Alicia’s account of her ordeal before her divorce with her husband. She hated it all, especially her husband’s emotional blackmail, but in the end, she went along with it thinking it will please her husband. She end up hating herself for it. She has since divorced her husband, quit her job and deleted her socials. Alicia is now trying to pick up the pieces doing freelance work after moving back to her parents.

All acts were between consenting adults when it happened.

I’ve never thought of myself as pretty or anything. Definitely not influencer pretty. I don’t think i’m ugly too, just average i guess. My body shape has always been quite proportional, but not to the point where people will say i’m hot.

Growing up, i don’t have the biggest boobs, nor the longest legs. I’m just, normal. Average, presentable, and if i put in a bit of effort to apply make up and all, i think i can still turn heads more or less.

My character, my looks, i’m not the kind that will attract the fuck boys and players. The vibe i give off has always been consistent. I’m that good girl, the well behaved one. The one that just wants a simple life. I’m what the society will call a ‘small woman’

小女人

I’m easily contented, i don’t need my my future husband to buy me anything, i just want him to love me. There’s also no need for car, condos, or any of the fancy stuff that men like to associate with all Singaporean girls. Not all of us are that materialistic. Guess what, i don’t even go for branded stuff, they just don’t excite me. Aside rom the regular sports stuff, Adidas, Nike, which every regular joe along the street own, i don’t have anything that will make other women give me a 2nd look. Yes, i don’t even have a decent pair of lululemon sports bra and tights. My preference are still the off market brands from Shopee.

I’m simple, i want everything to be simple and straightforward. I want my man to be like this too.

Which is why when i met James, i thought i met the man of my dreams.

He was everything i ever wanted in a partner.

He doesn’t smoke, no tattoos, and like me, he’s a working professional. We met at a networking event and hit it off right away. Our personality matches, we like the same food, and we chase the same dramas. It felt unreal when we found out we both loved walks in the parks and we have the same perspective towards life, money, and retirement.

He doesn’t go clubbing, and guess what? It’s something really rare for guys. He doesn’t give a shit about soccer either. I really lucked out.

James and i went out a couple of times with other friends, and by the 3rd date, it was a solo one. Just the two of us. We spent the night walking along East coast park, chatting about everything and did you know how long we walked?

We walked all the way from Fort road to Changi Village. The walk started at 9pm after dinner, and we got to Changi Village for breakfast at 6am. I didn’t even feel tired at all.

James and i were officially an item a month later and the rest of the ‘Singaporean combo’ came one after another. 6 months later, we applied for BTO while we were travelling on our first trip. We got it on our first try. The location is good too, in Bedok, near both where our parents were.

I’m progressing in my career, James was too. WE got a house, and we’re planning for our wedding in a years time. Everything is falling into place and i’ve never felt so contented with life before.

Everything just seemed so rosy and perfect.

Everything except one thing.

Intimacy.

One would expect a girl like me to be really conversative. Well i am, i’m not a slut, i was not brought up like one at least. The friends i hang out with, they are all decent, self loving girls who love and respect their bodies, so no crazy stuff.

James is not my first boyfriend, and i was not his first girl too. When it comes to matters of intimacy, we were quite open about it. Relationship should not be all about sex, but i understand it is part and parcel of it. I’m not against having sex, i’m fine with having sex and all as long as he uses a condom. It’s the responsible thing to do.

I didn’t mind giving him handjob and blowjobs as well, but there are things he wants me to do that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Intimacy was a challenge from the start. Not the kind of challenge couples talk about openly either. I have to say, it’s not that i don’t want, or he wants it too often, no.

Here’s the problem.

James has problem staying hard.

At first I thought nothing of it.

Initial jitters is common right?

We’re new, trying with each other for the first few times, We’re still figuring each other out. Bodies take time to adjust to new people. I genuinely believed that.

However, what made it confusing was that he was fine with handjobs, blowjobs. He’d finish, we’d cuddle, everything seemed normal. But the moment it came to actual intercourse, something would just, not cooperate.

I started wondering if it was me. I’m not insecure by nature, but I’m also not made of stone. I’m a woman. I wanted to feel wanted. How would you feel if your man is unable to get hard looking at you?

It fucking sucks isn’t it?

Months passed, and one evening when i stayed over at his place, i brought it up, asked if everything is ok.

Am i not attractive enough?

What is the issue that is causing this?

I even suggested seeing a doctor. Maybe it was hormonal, or stress from work. He brushed it off, said he was fine, said I was overthinking it.

James : it’s nothing dear…i just…ermm…give me some time…

Alicia : ok… but if you need to talk…to…

James : It’s really nothing… it’s not you…it’s me…

He sounds frustrated and i decided to let it go.

What could i do? Wait lor.

Wait and hope everything turns out ok.

The longer it went on, the more I started carrying the weight of it.

Was I doing something wrong?

Was he losing interest in me?

Is the honeymoon period over?

These are not questions you want living rent-free in your head when you’re planning a life with someone.

Then one night, James brought something up.

He said he had a suggestion. Something that might help. Something that excited him.

He wanted to post a picture of my body on a sex forum.

What the fuck?

Not my face, he was quick to add that.

Just my body.

He called it a kink. He said the idea of other men seeing me, wanting me, turned him on. He said it quietly, almost sheepishly, like he already knew what my answer would be.

My first reaction was anger. Then embarrassment.

What kind of fucking nonsense is this?

My husband to be, instead of being eager to protect me and have him to himself, want to put my naked picture on the internet, for the entire world?

Of course i fucking said no.

Alicia :Dear! NO! what were you thinking!

You know what made it worse ?

James didn’t argue. He just went quiet, and that silence sat between us like just like that. I fucking hated it.

The conversation kept coming back. Not every day, but every once in a while.

Each time, he framed it a little differently.

James : It’s just a photo.

James :Your face won’t be in it.

James : No one will know it’s you.

James : I just want to feel excited again. Don’t you want us to work?

That last one was the one that got me.

Don’t you want us to work?

I relented.

I told myself I was doing it for us. For our relationship. For the BTO we had already balloted for, the wedding we were already saving for, the life we had already built in our heads together.

I took the photo myself, a naked picture of myself lying on the bed like a top down selfie. My breast, and my neatly trimmed pubes were visible.

i sent it to him and i told him I didn’t want to be there when he posted it.

He posted it anyway while I was lying next to him.

He created a thread. Gave me a nickname I didn’t choose. Then uploaded a picture of my body for strangers on the internet to look at, to comment on.

I don’t know how to describe what that felt like. My face wasn’t in it. Technically, nobody knew it was me. But I knew. And there is a particular kind of nakedness that has nothing to do with what is or isn’t visible. It’s the nakedness of being reduced. Of being an image. Of your body existing somewhere in the world without you having any say in what happens to it next.

The comments came fast.

Everyone thought I was hot. Everyone wanted more.

Men said things, specific, graphic things about what they would do to me. James read them out loud, laughing softly, scrolling with one hand.

And then, for the first time since we’d been together and tried to have intercourse so many times that failed, he got hard.

James got hard, rock hard, reading the comments other men were leaving on the thread. He penetrated me while holding the phone , reading, reading and reading the comments that kept coming. It felt good to finally feel him in his fullness all the way inside me.

He thrust hard, with vigor. I could feel the tingle i craved for, that sensation that bordered between pain, comfort, satisfaction and having his penis scratch an itch i could never reach on my own.

I was confused and lost.

Did he get hard because he wants to fuck me? Or did he get hard thinking of how other men want to ?

Deep down, i knew the answer, but i refuse to come to terms with it.

That was the first red flag I chose not to see.

Coming soon