Diary Volume 8

Diary entry 19/1/25

First diary entry of 2025.

I was hoping to start off the year with some new projects but unfortunately, despite actively pitching for several and meeting so many potential clients that i lost count, nothing came to fruition yet. CNY is around the corner, that’s probably one of the reasons why many of them have yet to commit. With no projects big enough to keep the sub-contractors around, some of them have already warp up the year early and went back to their hometown in Malaysia to avoid the CNY rush.

Partner and i did the sums, closed the accounts and being ‘pantang’ Chinese, we always clear all our debts before the new year. Everyone that needs to be paid were paid, except ourselves. haha. Bank buffer is still ok, but not at a level we are comfortable with yet to start drawing pay and CPF contribution. Despite the situation, we both agreed that we should get a ‘red packet’ from the company’s kitty. So we gave ourselves a ‘$888’ transfer as bonus for good luck.

We have high hopes for a particular project we bidded for. It’s a recommendation through word of mouth. On the surface, it looks like it’s a done deal, but until the ink has dried and the deposit paid, nothing is cast in stone. That feeling of waiting is like when you try to hold your girlfriend’s hand for the first time.

You hold, she let you hold, then she smile shyly. Then when you asked for confirmation, she shrugged her shoulder and say she don’t know.

It also reminds me of the time when a ex-girlfriend first invited me to her house when her parents are overseas. It’s late, 11pm. We had dinner, watched a movie. We were together for almost 2 months and we haven had sex yet. She has blew me at the staircase before, and i fingered her several times till she cummed in handicap toilets. It was all leading to the main course. I’m 1.5 years into my NS, still fit as a fiddle. She’s in university, glad to be out of school uniforms.

My heart was racing, she just finished volleyball practise, FBT shorts, sleeveless singlet complete with knee high socks and a sports bra soaked with her perspiration. There are still grains of salt on her skin, mixed with the sand from sentosa.

We kissed immediately when the door closed, then she suddenly pushed me away.

James : WHAT?

Ex-gf : I think i felt something.

James: WHAT?

Ex-gf : I think my menses just stared…i need to shower and check…

I sat at the living room, staring at the altar with figurines of deities, wondering if i would get struck by lightning if i prayed for something i shouldn’t.

For the next 15 minutes, i sat there and waited. And i waited. And i waited.

It’s the same feeling. Just waiting.

Alright, back to a more serious note.

For married couples, CNY is a period of serious outflows. Finances need to be planned for advance for for me, it was done a long time ago. I know how much i roughly need for red packets every year accounting for inflation, and i set it aside by buying T-bills 6 months prior. The 1 year T-bills i got in Jan 24 have matured, those will come in pretty handy given my current situation.

It’s not all gloom and doom, few year back, i bought some crypto. XRP to be precise, it went up significantly lately, making me a few thousand. I cashed out all the profit and left only the capital in there before it goes to shit again. Still don’t understand how crypto works to be honest, it’s too volatile for someone of my age to be investing seriously in it. I still have about 2k ish in the platform, spread out between BTC, XRP, ETH. Will just leave it in there and see how things goes over the next few years.

With more time on my hand, i spread out the free time between cleaning the house, delivering CNY goodies and spending time with my kids. 1 & 2 are both growing up so fast, and one of my favourite thing to do was to listen to their day in school. What they learnt, the things their classmates told them, what they ate, their teachers and basically every mundane thing they could share.

One thing that worries me however, was that i can’t seem to remember all the nice moments and conversations i have with them. Instead, it was the scoldings and quarrels that stands out. I feel that partly it was because of guilt. More often than not, i get triggered because of small matters, compounded by stress of the daily grind. It made me feel unworthy and i can’t even begin to describe the guilt i would feel after that.

Sometimes i think i suck as a father.

Sometimes i’ll tell my wife i think i’m a wonderful father and bragged to the point that she starts rolling her eyes.

Sometimes i feel my wife wants to just press the pillow over my face when i’m sleeping.

Back on the writing front, Home chapter 24 is too long to be released as a single episode as i ironed out the final scenes. 24 contains a few key scenes, James and the operators vs the 332 panthers in Vivocity, Tametsu in the hotel, Hibiki, Jane and the butcher vs the 3 teachers in City link mall.

James’ scene alone before editing comes in at 13k words. I’ve stopped myself from editing it further by closing that section and sending it over to my editor. It seems that is the only way i can stop myself from editing it over and over again.

I’m hoping to send the next part of chapter 24 in the coming days, thereafter, will be the last chapter. 25.

I can finally wrap up the series after that.

The site annual contribution to charitable causes was delayed in December 2024 due to a variety of factors. Have finally got it done. It’s a sharp drop from December 2023 partly due to lower site takings and increased costs, but i’m confident i will be able to make up the difference in June’s giving once things more or less stabilized.

