, Singaporean style, is fastest and earliest.
James: yes!
We paid, then she handed us our passport.
Lady : Your train leaves in 13 minutes.
James: huh?
I turned back to 1 and we just jaw dropped at each other.
Hongqiao station is huge. The amount of people in the terminal was unbelievable. And the platform we need to get to, was at the extreme end of the terminal.
1 and i burst out laughing as we wheeled the luggage, and daytona our way into the crowd and lines. It was far. Further than the initial run down for your SOC. No i’m not carrying my sbo and M16, but i’m carrying a bagpack, wheeling a 27 inch luggage, while trying to keep an eye on 1 who is zipping in and out a few metres ahead of me.
By the time we got to the gate, boarding has begun.
We can’t scan and go through the gate, not with a Chinese ID. We had to go via the manual lane which took up more time.
3 minutes before train departs, we were down on the platform. 1 was literarlly darting left and right to avoid people and the clouds of cigarette smoke. We got to the platform with our car number right when the train pulled in.
Everything else was in a blur and by the time i sat down, i was panting and 1 and i just laughed.
It was so ridiculous but it was funny.
We arrived in Suzhou 30 minutes later and instead of heading to the hotel right away, 1 wanted to have a drink.
We found a shop by the train station, had soya bean and just sort of zone out for a few minutes. After the drink, we took a Didi to our hotel. 1 wanted to do the whole travel vlog stuff, i let her do all the documentation of the rooms, the hotel facilities and after we settled down, we knocked out.
People go holiday to explore, to experience, but we slept.
Ok we took a short nap.
By the time we work up, it was coming to 4pm.
1 and I wandered out with no plan. We drifted past souvenir stalls and snack shops, following the pull of the river. The smell of fried and BBQ food hung in the air. We bought candied hawthorn, dragon beard candy and ate them slowly, tracing the cobbled path that curved along the water between rows of old white houses with dark-tiled roofs. After a few hours of exploring, browsing souvenirs, we decided to call it a day. 1 bought several trinkets for herself and friends. I bought snacks, candies and stuff you put into your mouth and raise your blood sugar, your cholesterol and blood pressure.
We had a simple dinner in room, 1 wanted to use the laundry and dryer located on the same level.
James : you do now, then still need to dry, then who going to collect?
1 : leave it there and collect in the morning
James : Then other people no need to use?
1 : Then you go collect. Thank you papa. I love you. hahaha
This is the thing about parenthood. Slave at home, slave abroad.
We hit museums the next day, 1 love museums. She will take her time to slowly read and browse through. I love museums too. Especially the number of girls posing and taking pictures. I’ve collected enough memories and character references for future stories just by observing and eavesdropping on other people’s conversation.
I won’t bore you with museums and food and Suzhou.
1 and i also visited Wuxi, and Nanjing.
And i just want to note down a particular incident. One of many lessons 1 taught me during the trip.
We were in a large park, and there is a lake in the park. And on that lake, there’s those bright yellow ducks you can rent and drive around the lake.
Yes, think of Singapore in the 80s and 90s. You paddle on those floats into the middle of Jurong lake, or Bishan park, or whereever, Singapore discovery centre or maybe Sentosa.
It’s damm old school stuff to me, but it was something absolutely new and intriging for 1.
I’ve never brought the family to stuff like this.
Paddle a boat in the middle of a lake? Siao bo?
I’ve been brought up, influenced, drilled to cheong, cheong,cheong and fucking cheong through everything.
We got no time, we must be competitive, we need to hurry. Walk fast, eat fast, do things fast. Even our escalator speed at MRT look like something final destination could use in their movies. Wake up fast, grow up fast, then you better get married and you fucking get pregnant fast. I’ll throw money in your face to start a family fast. I’ll build BTO so fast that i don’t give a fuck if they leak or i put you in the middle of a jungle. You grow old, take your CPF money and go spend it for a few years then faster die. Singapore is running our of space. When you die, quickly cremate. How quick? Quick enough that they automate the whole process. Having 4 old uncle pushing you is too slow. A robot, a drone, will lift you, rollers bring you into the chamber and Booooooooooo, the flames will hit you like Indonesia suddenly turn on the gas valve to full blast. And within hours, you’re ashes. Hand in your passport, your IC. Thank you for visiting the realm. We hope you enjoyed your stay in Singapore.
1 : Papa…i want to do that.
James: huh ? paddle that duck?
