This is not meant to be an erotic read despite the title.
And no, i did not convert my wife’s lingerie into a mask.
This tells of a genuine problem that i faced because of the pandemic how i came to a solution.
When the mask wearing starts, we started with paper mask. Paper mask is simple. We wear them, then we dispose of them at the end of the day. End of story.
However, with a shortage of paper mask and having to use at least one everyday when you head out, it is not sustainable. This is where washable and reusable mask comes into the picture.
It solves the problem of having to dispose off a mask everyday, and it’s more economical too. You wear it, you wash it, then you reuse it again.
Before Covid 19 hit, reusable mask was never a thing. The only people using them are celebrities or protesters in other countries. Now, everyone uses them including me and my family.
This is where the problem begins for me.
I love compartmentalization when it comes to clothes and apparels. My wardrobe was designed to be that way. There are places to hangs clothes, there are drawers to keep clothes. At no time should there be random pieces of clothing lying all over the place.
My suits and jackets start on the left followed by my work shirts that have been neglected for a while, the only person who wears them now is my wife, on occasions where she felt she needed to remind me she still looks good while wearing my work shirts. I mean which man wouldn’t want to wake up to his partner prancing around the room in his long sleeve work tops that leaves you guessing if she has her undies on.
The long dangling sleeves, the first two buttons left undone on purpose, the hair tied up in a deliberate messy bun.
It’s one of the biggest Que my wife would give that she wants to engage in sexual intercourse for purposes other than reproduction without saying it outright.
After my shirts, comes my casual tops. Tops that need to be hung up. This is essentially the top half of my wardrobe. The bottom half starting on the left is a pull out rack where my trousers go. Then on the right, i have a vain glass display type of pull out drawer where my ties go. Which reminds me, I haven worn a tie for at least a year now, the last time i used one was for my wife’s wrist.
Beside the ties is a small compartment where i have 3 sets of cuff links. The only 3 i ever owned.
The next drawer has a good depth. It’s divided into two sides. One is for my underwear, boxers & casual shorts. The other side is for casual tops, singlets, basically stuff that still gets worn no matter how crumpled, out of shape or how much a bum they make me look.
The last drawer is for my socks, and my army uniform. I don’t mean just the new pixelated set, there’s also the old camouflage type as well. I’m not some gungho soldier, but i always have this fear of a zombie outbreak. I know those will come in handy one day which is why they were given prime real estate in my wardrobe together with the free watch i got from the army.
Have you noticed the problem by now ?
There is no place for reusable masks.
None.
Masks, after washing, gets hung up to dry. After they dry, we keep them. The problem now is where to keep them.
My wife, whose wardrobe is already bursting at the seams with bags of unopened shopping piled on top of one and other, decides that my wardrobe, even though 30% smaller, will be official mask storage compartment. One that we can shared since the two of us share our masks.
The problem is, i did not design my wardrobe to have a mask storage compartment. There is no designated mask storage compartment. The masks end up being thrown into a $2 plastic tray and it was chugged on top of my vain display drawer, covering the ties and cuff links that i not longer wear.
The sight of it made breathing difficult for me and it lasted only 2 days at that spot. I thought of bringing the whole tray to my wife’s side but she’s all out of flat real estate to put them in her wardrobe.
My suggestion of leaving them in other spots in the house were rejected. They were either at risk of collecting dust, or not ‘clean’ enough. Besides, it’s best to keep the washed and dried mask covered.
Not wanting to lose this battle, and of course, not wanting to lose the surface of my display drawer, i took all the masks, removed the tray and chugged it into my underwear drawer.
Yeah. No shit.
I have two drawers, once has socks in it, between putting it with the socks and with my underwear, my underwear seemed like a better choice. The side with my casual tops are too full to have the mask in it.
Problem solved.
It went unnoticed for a couple of days because i was the one who retrieve a mask for my wife before we bring the kids to school now that we’re working from home.
The cat was out of the bag when she finished collecting a new load of washed masks and was trying to put them in my wardrobe when she realised her plastic tray is missing.
I told her where i kept the mask and the result is not pretty.
” You mean i have been sniffing your underwear every time i wear the mask the past few days !” She shouted at me from the bedroom while i bask in that feeling of triumph.
“Those are clean under wears. Clean. ” i shouted my reply
Moments later, she stormed out of the bedroom and asked me how would i feel if she did that to me.
“What if it was me who did that ! ” She confronted me with the load of mask all bundled up in her arms.
“What if i made you smell my panties every time you wear a mask ?”
I told her i would very much love that.
“do you want to hear the things i do with your lingerie ? ” I replied while editing one of the chapters for ‘Magic’.
Needless to say, i had a load of washed and clean mask thrown at me by a wife who still thinks the wardrobe we asked the contractor to do is too small.
I picked up the mask and went back to the bedroom and i told my wife there is simply no space in my side and the masks has to go to hers.
Period.
I could see she was on the verge of strangling me as she started opened her drawers. All six of them.
They were all full.
