Something funny happened a while ago and I’ve been wanting to write it down.

I like foot massages and it’s one of the few indulgences I allow myself every now and then. A good therapist can really hit those critical spots and I would say is good recharging session for me.

Sometime in early November, Wife and I had some time to ourselves, and we decided to indulge in a 1.5 hour foot reflexology with shoulder massage.

We don’t have a fix joint that we go to, usually it’s something impromptu. When the mood hits it hits and we’ll do it.

That day, we’re just window shopping around a quiet part of town, thinking of what to have for lunch when we saw a foot massage establishment.

First thing that comes to my mind was whether this massage shop is authentic of course.

Authentic as in whether they offer services beyond what is on the menu.

There’s a very simple reason why I first considered that because if it’s a shop that makes money off special services, chances are the therapist working there are untrained.

Probably not very good or willing to spend time massaging you when a handjob earns them more in less time if you get my drift.

I also don’t want to venture in if couples looking to unwind is not their target audience. I’ll simply be wasting their time and mine.

I did a quick visual of the interior.

Male middle-aged therapist, checked.

Comfortable interior with mood lighting, checked.

Price list clearly displayed, checked.

There are individual rooms tucked at the back but no doors.

Only curtains that are all undrawn.

There is a female therapist, a middle age lady massaging another middle age lady, I don’t see any other girls around that will suggest this is more than your typical, family friendly establishment.

“Ok, let’s do it. They have free WIFI” My wife said as she checked the only requirement she has on her list when it comes to foot massages.

We chose the package we want, paid up at the counter and the staff asked if it’s ok they have no other female therapist. The question is directed at my wife of course and she said it’s fine.

She rather get touched by men than women.  prefers male therapist because they are usually stronger. Sometimes she will moan just to irritated me when they hit the right spot on her calves and heel.

So we settled down into the comfortable plush seat. The therapist offered my wife a blanket to cover the upper part of her legs near her pants. She just draped it half heartedly across her bottom as she sinks down into the comfortable chair.

The guy massaging her is young, probably late twenties.

My therapist is older, probably in late forties.

Now, if you have done foot massages before, you would surely see a diagram displayed somewhere in the shop. It shows a picture of your feet with each spot tied to some major organ in your body.

And I’m sure, at some point or another, you would have engaged the therapist in some small talk during the massage concerning certain organs which are not functioning properly due to either diet, work stress and whatever.

I’ve always brushed these off as conversation starter.

Sort of a polite chat you know, just to break the ice. Maybe sell you some packages, or just general small talks.

I’m used to it actually.

The young chap massaging my wife was the first to ‘diagnose’ her issues within minutes of him starting to work on my wife’s feet and calves.

My wife already has her attention on her phone, too engrossed in her Korean dramas to realise the therapist’s attention on her legs goes beyond physical touching.

With one of her feet up, she is giving a literally free show despite the blanket.

I bet he could catch a glimpse of her underwear through the leg hole of her shorts even with the lack of lighting.

Anyway, as he rubbed my wife’s calf and ankle, he diagnosed an ailment that plagued most women.

The conversation was said in Chinese, I translated it for this article, but certain parts of the conversation, I will keep it in it’s original form because that is the only way to convey how ridiculous that day turn out for me.

“You wear heels quite often right.” The therapist said to my wife. “I can tell”

Duh, most women wear heels.

However, ever since working from home became the norm, my wife wears heels more often in the bedroom than when she goes out, often against her will because I demanded it.

“Ermm yeah. Quite often.” Came the polite reply from my wife.

“Can tell your feet under a lot of stress.” He said as I stole a glance at him. “Can tell your back and neck also very tight. Must be because you stare at a screen all the time.”

I almost wanted to roll my eyes.

Most people work with a laptop these days, most of us stare at a screen 8-10 hours a day too. Unless we’re doing it lying down, chances are we are sitting in a chair. Stiff neck, aching back, these are common problems.

“Yes, no choice. Have to earn a living.” My wife said with a smile.

“Try not to wear heels that are too high. The angle you walk in places a lot of stress on your feet.” He said just when he hit the right spot and my wife started hissing in a mix of pleasure and pain.

I’m not exaggerating when I say it sounded like a sensual moan to me, then again, a lot of things sound sensual to me.

Right about then, my wife’s phone rang and it’s her mum. The conversation went on for a bit before she ended the call agreeing to bring the kids to visit over the weekend.

After she hung up, her therapist expressed surprised that she has kids.

“You look so young.” He said and I could tell if he tried to sell her a massage package right there, she would have bought it.

My wife chuckled and said maybe because she is wearing a mask and he can only see her eyes.

“you have very nice skin too, I thought you late twenties.”

Honestly, my wife looked like she was about to bring out her wallet to start tipping him.

Just when I was expecting to hear the therapist continue his conversation with my wife, my own therapist decides to diagnose my condition.

It’s his turn to enter the stage.

“your leg very tight, the muscles very tight.” He said. “it must be a while since you last massaged your legs.”

He is right. It’s been almost 2 months since the last time I had a foot massage.

“Yah. Quite a while ago actually.”

“No wonder so tight. You need to massage and exercise more, your blood, not moving.” He said and I thought about the 8km run I did that morning.

Maybe 8km is not enough.

