James was the god of fortune assigned to Singapore. Due to misconduct, he was banished to the mortal world. The Jade Emperor hates him but he is one of the few GOF that gets shit done. In order for James to be reinstated, he needs to admit Jade Emperor is his boss and he will follow his commands. There are a series of statements he need to make before his reinstatement. However, there is a small problem, James is a stubborn mule, he wiped his own memory just before he was cast to earth. With the country’s economy in turmoil, Jade emperor wants James back but he was too proud to back down. Much like in an office environment, other colleagues want the guy that gets things done back so their bosses will stop bothering them. A group of deities have taken it upon themselves to ensure James’ return. They will do whatever it takes, even if it means going to hell for help.
*This title is a erotica comedy*
The local Earth god, or Tu Di Gong (TDG) waited for the devotee to finish offering the incense at the altar before appearing. Every TDG’s altar is a portal entrance from the heavens and as long as there are devotees offering incense, it will be an active portal he could use.
TDG snapped his fingers and his garments changed to something more acceptable to the general public in Singapore. Dressed in shorts and slippers, TDG looked up into the skies, knowing full well his colleagues are watching his every move.
TDG : How? can or not? Look like Singaporean or not?
Er Lang Shen (ELS) : Uniqlo top, Cotton on shorts, Pasar Malam flip flops. Pass!
Peach Fairy (PF) : Something’s missing…i can’t put my finger on it…
Nezha : I know! Put one of those black sling bag thing around his shoulder, like my fire wheel.
TDG : Oh right. good idea.
TDG snapped his fingers again and a black shoulder slung pouch appeared. The other deities nodded with satisfaction.
TDG : ok…i’m going to approach him.
The Jade emperor, pretending to be busy with other stuff, sat a short distance away, the corner of his eye stealing glances at his subordinates trying to get that stupid James back to the heavens to resume duties. He was curious yet he could not allow it to show. He wants him back to start fixing the mess that accumulated while he is away, but he refuse to bow down.
Nezha : have you rehearsed how to approach him?
TDG : I know already. I watched a lot of those online video. I just need a camera, then i approach him, then i pretend to ask him some questions. Usually mortals will be very happy to answer.
ELS : Are you sure? He’s not a mortal.
TDG : Well, he is one until he gets back here. Singaporeans like to show off one. You ask them about their car, their house, they will immediately tell you everything, tell you about their job, how much money they make, some even give you a hour tour! Singaporeans are the most yaya papaya group.
PF : Are you sure? It sounds damm staged leh…
TDG : No la. It’s not staged. It’s just Singaporeans being Singaporeans. You got watch National Geographic? Animals in their natural habitat and all…
TDG conjured up a camera in his hand and began walking towards James who was leaning against his car while eating a curry puff.
He cleared his throat, started recording and in his most chirpy and cheerful voice, initiated a conversation.
TDG : HEllO BROTHER! WAH!, Nice car! May i know what you do for a living ah?
For James to go back to heavens, there are 3 statements he need to make.
‘I am the god of fortune’
‘Jade Emperor i’m sorry’
‘Let me back into heaven’
TDG’s intention was to jolt James’ memory, trying to reach deep and far into his mind. He wants to remind him of who he truly was.
He has seen videos similar to the one he was trying to replicate countless times. It always works. Singaporeans start giving life advice and shit once people compliment their cars and ask about what they do for a living.
James leaned against his white mercedes taxi he leased and put the last bite of his curry puff into his mouth. He eye balled that cockster in front of him and exhaled slowly.
That overly friendly grin while holding the camera in his face when he was having a bad day was about to trigger something deep within him. And no, it’s not centuries of memories as a deity.
TDG : EH BROTHER, COME ON LEH, Steady a bit…What you do for a living ah? Nice car!
Standing upright, he rose to his full height and walked towards TDG who was beginning to doubt his approach.
TDG : Woah woah brother! BROTHER! I just want to know what you do for a living because i see you driving a nice car! Mercedes leh! German engineering!
While TDG saw the badge of German engineering excellence, he did not see the white slip of summon James received for parking on a double yellow line for 2 minutes to grab a quick bite. He was also not aware that it was the 2nd summon of the day for him, the first was when James dropped an elderly lady off along a double zigzag line because it’s closer to the clinic she is visiting.
TSG began backing away but he kept the camera pointed at James face.
TDG :Oei brother…brother!
ELS : Get the fuck out of there now TDG!
Nezha : This is not good. back off now!
Not wanting to give up, TDG pressed James further, wondering why is it not working. It always works on those videos he saw. People will open up and start talking the moment a camera is pointed at them.
TDG : what you do for a living? huh? eh…brother…what you do for a…
James grabbed the camera from TDG much to his shock and horror. He deleted the video and shove the device into TDG’s chest.
