I make it a point to make my wife angry regularly. Part of my twisted mind feels that by giving her an irregular spike in heart rate every now and then, is good for her.
Men make their partners angry all the time over seemingly small, insignificant matters. Leave the toilet seat up, she gets angry. Never replace the toilet roll, she gets angry. Flinging water all over the sink after washing your hands, she gets angry.
I could go on forever, and there is a whole list of shit i do that will piss my wife off just to test her patience.
Sometimes i will leave my cup unwashed with the tea bag sitting in it just to hear her nag. Sometimes i will leave my underwear on the floor like a rejected Auntie Anne’s pretzel. If i’m in the mood, sometimes i wear her underwear just to see it stretch out of shape and hear her scream.
Recently, there was another incident. It was a Friday evening, coming to 11pm. The kids are asleep, i just finished my work and i got about 4000 words done in that day for a short story. I feel i have been pretty productive and i deserved a break.
I made myself a cup of mint tea and went into the living room where my wife was. She’s just done painting her toe nails and is sitting in a somewhat weird childbirth position on the floor while her toes were separated by this foam thingy to keep them apart.
I sat down on the couch and was about to start scrolling through tik tok when i saw the look on her face.
Yes, it’s the ‘look’
The look which translates to, ‘i’m not happy that you are sitting there doing nothing look’
I tried to not pay any attention but i could feel it coming in my bones.
Wife : Have you wrapped the present for your niece?
I looked at the wrapping paper that has been sitting on the box of gift i bought a week ago before turning back to my phone which is showing another girl dancing in her yoga tights instead of working out in the gym.
Wife : The lunch buffet is tomorrow you know. You have time to do it in the morning?
I looked at my wife who is starting to work on her fingernail colour while destroying the scent of my mint tea with toxic chemicals she is releasing into the living room.
Wrapping presents, has always been her department.I never forced her to do it, she just could not stand the sloppy way i wrapped a gift.
James : but you usually do it…
Wife : Not today…i’m busy…
If i were not there in the living room, i’m 100% sure she will have it wrapped before she sleeps but because i’m there trying to relax, she decides to delegate the task to me.
I wanted to argue, to protest, but the look on her face told me this will be a never ending quest if i decide to embark on an argument.
So i set my phone down and decide to wrap the ugliest present ever. I know my one year old niece won’t care about how the tapes come together or how the paper is folded down on itself. Everything will get ripped apart anyway.
Instead of measuring and cutting the paper to size, i dumped the whole box in the middle, and folded the paper over. Immediately , i started taping it to the gift and i could feel the mini OCD alarm in my wife go off.
I could hear her sigh and that ‘look’ cast a judgmental gaze on me.
Wife : You should have layered the paper and create a design.
James : No need.
Wife : you could have saved a bit of paper instead of using the whole thing!
James : No need.
Instead of using using small thumb size piece of tape, i prefer to use full length.
The ‘ZIAP’ sound when i extended the tape gave my wife goosebumps and she stopped painting her nails as the present gets wrapped together like i am a kidnapper trying to stop my victim from escaping.
Wife : I’m not going to re-wrap it. I’m just telling you first.
James : No need…this is fine.
By the time i’m done, the abomination of badly wrapped gift sat barely a meter away from my wife and i could feel her blood boiling as she continued painting her nails with strokes which seemed to get fiercer.
I took a sip of my tea and i felt this perverse sense of satisfaction to know she is fuming, yet she cannot say anything.
Barely 5 minutes later, she decides to exercise her power again by ordering me around the house.
Wife : Can you pour me a cup of water?
Wife : Can you bring me the tissue?
Wife : Can you turn the fan lower?
I did everything she wanted me to, i did it fast, i did it immediately, and i went back to the sofa to continue sipping my tea and scrolling my phone.
From the corner of my eye, i could tell my wife was still unsatisfied in a primal level. I made her angry, and upset, and it’s not an issue worth blowing your top for. However, it’s one that left her feeling unsatisfied unless she can get back at me one way or another.
I braced myself and waited. I know, i just know it will come. All i have to do is to be patient and i was right.
While waiting for her fingernails to dry, she started her attack.
Wife : It looks really ugly. The present.
James : It looks ok. She’ll just tear it anyway.
Wife : It’s horrible.
James : It’s fine…
She sighed loudly and took another look at the present i wrapped before rolling her eyes at me.
Wife : Why can’t you admit it’s ugly when it’s ugly?
There’s the que for me to deny my mistake, but i will not fall into the trap.
James : Yeah, it’s quite ugly, but i’m never good at wrapping presents …
Another sigh escaped her lips and she has that look that says ‘ i’m not getting her message’ on her face.
If my wife has an ‘angry meter’ on her head, i can say it’s crossing from amber into the red zone by then.
She unlocked her phone with her ‘mangled fingers pose’ and started to read her social feed. Barely a minute later, she has something new to say.
