I know it sounds crazy, and honestly, if not for the fact that I’m wearing a mask, I wouldn’t dare do it.
Of course, I don’t mean sending an invoice to the government or something along that line, I’m doing it from another approach.
You see, as part of the household support package revealed in Budget 2021, every household will be given $100 CDC vouchers. Now, these vouchers are meant to mom-and-pop shops in the neighbourhood.
It’s for us to patronise these small businesses during these challenging times.
I really liked the idea that something is being done to support small businesses and I am a fervent supporter of this scheme.
After receiving the E-vouchers, it has been sitting untouched for a while until just the other day, I came across a massage palour tucked in the heartlands. The shopfront displayed the decal that says they accept CDC vouchers as payment.
Something clicked inside me and I decided to deviate from my task at hand to explore that neighbourhood. Walking around the matured estate, I went past several massage service providers that accepts the government issued vouchers.
From TCM ( Traditional Chinese Medicine ) doing injury massages, to the usual foot and body, and of course, I spied a couple of you know, questionable establishment.
Let’s be honest, some of these shops, you can just tell they are not set up to provide wholesome and family friendly massages. Please don’t ask me for the signs, it’s something you just know. Especially if you are a guy.
Does these questionable establishments provide proper massages and treatments? Of course they do, it’s just that those are probably not their main income source, in another words, they may not be as proficient in their craft.
You wouldn’t go to a chicken rice stall to buy bubble tea would you?
A weird and absurb idea festered in my head as I passed by a few of these massage parlours.
It made me wonder if I can use the government CDC voucher, to exchange for services not listed on the menu.
I sat down at a coffee shop for lunch and while slurping down my bowl of noodles, I felt a little worried.
It was a choice of between getting beaten up by the women at the massage shops and getting beaten up by my wife if she knew what I was trying to do.
Just to clarify, I have no intention of getting a paid handjob at the shop, I just want to find out if it is possible, to pay for one using the CDC vouchers.
Washing down my lunch with a black coffee, I put on my mask and decided to just go ahead and ask.
I mean, no harm asking right?
Making my way to one of the establishments, I could feel my heart thumping. I pray I will not bump into anyone I know.
Pushing open the door into the 1st shop, the lady behind the reception greeted me with a warm smile.
“老板，按摩吗？“ ( Boss, Massage ?)
Dressed in a black top and leggings, she flirted with me with her eyes, since it’s the only face feature I could see. Her long lashes and seductive eye shadows beckons me into the unknown.
The inside of the shop is quiet, soothing music played in the background. The 2 couches by the front of the shop meant for foot massages is empty with folded towels arranged on them complete with fake flowers.
Those 2 chairs are just for display.
No one will be so dumb to offer discreet services right at the front desk, the question is only popped when you are in the individual rooms, payment typically happens twice.
1st, you pay the reception for the ‘normal’ massage.
Next, anything that happens in the room is negotiated privately.
I was rather nervous, especially when she gestured to the pen and notebook to registered my name and details.
Before I did that, I quickly mustered up enough courage and popped the question.
“我没带够钱，可以用CDC voucher 还吗？“ ( I don’t have enough money on me, can I pay using CDC vouchers?)
She took a couple of seconds to react before giving me a look of disdain.
“你有病啊？”( Are you mad?)
Giving me the once over, I could tell she was trying to judge if I was trying to be funny or if I’m being serious.
I decided to make myself clearer at risk of getting slapped.
“我够钱还40分钟的package，可是其他的，可不可以用CDC voucher？” ( I have enough cash to pay for the entrance (40 minutes package ), but for anything additional, can I pay with vouchers?)
By then, I could tell her patience is running thin and I was tempted to start running. She asked me how much do I have, I said only $50.
“你去去去，你走吧，你走吧，走走走走走。” ( she dismissed me and asked me to leave her shop. Ending the conversation with go x 5 )
I almost groaned in embarrassment after stepping out. So I got rejected at the 1st shop. I’ll just head to the other.
The moment I slowed down at the next one, the door opened, and a beautiful sweet girl popped her head out to greet me. She asked if I could like a massage or to groom my eyebrow.
Telling myself that I have a mask on, I capitalized on my thick skin and popped the question right outside the door this time. I streamlined my manner of questioning, leaving the girl no doubt as to what my intentions are.
“我只有$50，其他的可以用CDC voucher吗？” ( I only have 50 bucks, can I pay for other services using the voucher?)
The girl gave me a raised eyebrow, obviously she has no idea what I am talking about. Popping back in to ask her colleague, I looked at the tattoo covering her entire left calf and I swallowed a gulp of saliva. She definitely don’t look like the kind you want to mess with.
Another girl appeared by the door and I could feel the passing stares of folks staying in the neighborhood judging me right there and then.
The 2nd girl told me I can pay for my entrance using the vouchers, anything else is to be in cash.