I chose to give only to Touch community services this time round because after a bit of research, certain causes allow for dollar for dollar matching by the government. So the 450 the site contributed, will see 900 in donations to the cause. I was aiming for 850 and more for december’s contribution, will bring forward the 400 shortfall over to coming June’s portion.

I think that’s about it for this diary update, i should be doing another one around CNY period.

Thank you for supporting my site and reading my nonsense.

🐍 “Wishing you a year of wisdom, resilience, and prosperity, as you embody the grace and strength of the snake! May fortune coil around you and success strike swiftly in all your endeavors. Happy Year of the Snake!” 🐍

The above greeting was generated by AI. haha. Too perfect. Too artificial.

I wish 2025 will be a smooth sailing year for all of you, one with plenty of satisfying time with your partners, may she wear all the kinky costumes and uniforms you want her to, and indulge you in all the fetishes you can think of.

Ok jokes aside.

There’s nothing more important than good health, a worry-free mind and to be happy.I wish for everyone to find joy in what you already have while striving for an even brighter future for yourself and your loved ones.

James S

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Diary entry 5/2/25

This is long update, perfect for that toilet break when you don’t want to scroll through tik tok or your social media feed. Have been putting off posting this for the past few days, wanted to do it on the 2nd day of CNY, then 3rd, then it dragged due to a variety of reasons. And i just kept adding more stuff to it. It’s been a long week with laughs, tears, quarrels and a cold war.

CNY is a good period to force my kids to speak more Mandarin. The usual greetings and what not, 身体健康，恭喜发财，万事如意，生意兴隆 bla bla bla. They will memorise a particular set and just repeat it throughout the day when we visit all the relatives.

And every CNY is a reminder of how lousy their Mandarin are. I will cringe with embarrassment when i listen to them speak in accented Mandarin, no correction, accented is too nice a word, the correct Singaporean term to use would be ‘half baked’. They tried, they really do, but it just comes out weird.

It’s partly my fault because i don’t speak enough Mandarin with them at home. None of their friends like to converse in Mandarin. Initially when i realised they made a few friends who hailed from China, i was so happy. Then when i hear their friends speak, i went WTF, they also prefer to speak English amongst themselves. The only time they converse in Chinese was with their parents or grandparents.

If i could publish a book on embarrassing moments of my kids’ Mandarin, i might just end up on the bestseller in the bookshop. I’ll give you an example with a conversation i had with ‘2’.

James : Do you know what is 春联? ( CNY couplets )

The two vertical scrolls are placed on either side of a door, while the horizontal scroll goes across the top of the doorframe. Usually written in black or gold with auspicious words.

I almost fell off my chair when i heard her reply.

2 : Duh…i know la.

James : What is it?

2 : 春联 is the one you use to cover the windows la!

James : Holy fuck…

Ok i didn’t actually say that word. I told myself never to curse in front of the kids. However, in my head, i pictured myself kneeling down in front of my ancestors being judged in a court before i was struck by lightning.

James : curtains is 窗帘！ 春联 is the CNY couplets people by beside their doors!

I started going on about the importance of knowing and speaking Mandarin, and guess the irony? i gave the lecture in English.

2 still has come way to go before her PSLE, 1, who is in P5 this year, is starting to get a bit stressed out with school. I’ve heard horror stories from other parents and relatives about kids in P5 and P6.

These are the pivotal years when the nation moulds its 30,000 citizens into a specific shape, applying pressure and filtering out those who do not meet their standards. Ok, maybe that sounded a bit more serious than i intend to. As an adult, PSLE is just another exam. A hurdle for a Singaporean to pass through. Good, bad, life goes on. Your paths may differ from your classmates, but it’s not the end of the world.

However for the kids, at their current age, it was all they are working towards. Their peers, their teacher’s KPI all point towards one single focus, PSLE.

So you can imagine how worried i was when i saw 1 crying alone in her room one afternoon while huddled over a worksheet from school.

I fucking dropped everything i was doing, cancelled a meeting and just sat down beside her. I asked her what is wrong, she just said nothing. She didn’t want to talk about it. I looked at the worksheet, she answered the problem sum correctly, but there were layers and layers of correction tape covering the original writing area.

A fucking problem sum which has no possibility of real-world application made my daughter cry. I always pictured myself in handcuffs being led off to a police vehicle after wacking the man who made my daughter cry. Something along the line of ‘ you break her heart, i’ll break something in your body’. Looking at the question, it made me think how do i wack a problem sum?

1 turned down my hug and just said she is ok. I refuse to leave the room, i just sat down beside her until she calms down.

What is fear? Fear is your mind fucking with you and i tell you, my mind was seriously giving me a good fuck that day. When you have enough ‘parent chat-group’ in your whatsapp, you’ll probably get enough news on them that makes you shiver.

News that mainstream media do not report on.

