Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Don’t laugh.

I’m dead serious about this.

Just think about it.

A few years ago if someone tells you one day you will see everyone in the country mask up when we go out, you would surely say he is crazy. Why would we wear a mask when we go out ?

Before the pandemic, the only people wearing masks are mostly healthcare workers or the ones walking out of a courtroom after being charged.

Now, it is chargeable offence to leave your place without one. Not only will you get prosecuted by the law, you are also subject to the harassments of social justice warrior and the internet mob.

Putting on a mask, washing your hands regularly comes naturally now to all of us. The situation is improving and maybe one day, we will be free of the mask bondage we are subject to for the past year or so.

We will then be able to choose whether or not we want to wear a mask out the same way we choose whether or not to wear a underwear.

I’m all for the tray return initiatives, it keeps the hawker centers clean, the birds and crows will have less chance to feed off the food scraps. Even if we can hit a 70% return rate, it would make the jobs of the cleaners much easier. Much has been said and argued about this topic. From low cleaner wages to depriving them of their job, personally i’m of the view that the cleaners, are not being paid enough. I’m prepared to pay more for hawker food if we can raise the wages of cleaners but this is a sensitive issue better left to the scholars to decide.

In the meantime, if returning tray can make the jobs of the cleaners easier, we should do it whenever possible. We may not be able to help with the wages now, but it does not take much effort on our end to make their jobs easier.

Now for the underwear.

There is another pandemic that has been going on for a while. It’s impossible to detect with Antigen Rapid Test (ART) and Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) test. Symptoms include straying eyes, increased heartrate, sweaty palms, uncontrolled spurts of erection and the urge to steal. There are no vaccines available.

You have to deal with it, control it, and eventually grow out of it.

I speak from experience before i was once a sufferer of this disease before. I suffered in silence for a few years. Back then there were no social media for me to rant my suffering to the world. No black and white blackground with large fonts for me to scrawl my thoughts and wave it in my friends’ face. If i wanted to, i will have to used a vanguard sheet and markers.

I was exposed to the Jeffrey Variant of the disease when i was 18. I named it the Jeffery variant because it was a friend of mine named Jeffrey that spread it to me. In the middle of group project work at his girlfriend’s house, he decides to show me his girl’s lingerie collection.

“She got a lot of g-string” Jeffrey said as he pulled out a bunch and waved it in my face. ” Look at all her bras.”

I was in shock and Jeffrey told me he regularly steals his girlfriend’s underwear to masturbate.

Surely you would be wondering by now why the fuck would Jeffrey be sharing that with me. Well, it’s all for a simple reason. He wanted a trade.

Not for my underwear of course, but my girlfriend’s.

That was one of the first mind fuck moment i had in my life.

I rejected him of course, saying that he’s crazy.

However, that sick idea has been planted in my head from that day.

Ever since then, i made sure i kept some clothing belonging to my ex-girlfriends after we broke up. Some are taken without their knowledge.

At the time of this article, those clothes, mostly lingerie, are kept in individual airtight ziplock bags along with some photos and memories of the time we spent together. I have one for each relationship. Some never asked for their clothes back after breakup, i kept some and donated the rest. Some did, and i took the liberty to keep a few.

They are all sitting in a box in my old room under the bed along with photo albums and travel memorabilia. Mostly stuff my wife do not want to see.

I’m quite fortunate to have access to female underwear, not everyone does. Just look at the amount of lingerie stealing cases. Some prefer not to own the lingerie, but rather, they just wanted a picture of it. This explains the upskirts and changing room videos.

I’m convinced there is a super spreader variant in the universities especially in the hostels. For everyone that has been caught, i’m sure 5 others go unnoticed.

Everyone has different kinks with panties. Some wear them, some keep them, some worship them with incense and offerings. Some use them as mask, some use as hats.

By increasing access and encouraging ownership, we will solve a lot of problems in the long run. Scientists, scholars and undergraduates have better places to be than in jail because of panties and upskirts.

Since there are no vaccines for this, i have the perfect solution.

Make it a law for all men to wear ladies underwear.

Allow me to explain the rationale behind this.

Firstly, upon implementation, the panty stealing rate will drop drastically.

Why ?

Because, now, when you see nice lacy undies hanging along the corridors, there is 50% chance it belongs to men. It used to be exclusively worn by women, with men in the picture, the probability has changed. There is simply nothing arousing about a panty worn by a man. Panties will stop disappearing.

Next, Let’s be honest here, the underwear industry is not fair. The materials used for ladies undergarments are much more comfortable than men’s. All the talk about gender equality and men don’t even have access to comfortable underwear.

Our colours are always dark and dull, where is all the pastels and pink?

I like pink. I have pink underwears.

There are no concrete rules about what colors are exclusively feminine or masculine.

Imagine being able to shop openly with your partners in Victoria secrets or La Senza instead of picking your underwear out from trolleys tuck at the back of department stores. One stop shop makes more sense.

By normalising access to panties like how masks are woven into our daily lives, you remove the need to steal in order to own something considered taboo.

With this new law, the upskirts incidents will also drop because if the man wants to look at female underwear, he can just look at his own. There’s no need to fiddle with an expensive phone camera, hidden apps and folders. Train station with long escalators will also be less crowded.

I will be worried about my wife’s laundry basket if my friend Jeffery comes to visit now. Especially if he spends too much time in the bathroom, but with this, i’m sure he will leave the underwears alone because among those in the laundry pail, 50% of it belongs to me. More than 50% actually.

My wife don’t wear undies on certain days depending on what she is wearing on the outside. I, on the other hand, change underwear twice a day.

I know you must be thinking that the sizes are different. Panty thieves can simply search for the underwear in a smaller size knowing that there’s a higher chance of that belonging to the girl.

Wrong. It’s still 50/50.

Some woman are bigger than men.

There’s no way of knowing unless you have been stalking, that’s another matter altogether.

This initiative can be implemented with existing infrastructure already in place. The vending machines that dispenses mask and sanitisers can be easily converted to dispense panties.

If the country can afford to give mask to the entire population, i’m sure giving men panties is not an issue to kick off the campaign.

The pandemic has changed the way we live. We carry tracking tokens and apps everywhere we go. Vaccinated like livestock, probed like animals, ringfenced like sheep, nothing fazes us anymore.

Circuit breaker ? Heightened Alert ?

Been there, done that, still breathing.

Anyway, i have yet to come to the beauty of my proposed law.

All panties have to be bluetooth enabled that auto checks in with the trace together infrastructure.

We spent so much resources on it, it will be such a waste to see it go after the pandemic.

It shall be renamed from ‘Trace together’ to ‘ Wear together’

Contact tracers will have their skills enhanced and honed for the next pandemic by tracking panties.

All panties will be tracked, missing ones will see the entire NUS or NTU area ring-fenced. With the deadly efficiency of the tracing team, it will not take long to locate the missing panty.

Do good, do together.

Wear Panty, wear together.


*This post was written after consuming copious amount of alcohol*

James S