With the impending GST increase, we need a new national app more than ever.

No one likes taxes. We grumble about a couple of % increase in taxes, moan about the 10 cent increase in coffee shop coffee and curse at the hawker for raising price when cost has gone up for everyone, but then we don’t think twice paying $5 for coconut shake, $7 for coffee and $10 for Xiao Long Baos.

There’s no way taxes will not increase, in our lifetime, we probably have to live through a few more rounds of adjustments.

This is why i’m proposing a new national, all round wellness app call Shit365.

We have apps for everything, one for parking, one for utilities, one for the pandemic, one for municipal issues, one for every darn thing you can think off. Even one for the lottery.

Out of the many apps, my favourite is the healthy365.

I’m a huge fan of the healthly365 app because it’s one of the few avenues that allow us to make money from the government. In exchange of clocking in the number of steps and MVPA (moderate to vigorous physical activity) heart rate, you get points.

And when you accumulate enough of these points, you get to redeem them for grocery vouchers.

You get to keep yourself healthy, and you get to make money from the government. That’s killing 2 birds with one stone. Now, simple math will tell you the effort you clock in vis a vis the reward you get is so small, that most people will not bother with it.

It’s like queuing 30 minutes for Chwee Kueh at Bedok Interchange hawker centre only to get a single piece of CK, with a 5 cent diameter worth of Chai Poh.

But you see, it’s not so much about the grocery voucher, it’s about you, or rather us, taking something from the government.

There is something spiritual about it. It heals the soul.

It’s the same for those who penny pinch by skimping on parking coupons. It’s not because they cannot afford to pay that extra few cent, it’s spiritual healing in progress.

You cannot blame the people for wanting to take something from you, when you are the one doing the taking all along.

I know, I know. Taxes are part of every economy, it spurs economic growth, creates a ripple effect and so on.

It’s inevitable that taxes go up, and it’s inevitable that the people has to pay them. This is why I am putting up a proposal for someone from Gov tech to come up with a new app call Shit365.

We must do away with the, ‘I take from you, you take from me mentality’

A good gracious society always starts with giving.

And Shit365, is all about giving.

Be patient please, just hear me out.

Shit365 is envisioned to be the perfect remedy to calm, detox, and return sanity to the general population dealing with the pandemic, rising cost of living and the slew of issues the country is dealing with.

Let the people use Shit365 to express themselves. This is how it will work.

All government agencies will have a dedicated garden/outdoor green area with privacy partitions. The Shit365 app will clearly indicate where these places are, showing how crowded it is and how frequently it’s used.

If say someone is unhappy with some policies or actions taken by a particular agency, use the app, go to the garden and just take a dump right there.

Yeah, go take a shit right at the garden.

Wait, wait, listen first. I meant, read first.

Say for example I’m against the increase in GST, and I want to make my point of my displeasure to the tax agency. What are my options ?

I can either call in and talk to an uninterested civil servant, write a long lengthy email in exchange for a template reply, I can post it on social media screaming like a mad man wondering if anyone read my rants, or I can always go to Hong Lim park and protest.

I seriously doubt any of the above will yield any tangible results.

What if I use the Shit365 app to take a dump at their doorstep/garden ?

First, I clear waste from my body, waste that will eventually fertilise the soil, paving the way to a lush garden.

We need ventilation of course so a scent extractor will draw the smell from the garden, and they will be piped directly into the offices of the policy makers and politicians.

See what I’m getting at now? You see, when more people use Shit365, they deposit more waste at the garden, which in turns, generates more smell in greater concentration.

You think policy makers have time to go on the internet to read your complaints and rants ? You think they bother with the angst and displeasure of a well written facebook or social media post ?

You think they care about a hot forum topic?

They don’t.

But smell, you cannot avoid.

The concentration of that smell will be a direct feedback channel of how popular your agency is.

Imagine you work in an office that smells like shit, fresh one no less, will you work harder and better to improve ?

Tio bo ? Tio bo ? Tio you Kee Chiu! ( Raise your hand if you agree )

You will darn well work towards the day when no one uses the Shit365 at your office premise isn’t it ? Even if it cannot be totally eliminated, you will do your best to bring the smell down to a tolerable level.

Shit365 also serves as a control for citizen complains because you see, someone can just go online, register multiple accounts and keep spamming shit. They can post fake news, they can mislead public, they can artificially bump up the numbers and interests, but you cannot do that with Shit365.

I mean, how many times can you shit a day?

You have a complain against HDB and PUB ? Well, save up your shit and spread them out man, got to make it count isn’t it ?

You want to give IRAS a piece of your mind ? Load up on the Mala hot pot with extra chilli, check in with your shit365 and cleanse your bowels, your mind and your soul all at once.

The garden will be able to accommodate multiple citizens at the same time because, you only need a very small space to shit.

It also helps that it ensures only those with serious discontentment uses the app. I mean come on, if you have a teeny weeny minor complain about something, will you make the journey all the way down, check in with shit365 and take a dump ?

Only those with serious discontentment will do it right ? Imagine you stay in Boon Lay, will you make the trip all the way to Toa Payoh and Novena to take a dump if the issue is something you can live with?

I’m sure if it’s serious enough for one to make a point, they will make the journey down to use the app. These are the serious feedbacks we want.

It’s been proven through research that taking a dump, calms you down. You will feel pooh-horia when the waste slides down your rectum. You feel relief, your stress level goes down, you become lighter, and as a person, you gained spiritual points because you are returning to the earth what you took from it.

As citizens, you have also given your valuable feedback to the relevant agencies for them to improve what they are doing.

From a health standpoint, you don’t get angry, you don’t get upset and angsy, no need to shout and be rude to anyone.

It’s the perfect, non-confrontational feedback mechanism.

From an aerial perspective, anyone looking at a satellite image of Singapore will know how a particular agency is performing by looking at how lush the greenery is.

If Toa Payoh turns greener than Bukit Timah nature reserve, something is wrong there. It’s transparent.

Shit365 successfully combines citizen feedback, personal wellbeing, environmental responsibility and open data sharing into one.

In the future, instead of angsty and confrontation protest at Hong Lim park by people holding signs and placards, I hope we can have a peaceful and tranquil show of displeasure by means of mass dumping.

Think soothing sound of nature, slow mood music, no angry uncles and camera totting undercover police officers. No shouting, no finger pointing, no riling up of crowds. Definitely no need for anti-riot vehicles, special operations and the likes.

Just people expressing themselves by defecating in an orderly manner, knowing full well that decisions will be made, by the ones smelling the end product.

Won’t the policy makers and politicians be upset by this app?

Let’s put it this way, on top of doing their jobs, they’re dealing with our shit everyday as it is. What difference does it make to smell them now?

Trust me, Shit365 will be the best national app ever.

Please vote me as the next independent candidate for a position in the parliament if you want to hear me talk shit.

*Disclaimer : this article was written when drunk, edited when sober, posted when taking a dump.*

James S