Circulars sent to parents about ‘incidents’ in school concerning students.

Circulars requesting ‘privacy and respect’ and to refrain from speculating on ‘social media’

Circulars concerning a student that has ‘left’ us, and please give the family space, respect and privacy.

Kids doing something foolish because of studies, or bullying, or whatever the fuck that is breaking them these days. It’s heart-breaking to read stuff like this.

I’ve had classmates who are doing very well in life despite less than stellar PSLE results. I always tell my kids to just do their best. Just give it their best shot, when they look back to this period when they are older, they will probably laugh about it.

Was i worried about my PSLE back then, of course. Did i cry over it, i think i did, for the math part. My math sucks but i still pass. I got into a rather shitty secondary school but hey, it’s still express stream.

I’m in a dilemma.

I want to nudge them a little, give them that slight push so they will do well, but on the other hand, i’m also fearful of what too much pushing will do.

My wife, who is much more rationale most of the time, is more chill. She is of the believe that i cannot protect them forever, they need to learn to deal with whatever life throws at them. It’s part of growing up. Remember this part, because in the later part of this update, she is going to contradict herself.

Therein lies the challenge in parenting. Finding the right balance of wanting to protect and giving them the space to build resilience and independence.

No wonder Singapore’s birth rates are dropping. haha.

Why does it feel like it’s easier to raise kids in the 70s and 80s?

During this period, I will be closely monitoring 1 as she is growing up quickly. My wife tells me stories of 1 confiding in her about her friends who have already started puberty. Some of them even had their first menstrual cycle during class. One even cried because she didn’t know what was going on.

I leave the birds and the bees of these matters to my wife. I can’t have a proper conversation about this with my kids. I just can’t. Not that they will want to confide in me about it anyway.

It’s been a while since i last quarrelled with my wife. Everytime we have a disagreement, or a cold war, it was sparked off by some trivial matters. Really insignificant matters.

We are both very easy going person, for most matters, we’ll just brush it off and bottle it up. So i guess this builds up over time. Like a clogged intestine filled with shit. The plug can be a ‘hard’ stopper, stops the drip if your shit is wet. Not a bad thing, but you can’t stop the diarrhea once it builds up. With an intestine filled with wet, thick and sloshy shit, once you go, you explode. Or splatter.

I apologise if you are having your breakfast, or happen to be dipping your prata into curry while reading this.

The trigger for our most recent confrontation is dumb.

Fucking dumb.

It’s a rainy morning, and i want to drop the family off at the train station and school.

1 was being extra whiny that morning and throwing a tantrum. 2, with her usual kan cheong spider streak, was up, changed and ready to go. They have this sibling rivalry shit going on that i cannot stand. They just want to be the complete opposite of each other so they can irritate the shit out of each other. Really.

2 wants to chope chope and get everything done, 1 just want to dilly dally and drag.

I can’t take shit like this, i made it clear to them that we are a family. Seeing 1 trying to sabotage everyone’s morning, just pissed me off. It’s raining, traffic is going to be bad, there will be a jam, and if i were to drop them off, we need to be a bit early.

This is my chain of thought.

James : We leave at 6.45. If you are not ready, you’ll go on your own.

Long story short, we ditched 1 and left.

My wife was so angry the moment we got into the car. She could not believe what i just did.

Wife : How could you do that?

James: She’s old enough to be responsible for her time. She sets her own alarm, if she don’t want to get up and get ready, what do you expect me to do?

Wife : It’s raining!

James: She has an umbrella

Wife : What’s wrong with waiting a while more?

Gesturing to 2, i told my wife it’s not fair for 2 to wait. 2 did everything right and she wants to be early in class to play with her friends, so why should that be denied from her because of 1?

Wife : she’s only 11

James: she’s already 11…

Wife : drop us off then go back for her.

James : Why must i go back for her? She can walk to school on her own.

Wife : Did you go to the dryer and take her shorts for her?

James: Why can’t she take it on her own?

Wife : you expect her to do everything on her own! Her spelling, her exams, her 听写. look what happened in the end? Then come and panic!

I took a deep breath and i held it in.

The atmosphere in the car by then was so charged that i could see 2 on the verge of crying.

I knew if i go on, it will be the brink of no return.

I told myself countless times, if i need to do this with my wife, it will not be in front of the kids. I’ve seen my parents quarrel and fight countless times growing up, and it left a psychological scar in me. I’m not letting my kids grow up with that.

I chose to keep quiet.

The silence in the car was deafening.

Needless to say, no one say goodbye or thank you to me when i dropped them off.

The only sound was the slamming of car doors.

I brought my laptop out, and i planned to go to a coffee shop, have a tea and do a bit of writing. It’s just down the road but instead, i made a sharp cut across 3 lanes, incurring the wrath of other drivers. I may just end up on the internet because of this. I made a quick U-turn and floored the pedal back home as the rain got heavier.