Then I thought about my blood not moving. Did he mean a blood clot, or blood is not circulating to my legs.

“Looks like there’s a bit of water retention here, you need to eat less salty stuff and drink more water.” He said.

“orh…ok…” I replied with an awkward smile.

His technique is good, he hit all the right spots and I have no complains except for the weird conversation and diagnosis we are about to have. I really like the pressure and technique he is employing.

He applied pressure on a particular spot under my feet and I hissed in satisfaction. A reaction he took to mean something else.

Looking at me from the top of his glasses that sits low on his nose ridge, he said something that totally shocked me.

你的肛门有问题。(there is something wrong with your Anus.)”

“huh!?” I looked at him as he continued massaging my feet without stopping.

肛门。大便的时候,很紧,会不会。(when you shit, the anus is tight).”

At this point, my wife stopped fiddling with her phone and she set it down. The expression on her face is one of delirium. It’s like she is happy something is wrong with my anus and eager to find out more.

I don’t know what to say. I can’t tell if he is joking.

I mean, of course my anus is tight when I shit. That is why I don’t shit all over my pants when I sneeze or cough isn’t it?

“会!!会!他每次大便很久!(he takes a long time in the toilet) My wife eagerly offered up private and personal information in an attempt to find out more about what is wrong with me.

I looked at her and gave her an irritated look.

Everybody takes longer these days in the toilet due to their phones. We watch some stupid clips, like a few videos. Who doesn’t?

他上个礼拜大便很痛! (his anus hurt last week when he shit) My wife said while trying to control her giggle.

I explained that was because I went out for MALA hotpot with my friends. The chilli, the peppercorn, the oil, it just upset my tummy for the next couple of days.

I was literally shitting chilli and oil, of course my anus burns.

My therapist told me I might have some underlying condition, it’s best to get it checked out.

Now that he has a diagnosis of my anus which my wife collaborated, it gave him more confident to diagnose other issues with me.

My therapist told me I spend too much time sitting down, I need to exercise more. Stand up, move around instead of remaining in my seat all the time.

“orh..ok…” I replied

From there, he picked issues with a few other organs, adding that I need to watch my alcohol intake.

My irritating wife did not want to let go of the anus issue and she grabbed onto it like rabid dog.

then 他的肛门怎么办?要怎么样?(what should we do with his Anus problem?” My wife asked eagerly.

I know her intention. She wants the guy to say something along the line of getting me to spend less time watching video on my phone while hogging the toilet, but he said something totally way off.

“要按摩。通那个血。(need to massage and stimulate blood flow.) He said to my wife and I started laughing immediately.

“按摩我的屁股洞?(Massage my anus? My butthole?) “ At this point, the young therapist stroking my wife’s calves also started laughing.

“不是。按摩脚。(Not anus, massage the feet)” My therapist said.

“可是。我比较喜欢按摩屁股洞。(but I prefer to massage my anus)”

“那个我没有办法帮你。你自己按 (I can’t help you on that)” My therapist said while grinning.

I replied while laughing. “我按不到,我叫老婆帮我按“” ( I can’t reach my anus, I’ll ask my wife to do it for me.)

By this time, everyone within earshot from therapist to customers and even the receptionist is laughing.

My wife is obviously irritated by my reply and she said;

“按你的头!”( massage your head!)

To which I replied;

“按了我的屁股洞,不要按我的头。” ( after pressing my anus, please don’t touch my head)

“Tsk!” She rolled her eyes at me before going back to her phone, an obvious hint she does not want to continue the conversation any longer.

She is upset the conversation did not go the way she wanted.

The rest of the massage finished without anything worth mentioning.

They did try to ask if we are keen to sign up for a massage package to get a better rate but we turned them down.

No hard selling, it was just a casual mention.

We stay so far away from town and we don’t go there all the time. It doesn’t make sense to get a package.

Anyway, after our massage, warm water was served and they let us stay in the couch for a while to rest.

The therapists did not get to rest though, they switched seats and attended to new customers right away.

With their backs to us, they started on the new customers. Just when we are about to step out of the shop, I heard my therapist say something about the man’s kidney.

The man immediately admitted that he has weak kidney function, and they proceeded to talk about it while he goes through the foot massage.

At this point, my wife and I exchanged a look before walking out of the small spa.

We sat down at a hawker centre for lunch. I told her to go order what she wants, I’ll have the same.

I got us drinks after she’s back and I asked my wife if she thinks I should get my butt hole checked.

“As long as I’m not the one checking it for you.” She replied coldly.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have put your dildo inside me…maybe it fucked up my intestine or something”

At that point, she kicked me on my shin and gave me a look that pretty much told me if I don’t shut up, I can forget about touching her for the rest of the year.

“That is like fucking 10 years ago. And it was only once!” She whispered harshly.

“I’m just saying…”

“you agreed to it!”

“we were in our honey moon period, of course I agree to anything you suggest…I mean. What were you thinking?”

“Don’t pretend you never put yours in mine before!”

The conversation stopped when our lunch arrived.

来老板,两个人吃的果汁 ,加大肠(Kuay Chap for 2 with extra serving of braised large intestine.)

I paid the guy and I haven’t even put the change into my pocket when my wife declared openly ;

“I will….slap you if I hear one more word from you.”

A word of advice to those about to get married.

Always let the woman have the last word.