James has been single for the longest time. His mother keeps trying to matchmake him. Just when he thought this date is someone he can fob off with excuses ranging from his sexual orientation to weird fetishes, he was in for a surprise. James never expected his awkward first meeting with Alicia to evolve into something more.
*This is a romance title with erotic scenes*
When i saw my mother sitting at the dining table at 10pm in the evening, i knew right away bad news is on the horizon.
The dining table, has transformed into what looked like a Taoist war room. Stacks of almanacs and fortune-telling manuals lay open, pages covered in charts and diagrams. Red talismans were everywhere, some plastered onto cups, some half-burned in ashtrays. There was even a bunch of yellow slips with calligraphy so aggressive it looked like the brush itself had been possessed.
James : Not that shit again…
Once, it was empty turtle shell with copper coins.
Then it was a little pet bird borrowed from a fortune teller in little india.
Now is this.
I’ve been single for the longest time. So long, in fact, that my colleagues think i’m gay.
Some of them say i’m married to my job.
That’s an insult to both marriage and employment.
I’m not particularly good at either.
My mother however, thinks i’m the perfect man for women.
The perfect, good boy, singaporean husband for the single ladies out there.
I don’t have luck when it comes to women, not with the ones i fancy anyway, and like all mothers blessed with too much energy and too many auntie-friends, she decided to take matters into her own hands.
She has tried to matchmake me countless times. Everytime, i manage to wriggle my way out. It’s either i pretend to be weird, have bad hygiene, or i will do something stupid.
I’m really good at doing something stupid.
How stupid?
Well, that depends on how desperate i am.
Dig nose? drool? turn up with unwashed hair like a homeless for match-making date?
Please la. Give me some credit.
Those are too basic.
I once wore a bra under my white top to a cafe. The girl immediately stood up and walk away. Another time, i turned up in a skirt, took my time to sit down, cross my hairy legs in a twisted, sexy manner.
The girl threw water into my face.
Another time, i applied temporary tattoo all over my body, washed my body with vodka and walked into the restaurant. The girl politely excused herself to the washroom and never returned.
One time, i rented a wheelchair and deliberately fell over at the cafe entrance. The most recent one, my mum made sure i was properly dressed and she walked me right to the restaurant.
Just when the girl thought i looked ok, i groaned and peed in my diaper. Yes. I was wearing an adult diaper.
I groaned and peed, making sure the smell was obvious enough before pulling out a spare diaper from my bag to change. The girl left without drinking her coffee.
I’m not going to give too many details and examples, got to keep some tricks up my sleeve. It’s not easy to drive girls away these days.
Not when i’m actually decent looking, in shape, earning 5 figures a month and getting featured on finance and travel magazines every now and then. I don’t smoke, i don’t drink, no tattoos, i don’t go KTV and siam dius, what more can you ask from a guy?
Why do i do this? Am i really gay?
Of course not.
I just don’t like any of the girls my mum introduced.
Be it looks, height, personality, everything.
You must be wondering how can i possibly know their personality without getting to know them, or even see them?
Please la, everything is online nowadays. Do a bit of search, you can dig everything out from social media. From ex boyfriend to what she had for supper the night before. Before i even meet her, i have a few hundred pictures of her to go through.
I shut the door that day and took a deep breath, getting ready for the barrage of nonsense my mum is about to unleash on me.
Mum : James ah…
James: what…
Mum : I know the problem already…your birth date and hour. You weak in fire element. If you don’t marry a woman strong in fire, your life will be very unlucky. No promotion, no children, no wife
James: mmmh…ok…i know the solution…
Mum : what?
James: Just burn me…
Mum : TSK! can you be serious or not!
My mother started shuffling through a stack of profiles she’d scribbled onto slips of paper. Each one had a girl’s name, her birth details, and scores out of ten for things like “fertility potential” and “obedience.”
Not just scores, beside the scores, there’s ‘ticks’.
I don’t even want to know what those mean. Some two tick, some three. There’s even one with two crosses.
Mum : The last few i intro, i know why cannot. See…all cannot la…don’t match. Element clash.
James : mmmh
Mum : I changed my method of selection…i do the filtering for you…
James : mmmh…
Mum : Haiyah!
She threw an Alamac book at me, hitting me on my head as i settled down on the sofa.
James: oww…
Mum : I finally found one that match all your birthdate and elements! You must meet her.
James : don’t want…
Mum : don’t want? you don’t want i kill myself right now.
James: tsk…can you don’t drama mama or not…
I turned around and saw my mother grab her medication for controlling her 3 highs and throwing them into the bin.
James: what you doing!
Mum : you don’t want to meet a girl, don’t want to settle down. what’s the point of me being alive. I have let the ‘Tan’ ancestors down already. Just let me die. Tomorrow i wake up, my blood pressure will burst my blood vessels, my cholesterol will overflow out from my nose, and my blood sugar will be so sweet that the ants come and carry me straight from bed to my coffin!
I looked at her hammering her heart and complaining to my dad’s picture on the altar. Then she turned to the ancestors’ tablet, praying with both hands not to strike her down with lightning.
This.
This is where i get my drama mama genes from.
James : tsk…haiyah. whatever la…who is she?
I’m tired after a day at work, and i just want to chill in my bed with a cold beer. The faster i let her get on with her nonsense, the faster i have my alone time.
My mum did a 180 change the moment i agreed to meet the woman she chose, the complains to my late father stopped, the ancestors could go back to rest in peace and she quickly gave me the details.
Mum : She’s a very nice and good girl. Engineeeeeeer leh…
James: wah lau, you know match making one or not…engineering the girls, all cannot make it one. In school, the engineering girls all ugly, fat, or look like men. You need to look for business one, girls from business or marketing courses. The chio ones are all there.
Mum : You don’t talk so much…it’s not easy to…
James: wait..wait…what kind of engineering?
Mum : Mechanical…
James: Gone liao la. mechanical…king king kong kong, knock here knock there…must be very ugly and look like butcher…
Mum : I got her photo here…look…
She tried to show me but i pushed her hand away.
I don’t even want to look.
James: No need…i already know…i can guess…mechanical engineer…wear boots one lor…
My mother looked at the picture then back up at me.
James : see! i know…boots with denim…then maybe white uniform top…that signature, boring, blue and white combi…sigh…
I saw her alternate here eyes between the picture, moving it back and forth as her deteriorating eyesight made it hard for her to pick up the details without glasses.
Mum : You shut up…i don’t care. tomorrow Saturday 11am, you go and meet her. The cafe across the road.
James: yes..yes…whatever…
Mum : You better don’t go and wear what diaper, wear bra, etc all those nonsense. you do that again, i take video and complain my MP i tell you.
James: You complain MP for fuck?
Mum : My MP takes care of this place, of course i can complain to him. I vote for him you know? i make sure he write letter to you!
James: Tsk…arhhhhh…
I stood up and walked towards my room.
Mum : Hey..hye! you no picture…how you know is her!
James: haiyah…how hard is it to find a mechanical engineer in the cafe…! sheesh…
13900 words
Looking forward to the erotic romance pieces