1 : Ya…looks fun…
James : We fly all the way here to…
1 : Tsk…can you just…slow down and chill?
We were on a cable car hearding up to the top of a hill when we had this conversation.
1 : We’re not going anywhere anyway…just try…
The Singaporean in me wanted to say it’s a waste of time. The father in me overruled.
James : ok…let’s do it…
1 : yey!
Thank god for technology though. We don’t need to paddle the duck, it’s motorised. EV duck. We just need to drive it.
But as fate would have it, we got a faulty one. It moves but damm slow. So slow to the point it takes twice the time and effort to turn and move.
1 and i kept laughing when we saw an old auntie overtake us.
For close to 2 hours, we were on that duck. We took turns piloting it. Sometimes we just let it drift. 1 fed the fishes with bread we bought earlier, and i just looked at her.
There’s a saying that goes, you will never realise which are some of the best moments of your life until it passes. And that just hit me. A EV duck, in the middle of a lake in Wuxi, 1 feeding crumbs to the fishes. And for the first time in a long while, i’m happy. Really happy.
1 turned to look at me, and this is what she said.
1 : You know…maybe there’s a reason why we got the spoilt duck…
James : Yah i sway…today underwear wrong colour.
1 : tsk…papa…
James : haha…
1 : maybe…it’s just life…telling us we need to slow down…
That was a ‘what the fuck’ moment for me.
What?
Something like this? Coming from a 12 year old?
Simi lan?
James : who are you… and what have you done with my daughter?
1 rolled her eyes so hard i thought they might fall into the lake and the fishes can eat them together with the bread crumbs.
1 : i’m serious papa…
She was right though. Here i was, a few thousand km from home. No work, no deadlines, no site to maintain, nothing to chase. And my brain was still trying to optimise a duck ride. Trying to cheong a duck ride. A motorised duck, on a lake, in Wuxi.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Everything.
Everything is wrong with me. haha.
For the rest of the ride, i just let her pilot. I sat back, felt the wind, watched the other ducks, watched the same auntie lap us for the third time.
And you know what, it was nice.
I just let her take her time.
We eventually returned the duck. There was a promo that day, no time limit because it was off peak.
The staff didn’t even care the duck was slower. Nobody cared. Only the Singaporean in me cared that we ‘wasted’ time.
When did i become like this?
Actually i know when. Somewhere between NS, BTO, marriage, kids, mortgage, and trying to keep a site alive. Somewhere along the way, i forgot that life is not a SOC. There is no timing to beat. Nobody is giving out gold for finishing your life faster.
The trip went on after that. More museums, more food, more walking until our legs wanted to detach from our bodies. 1 did all her travel vlog documentation, i did all the carrying.
But that duck ride stayed with me.
And the lessons were not just the duck ride in the lake. From old towns in Nanjing, to art and cafe streets in Shanghai, to markets locals go to. There was a lesson for me every day, random hour.
And one hit me particularly hard because it was something 1 asked me everyday. Before we board any train or Didi.
1 : Papa…
James : mmmh?
1 : You need to go toilet?
That’s what i usually asked the girls when they were younger before any long rides but now the roles have reversed. Yes it made me question my own prostate health at times but wow. I mean wow. I am growing old, and as much as i hate to admit, both my kids are growing up.
One day, they will go on to lead lives of their own. It’s too fast.
On the flight back, it’s not red eye but a evening flight, 1 knocked out before the plane even took off. I sat there, half watching a movie, half watching her sleep, and i thought about what she said.
Maybe it’s just life telling us we need to slow down.
12 years old brother. When i was 12, my biggest worry was whether i could finish my homework before cartoons started. Or if i can complete bareknuckles 3 on Sega in record time, can i get the secret kangaroo character?
My daughter, at 12, is dispensing life philosophy in the middle of a lake.
I don’t know if it’s this generation, or the school, or youtube, or what she reads. But sometimes, kids scares me a little. All kids, not just mine.
In a good way though.
Anyway. Trip is over, back to reality.
The memories we made though, it will stay with us.
Going into 2027, i think i’m going to try to remember the duck.
Slow down. Chill. We’re not going anywhere anyway. Where ever we may be headed along the way differs for everyone, the end point for us mortals unfortunately, is the same.
That’s all for this entry.
Thanks for reading, and for sticking around through the negative shit and the good stuff.
May 2027 bring more of the good for all.
Have a good weekend ahead all.
James S