Warning : This is a shitty post. Don’t read it if you are eating.
By dicks, i don’t mean the penis. It’s the people.
There’s no way to avoid them. You can be a fucking angel in everything you do, you can be the most gracious driver, or you can be the model employee, it doesn’t matter.
You will surely meet some dicks in your life at one point of another.
Some of us meet them a few times a day.
These dicks exists and cross path with you for one reason and one reason only.
To spoil your day. To fuck up your mood and sometimes just to make things difficult for you.
Sometimes meeting a dick or having to interact with one can kill your mood and destroy your concentration for an entire day. Or worse, deprive you of your chakra. Everything you do goes onto a downward spiral. The light turns red when your car gets near.
The bus leaves and the driver pretends not to see you when you had to run the last 50 meters to the stop waving like a mad man.
The Cai Png ( mixed vegetable rice ) stall owner gives you 2 pieces of meat with only bones and fats in them, the vegetables he scooped for you has more stalks than leaves, just when you think your day could not get worse, you find a dead grasshopper fried to a crisp mixed among your rice.
When you finally reach home, you realised you have a piece of tissue paper sticking out from behind your pants and no one cared enough to tell you along the journey home from Raffles place to Yishun.
You get the picture.
Dicks spoil your mood and your day.
Not just by the actions they do at that instance, the negative energy from these dicks are so potent, that if you don’t do anything about them, the rest of your day will surely be ruin.
You cannot stop the dicks from appearing in your life, regardless if they are transient (strangers ? ) or permanent ( someone close )
However, you can stop the negative energy from affecting you.
I will tell you how.
I will tell you the secret.
Now this secret usually cost $1388 and involves a 3 days course of shouting and raising your arms in the air in a large conference hall. However, today is your lucky day. I decide to share it for free.
The secret to removing the negative energy from dicks around you.
I’ll be upfront, this secret involves getting your hands dirty, literally.
There’s no other way. If you are not afraid of getting your hands dirty, and you are brave enough to endure through this shitty self help post, read on.
I want you to think of a dick. A person.
Someone who you hate, someone who has crossed path with you recently and has affected you tremendously in a negative manner. Think of that person, put his face in your head. See him in your head as vividly as you can. Don’t shy away from that dick, call him out in your head.
It doesn’t matter if you are reading this at 1am in the morning, if you are not getting any sleep, that dick that spoilt your day is not getting any in your head either.
Okay, ready ? Do you have a picture of that dick in your head ?
Good
Now that dick in in front of you. Imagine he/she is sitting down, while you are standing up. Picture it. Picture it with as much detail as you want. The desk, the colour of the chair, what he/she is wearing. Picture it.
Now you climb onto the desk, wait for it.
Turn around so your ass is facing that dick.
Remove your pants. Don’t worry.
This is not an erotic post.
No reproductive organs is going anywhere.
Now, positioned yourself above the head of that dick and take a dump on him. Yes, shit.
Shit on his head. As vividly as you can, squeezed your rectum and push your excrement out onto that dick’s head.
Is this it ? I’m just going to ask you to imagine you shit on the head of a dick you met ?
Of course not. How can it be so simple.
Dicks deserved more than having shit on their head.
Turn around and face him/her now and grab them by the wrist.
Why ?
Use their hands brother. Use their hands. Don’t stain your own hands. Dicks like them deserves to get dirty.
Now, control their hands by holding their wrist and bring their palms to the shit you just dumped on their head. Press it down, yes, press it down good. Work them, work them into the hair, the scalp, nourish the hair roots, you just go ahead and work them deep and well into the head of that dick who spoilt your day.
Press and mix those shit in their hair with their hands. work it like they are receiving some hair care treatment.
Is this it ? Of course not.
This is supposed to be a $1388 course, of course there is much more.
After working the shit into their hair and scalp, bring their hands down to their face. yes, work it, work your shit into their face. Smear it into his nose and mouth. Make him smell your shit whenever he breathe. He deserves it. Continue smearing your shit into his pores, work them into his mouth. That foul mouth dick deserves this. That mouth is foul because his breath stinks. His breath stinks because he is full of shit you see.