” I’m perfectly fine with smelling your lingerie everyday if it makes it easier for you to decide where to put them.” i told her.
My wife’s panties are kept in a fabric container in the drawer divided into 25 slots. Each slot holds one. One drawer of hers fits 2 of such fabric container, don’t ask me why she needs so many undies. I know some of them hardly gets worn. With 50 slots all taken, some of her regular pieces are stuffed into the perimeter of the 2 fabric boxes, filling up whatever space the drawer has.
This one is full, that leaves the other five.
Three are filled to the brim with her casual clothes, shorts, skirts, pyjamas and basically every damm thing she needs but don’t warrant a prime spot being hung up.
And we are down to the 2 drawers of bra.
I don’t know how many she has because i never counted them but just picture it like the reference picture below.
You would have to imagine it being packed twice as tightly because there is just so many of them.
Then how like that ?
Any suggestions of her getting ride of excess clothes would be a fatal mistake, so i waited for her to come to the conclusion on her own. She needs to throw away some of her stuff.
Donate them, give them away or something.
But no.
She has other ideas.
I was expecting her to clear out some of her clothes and maybe allocate a small corner where we can put all the masks in but no.
No.
No small corner.
She came up with the brilliant idea of saving space by inserting the masks in between the bra cups. Yes, 2 mask to 1 bra before the bra behind it sandwiches it and the process repeats.
She worked with an efficiency i have not seen since the last time i went on a shopping trip with her in Platinum mall in Bangkok before the kids came along.
After she was done, she gave me a smug look before eyeing me from top to toe with her arms folded as if she wanted to tell me she just pawned me deep. That she won.
Pushing the drawer back close with her hip, i could tell she was trying to hold back doing the “Na Na Na Boo Boo” at me.
And she went one step further, she opened up the few spare masks we have at home and washed them. After they were dried, she sandwiched them in between her bras as well, making sure all masks were infused with that erotic scent.
“I will black magic the shit out of you i tell you.”
Those were her exact words.
I wanted to tell her the masks would technically smell of the detergent we use for the family but i stopped myself, she needed the satisfaction of winning and i gave it to her.
I don’t mind smelling her bra on my mask when i go out.
Nothing wrong with that.
A few weeks past. We came out of the Circuit Breaker, we entered phase two. The joke was over, it’s no longer funny but my wife’s bra drawer remained the official mask storage compartment.
Then something interesting happened a couple of weeks back.
One that gave me the laugh of the year.
Two of her colleague came over to our place for an urgent meeting. Both of them are her bosses in a way, two men in their late fifties.
I’ve met them before at social gatherings and family day, i said hi, served coffee, do the usual greeting and all before i retreated to my room and left them to their discussion.
They were fiddling with some prototype equipment and i i heard a loud oops.
Equipment is fine, just that coffee has spilled.
My wife’s boss was the one that spilled the coffee and it wet the mask that he was wearing. A paper mask.
The other boss, in his attempt to help, spilled water on his own mask. His is fabric, not too bad.
So when i walked out, i saw 2 old man trying to salvage the only mask they have while my wife was busy saving the documents and equipment.
We cleaned up the mess and the meeting concluded barely 5 minutes later.
2 men, wet and damaged mask. So how ?
I have a shitload of paper mask at home but they are all in kids size.
All adult size mask at home are fabric, and all of them are sandwiched in between my wife’s bra.
So, thinking about my wife’s annual performance appraisal, i did what came to mind.
“Let me get some masks for you. They’re washed but they’re new.” I said as my wife gave me the ultimate look of horror.
It’s the truth, the mask sandwiched further back are all new. We kept using the ones up front and replacing them after we washed them.
I went to my wife’s wardrobe, opened her bra drawer and promptly pulled out 2 washed mask that had spent the past few weeks sandwiched in between a pastel purple bra and one that is nude in colour.
“Eh… thank you thank you.” My wife’s director said
If only my wife could see the the look of gratitude on her two bosses face in contrast with that look on hers.
“wow, very nice smell.” The one with the coffee stained paper mask said as he put it on.
As we said goodbye to them, i was left with no doubt this simple gesture would surely be factored into her performance appraisal at the end of the work year.
Perhaps the paycut she suffered would be reversed soon ?
Perhaps she would get a big bonus ?
The moment the lift door close, i was literally sliced into half by that dagger stare that she gave me.
“what ? You want your bosses to get fined for not wearing masks ? ” i said
It’s been a few weeks since the incident and all sexual advances by me has been rejected so far. Saying ‘ very nice smell ‘ every morning when i put on a fresh mask probably prolonged the agony i was going through but seeing that look on her face was worth it.
At the time of this writing, there are now 2 boxes of unopened adult masks sitting in the kitchen cabinet where i keep my coffee pods.
My coffee cabinet.
How can ?
I designed that kitchen cabinet for my coffee pods. It sits just above my coffee machine. within easy reach. Besides coffee pods, i have coffee powder, i have coffee grinder, i have my french press and my moka pot.
It’s meant for coffee.
Not masks.
How like that ?
Author
James S