Wife : Betsy and her boyfriend in Germany now…so nice…do you know he knitted a shawl for her. He can knit! So sweet and romantic…and looked at how he wrapped it. So creative…She looks really happy in this picture…
My wife tried to show me her phone and i took a one second glimpse before turning back to my own screen where yet another girl in athleisure wear is dancing in the toilet of a mall.
James : mmmh…
Wife : Tsk…
I could feel the frown on her face and the laser like glare she is shooting at me by then.
Wife : Look at the size of the sausages in Germany.
She flashed another picture at me, one which i returned with another patronising glance.
James : mmmhh…i’m sure she’s enjoying her German sausage too…
The anger meter by then is safely in the red zone and is in danger of breaking the gauge. My wife snapped back at me immediately with a reply that at least Betsy has a long and thick one to enjoy.
Wife : She’s lucky then, I’m stuck with a Chinese sausage…
She removed the foam separator from between her digits and i could tell i’ve pretty much pushed her to her limits.
I could see she was expecting me to react to her comment but i just stopped what i was doing and looked at her with a smile.
Wife: what? it’s the truth.
James : Are you hoping to insult me with the size and length of my reproductive organ?
Wife : No…i’m just saying i think Betsy is lucky to have German sausage…i wished i was her.
I laughed and it irritated her even more.
James : No you don’t. You said it was painful if it’s too big…
My wife closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she slowly exhaled.
Wife : painful, but it was nice. Nicer than yours!
I shrugged and replied in between sips of my mint tea.
James : Are you hoping i will get jealous or angry while you reminisce about your old flames and ex-boyfriends?
Wife : NO! i’m just saying it feels better when it goes in! Better than yours!
James : ouch…
Just when my wife thought she landed a painful blow to my ego, i ended the discussion and almost made her strangle me while puking blood in my face.
James : I put two babies inside you with my chinese sausage. i win all your ex-bf!
Wife : arGHHHHH! go and die la!
She got up and went to the bathroom and i was trying hard to suppress the sick satisfaction i get from the cheap thrill of irritating my wife.
I went after her to the common bathroom and hugged her from behind.
Wife: go away! don’t touch me! i will stab you with my nails.
James : there’s nothing you can do if i want to touch you…
That’s the truth, her fingernails aren’t dry, her hands are held in front of her , hovering over the basin and i just started feeling her up in front of her mirror while she desperately tried to protect her effort.
Wife: NO! don’t you dare! NO! I said no! ernghhh
I literally watched my wife go from anger, irritation, to despair and outright begging as i violated her personal space. By the time i turned her around to kiss her, she was on the verge of tears as she pummeled my chest with her bottom of her palm.
Wife : If you mess up my nails i will kill you!
I hugged her and surprised her with some tender loving words. You see, after making her angry, it is necessary to soothe the wound with a healing balm.
James: I love you dear…i’m sorry.
Wife : I hate it when you do this! you’re doing it on purpose!
James : You’re doing it on purpose too.
She frowned and sighed but there was no need to say anything else.
We pressed our foreheads together in the bathroom and i apologised for being a dick.
Wife : You enjoy irritating me don’t you?
James : yes…because that is the only way i know if you still love me…
Wife : rubbish…other people’s husband all afraid that their wife will be angry, you are the opposite. you purposely want to irritate me…
James : I’m not afraid of you getting angry with me, i fear for the day you don’t, because if you stop caring about what i do, what i say, that means you don’t love me anymore…
She pouted her lips and gave me a forced sympathetic look while rolling her eyes.
Wife : You think i’m what? 20 years old to fall for that rubbish? mmmh?
She pulled my ear but still held onto me in the bathroom.
James : It’s too late…you have already fallen for my rubbish a long time ago. haha..
Wife : ya ya ya…whatever..
We kissed in the bathroom, we waited for her nails to dry, we shared a bottle of beer, then we had sex.
I have to highlight that the sex was above and on top of our monthly agreed quota of 1+1.
At least once, with +1 if the mood is right. It’s sad i know, but it’s better than nothing.
This doesn’t happen all the time, and most mutual irritating session ends with her wanting to strangle me.
However, i got lucky that evening.
The part which i said about my fear is true, it’s a real fear of mine. You see, if the day comes when your spouse no longer gives a shit about what you say or do, then something is wrong.
Love is not about fairy tale endings , princes and castles. It’s about finding someone who can put up with your shit, and still love you.
And my wife, can put up with plenty of my nonsense.
So I intend to reinforce my love for my wife, by making her angry.
It is something i intend to do on a regular basis when opportunity arises.
You should try it too, but please note that i will not be responsible for the aftermath should things go wrong.
She doesn’t know about this site, i have no intentions of telling her about it in the near future, but i know one day, i will have to come clean with her.
I’ll worry about it when that day comes, in the meantime, it’s back to my editing.
To all Muslim visitors, may this Hari Raya bring you closer to your loved ones and may your home be filled with laughter and joy. Selamat Hari Raya!
Have a good long weekend all.