So just go ahead and work it, work it deep into his mouth because you are merely feeding him. Yes, dicks like these feed on shit so just go ahead and smear them.
Now i want you to picture your shit to be extra pasty and thick when you do it. As pasty as the lotus paste you get in your mooncake. It’s going to be thick, if it goes into the toilet it’s going to smear the bowl so badly you need to reach in and scrap it off the sides.
Your undigested bits of nuts and vegetables are visible. There are bits of corn and sesame seed visible in that dark brown pasty shit of yours with consistency like wet clay
And it’s now all over the dick’s head and face. Go ahead, smear and push a good dollop of it into his nostril.
If you could smell these thoughts, you would be puking all over that dick but thankfully you can’t.
Are we done ? Of course not.
Now, if you have been following the instructions closely, the man/woman in your head now is probably covered with shit so thoroughly, they might just as well marinate themselves in them.
Take a step back and look at them. Look at that dick covered in shit.
Look at that dick that spoilt your day and filled you with negative energy.
You think looking at that dick with shit all over his face is climax ? Of course not. The climax is that dick looking lost and confused as he realises he’s covered in your shit.
Imagine coming across someone like that in real life. Someone looking like this, smelling like shit. What’s the 1st thing you do ?
You avoid them of course.
What if you cannot avoid them ?
Then you minimise the time you spend with them.
That dick smells of shit, looks like shit and when he talks, he spews shit. Why would you even bother with someone like that ?
It’s not worth it.
By now, if you have noticed, the negative energy around you that is caused by the dick is probably gone, replaced instead by the fumes of your own excrement and your desire to get away from that dick.
If you are a healthy adult, you shit everyday. You take a dump, you hit the flush and you never think about that dump again.
Sure, sometimes you might get a tummy ache, sometimes a constipation might cause you to bleed, but at the point you stand up and hit that flush button, the shit is gone.
The pain might linger a while, but hit that flush button and it’s gone.
You’re not going to keep the shit you dumped inside the toilet just so you can be reminded of how smelly it is, how much pain it caused. You will end up stinking up the whole house. So just hit the flush button.
Flush it away. The sewer is where all these shit belong. Same goes for all the dicks that walk into our lives.
I know some of you must be hoping for my picture now so you can practice this secret negative energy purge but i’m sorry, a picture is not available now.
However, if you would like to attend a seminar and meet me in real life, you can practice the mental purge live in a conference hall. You will be able to shout my name, picture my face and work the purge while releasing all your negative energy into the air, cleansing your soul and your mind.
“JAMES, You are SHIT! ”
“SHIT YOU JAMES!”
Go ahead, shout it, embrace it, feel it in your bones.
And when you are done, always remember to hit the flush button.
Details of the conference will be available soon because i have been unable to secure a venue. So far, no Venue owners are willing to risk having to clean up the shit left behind. I did mention to them it’s literal, shit’s not real but they kept saying if i host such a conference, there’s a chance of shit getting real.
I don’t understand what they mean.
I mean, you guys can’t possibly be throwing shit at me on stage for sharing right ?
Besides, i’m going to give all of you a very special conference discount.
It’s not $1388.
It’s not $888
It’s not $688
I’m giving all of you a special negative energy purging session, AKA, SNEPS at a special price of just $188
Anyway, i’m limiting the conference participants to 50. There’s only so much shit i can help purge.
1st 10 signups will get a free copy of my three other self help book i will be writing under the new self help series.
- The 5 people you meet in a brothel,
2. Who moved my condom ?
3. The greatest pimp in the world ( Includes 10 secret scrolls )
Don’t wait anymore.
Even if you are not signing up for the shit conference, start purging the negative energy.
Purge it all out, and hit that flush button.
When 2021 arrives in a few days, you can be sure of one thing.
You’re not starting the new year with the shit from 2020.
Author
James Shit