“老板，$50 不够啦” （boss, you can’t do shit for 50 bucks）
I thanked them with an awkward smile and I barely got 5 steps away before I was snubbed by a comment made loud enough for the owner of the shoe shop next door to hear what was being said.
“用voucher？不如installment..” (Use vouchers, why don’t you try a installment plan instead.)
I quickened my pace and turned the corner, trying to get away from the street.
I could feel the hot flushes of embarrassment hitting me as I walked to the 3rd shop. The 3rd shop happened to have other male clients standing at the reception area and I chickened out.
This leaves the last one which I suspect provides additional services.
When I stepped in, I was greeted by an Auntie.
Noticed I used the term ladies earlier, this time round, it was an Auntie.
Even with the mask on, her dressing and her strong accent is just a huge no for me. She’s got to be in her mid to late fifties.
Still, since I’m there, I popped the question in the same manner.
And to my surprise, she said yes.
She said she can do $100, all in. And she said it with the smile in her eyes that tells me she didn’t see me as a client, she sees me as fresh meat, soon to be devoured by her.
My whole world came crashing down as she nudge me to fill in my details before asking if I have the full $100 from the voucher.
Panic set in and I felt my balls shrank. On one hand, I felt horrible about leading her on to a potential client, on the other, I felt just pure, unadulterated fear.
I quickly apologized and said I’m sorry I changed my mind. She is already reaching for her phone with the app to scan my vouchers. I kept apologizing as I exited the shop.
There, I satisfied my curiosity.
It is technically possible to get the government to pay for a handjob if you really want to.
That evening, after I put the kids to bed, I shared a bottle of wine with my wife as we lounged in the living room. Tv was off and we are both on our phones.
I decided to make one last attempt to get our government to pay for a handjob.
“Dear I’ll pay you $100 for a hand job right now.” I said
My wife looked up from her phone and I could see she is considering my request. We’re both on the 3 seater couch, each taking one side of it while our feet is up resting on each other.
She remained on her phone, looked away and I could feel her foot coming towards my privates. Her manicured toes touched my and I could feel myself getting excited.
“Hand dear, hand, not foot.” I said.
“Tsk!” She gave an irritated glare, upset that I interrupted her mobile game.
She put down her phone, finished up the wine in her glass and stretched out her palm. Her fingers gestured for the $100, but I told her I’ll pay her after the job is done.
She eyed me in a suspicious manner.
“I don’t mind having sex as well..”
“I’m having my menses…” she said while casting a glance at the clock.
It’s coming to 11.30pm.
“Hand..”
“arghh..fast one ah. .. you better pay me I tell you…!” she grumbled as I quickly positioned myself for the deed. “10 minutes for $100 is a good deal”
“I can last longer than 10 minutes.” I said.
“don’t flatter yourself, you can’t”
I’ll spare you the disgusting details of the process. When I finally finished ( well within 10 minutes ), I groaned in satisfaction on the couch while my wife busied herself with wet tissues and dry napkins, making sure I’m all cleaned up.
After she is done, she put out her hand for the money again.
“E-payment la.” I said and I could see her getting ready to smack me in my face because I know she could tell that I’m up to no good.
I sent her the link to retrieve the CDC vouchers and burst out laughing when I saw her expression.
“$100 ok? I kept my promise.”
“Not counted. I don’t care, you said you’ll pay me you better pay me!”
Now, my wife didn’t need the money of course, but it was a matter of integrity. And she hates it if she gets the short end of the bargain.
After a bit of squabbling and threats of no physical contact for the next 3 months, I relented and decided to pay her.
Using Paynow, I transferred $100 to her with the reference/comments under the transfer clearly indicated as ‘ Handjob ‘ so it will appear on her bank statement.
She is not pleased at all.
I had a good laugh about it all the way until I got into bed. Just before I turned off the lights, I saw a notification about a transfer of $100 coming in to my paynow account with the remarks ‘ Gigolo ‘
It’s ok, that didn’t bother me at all.
A few days later, I came out of the shower to hear my wife mention something about the trace together app.
It contained a history of the places we checked in to for the past 25 days. Something both of us didn’t know about.
The colours drained from my cheeks as I went back into the toilet and looked at my app. I had checked into 3 out of 4 massage establishment, and I did not check out at all. Beside the name of each establishment, it showed what time I checked in with a ‘no check out’ comment by the side.
Fuck.
There’s less than 5 days before I cross the 25 days mark.
My wife don’t have the habit of checking my phone and messages, but still, I worry about the shit load of explanation I have to do if she sees it.
So if the site don’t get updated next week, i’m probably dead.
James S
*Please don’t waste your vouchers, use it to support the heartland shops & small businesses.*
*Please don’t ask me which neighbourhood I went to. I probably don’t dare to show my face around there in a while.*