James : Don’t make me do something i will regret…
In his nervousness, TDG blurted out something he should not have, not that it mattered because it made no sense to James.
TDG : Enough! The Jade emperor has sent me! to bring you back to heavens! What say you? God of Fortuneuuuuuuuuuuwuuuuuuu?
TDG asked with his hands spread apart in a welcoming manner while dragging the last syllabus of the word into a long, low ‘wuuuu’
James, already fuming from his bad day, cursed his luck to meet a mentally deranged individual.
The monkey god, Sun Wukong, who has just arrived to see what is the commotion in heavens, saw the exchange between TDG and James. His fiery eyes widened in surprise as he scratched his head in bewilderment.
He looked up at ELS, Nezha and Peach fairy.
Wukong : Get him out of there…now!
Wukong clearly remember James as a general of the southern gate before his promotion to GOF. When he was wrecking havoc in heavens centuries ago, He fought no less than 48 rounds of intense battle and exchange with James. If not for the elixirs he ate, he may not have prevailed. Aside from ELS, James was the only fighter he enjoyed sparring with, it really gave him a good run for his money.
ELS : TDG! retreat! retreat!
Peach Fairy: oh my god i can’t watch this!
Unwilling to give up, TDG repeated his statement in a more fervent manner.
TDG : The Jade emperor has sent me! to bring you back to heavens! What say you? God of fortune!
James was about to punch TDG in the face when he saw the parking attendant arriving on his white scooter, eye balling his illegally parked vehicle.
TDG : Give me a reply! What say youuuuuuuuu!
TDG bellowed in a dramatic manner like he was performing in an orchestra.
James leaned forward and whispered something in TDG’s ears. Then he quickly ran back to his taxi and turned out of the carpark, leaving TDG standing in shock, his hands wide apart in the middle of the carpark.
The Jade emperor, who has been spying on the group so far could no longer contain his curiosity.
He summoned TDG back to heavens and demanded to know what James said to him.
Jade emperor : What did he say!
TDG : But…
Jade emperor : Tell me! word for word!
TDG took a deep breath, looked at his boss in his eyes and replied;
TDG : Fuck you understand?
Jade emperor roared in fury and sent TDG flying to the other end of the hall. He glanced down at the ever-expanding list of complaints and laments from devotees in Singapore. It was like an endless stream of email notifications, each one buzzing relentlessly and adding to his growing headache.
Jade emperor : I don’t care what you all do. You get him back here before Chinese New year! Form a working committee and get this done! i’m suspending all leaves, appraisals and bonuses until this is sorted out! Get OUT! AHHHHHHH!
Lightning strikes the court in a dramatic manner, reflecting the mood of the emperor. The bolts found multiple targets, triggering a chain reaction, passing from one deity to another, setting everyone it touches on fire.
While it made for good drama in theatre, it had no effect whatsoever on the other deities present. Merely a nuisance, like what a splatter of rain would do to humans.
TDG stood up and patted the fire and ash away from his burning Singaporean men’s uniform.
TDG : This is workplace abuse bro…tsk tsk tsk…we need workplace safety and health act here.
He grumbled and changed back to his deity’s garb. The other deities patted the flames and mended their damaged clothes with simple flick of their fingers.
Wukong grinned and in his usual mischievous manner, suggested something to his fellow colleagues.
Wukong : He just need to make the 3 statements right?
Nezha : yeah. any ideas?
Peach Fairy: oh dear, i can sense where this is going…
TDG : What ideas do you have? share it!
Wukong : Well. sometimes you have to outsource certain tasks…
ELS : what do you mean?
Wukong: You all are too uptight, and inflexible up here…with all the rules, the morals and what not…you can’t do this…
ELS : we’re gods! you’re one too! don’t suggest anything that…
Wukong : I’m no god…i’m neutral…
ELS : WHAT!
Wukong : If i’m a god, there will be no demons…and if i choose to be a demon, what can the gods do? hehehe…
PF : Stop it! what’s your great idea?
Wukong : I’m sure my brother Yan luo wang got ideas! confirm can one!
Peach fairy : oh dear…oh…dear….
TDG : I see where this is going…
Nezha : We’re going to hell for this? no i meant, we’re going to hell for this as in we’re going to hell for this? Not as in we’re going to hell for doing this…
All eyes turned to Nezha in bewilderment.
Nezha : forget what i just said…
TDG : Well…this will be something for the history books…
ELS : Alright…i’ll say it…If Singapore wants her God of fortune back…we may have to go through hell to do it…
Wukong scratched his neck and grinned.
Wukong : Hell…is a wonderful place…hehehe.
Coming soon