Turning back into the estate, i saw 1 walking along the side path with an umbrella to school. She’s dressed, she’s breathing, and she knows how to use an umbrella. She did not see me turning in, and i just parked at the drop off to look at her back view as she turned the corner.

I sighed and just stared at the dashboard. My mind was in turmoil, and the frustrating part, was that i don’t even know why.

It’s a small matter, totally insignificant when you take a step back but yet, it triggered such emotional stress for the whole family.

Was i wrong to ditch her?

1 was being slow on purpose, why should 2 suffer the inconvenience?

I can’t be with them their whole life. For all you know, i might not wake up from my sleep tomorrow morning. Part of parenting is to prepare the kids for the day when we are no longer around isn’t it?

I know 1 will be fine waking up, getting to school on her own and all, but i still went back for her because of guilt.

There’s no way i’m admitting to my wife i went back because of pride.

I’m not telling 1 that i saw her walking out and getting to school on time because of my ego.

As I watched 1 disappear around the corner, a wave of regret washed over me. I realised deep down, that I had acted out of frustration and not out of what was truly best for her.

Sometimes, i really don’t know what i am doing.

Was this really the right way to parent? To leave my daughter in the rain, to let her find her own way to school? I thought of her small figure trudging along with her umbrella, and it made me feel like shit.

Did i walk to school in the rain when i was in primary school?

Fuck yes of course. It can be Cat 1 thunderstorm and i will be happily kicking through the water and leaving wet foot prints with my socks and shoes throughout the day in class. And yet i’m still breathing today.

The girls will probably forget this incident in a day or two. It’ll pass, and some other trivial matter in the future will trigger yet another round of emotional turmoil.

My wife and i have yet to recover from that, it’s been 2 days, none of us are willing to back down.

The kids are not stupid, they could tell we’re having a cold war.

One that is probably going to last a while and all because of what?

I want to blame it on the rain, on 1, on 2, on my wife, but i know at the end of the day, the problem probably lies with me.

Sometimes i look at other parents and i really wonder how did they do it?

Am i over thinking ? or do i worry unnecessarily?

I know my parents didn’t give a fuck when it was raining. It’s just rain, there’s something call umbrella.

And nowadays, the government made sure there are plenty of sheltered walkways.

I love my kids, i want to treat them like princesses but unfortunately, the reality of the world we live in today do not allow for that luxury.

Ok i admit, in more pragmatic terms, i’m not a billionaire who can afford to mollycoddle my kids till adulthood.

I’m just your average uncle on the street, with kids growing up fast, wife getting grumpier and fatter every year, bills to pay, and a fucking big writer dream to chase.

James S

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Diary entry 14/2/25

Pitching for jobs and meeting clients is part and parcel of my work. Sometimes, despite the best of your efforts, certain deals just don’t work out due to a variety of factors. Budget, personality, bad luck, or as the chinese like to say, ‘no fate’

I’ve come to accept this and i just move on. No point dwelling on something i have no control over. Recently, i was at Tengah to meet a potential client by word of mouth referral. The usual stuff, take a look at his place, suggested some ideas base on what he wanted. 10 minutes into the discussion, i knew it was not going to work. He wanted the sky, but he does not have the budget for it. I tried to manage his expectations but he just kept going on about how he can ship everything in from China to achieve the look he wants. He basically just wants something to make sure everything comes together.

In the end, i just gave him a ballpark figure which i knew he will not even consider. Actually i added 50% more to what would have been a more competitive amount because i knew it will not be an easy job. Not because of technicalities, but because of unrealistic expectations.

He asked for free design concept, and free 3D renders for a first look, i rejected them all. The meeting lasted about 40 minutes and when it was finally over, he asked for a ride to Jurong East MRT.Actually before that, he asked if i smoke because he ran out of cigarettes.

I don’t mind giving him a lift, it’s a small matter since i can head there to grab dinner for the family.

The moment i started the car, he asked why i didn’t mod my car engine.

client : the engine like no power like that. why you never zhng your car?

James :err…bread and butter car. I just need it from point A to point B.

client : car must zhng one, if not drive not shoik.

James : ok la. i’m not really a car enthusiast. Just need it for transport.

He started going on about car mods, brake kits, rims and parts which i honestly, don’t understand half of what he is getting on about. I just looked at the traffic light, silently cursing why i’m so unlucky to be stopped at every one.

And the irony, he doesn’t have a driving license.

James : oh , not going to consider getting it?

Client : no need la. take grab cheaper, no need find parking, anytime i want, just book. No matter how i book, still cheaper than owning a car.

I nodded and smiled.

James : how come you know so much about cars?

Client : my friends all play car one.

James : ahhh…i see.

Then he points to my ERP reader and ask me why i have yet to change to the new one.

James : Because it’s ugly

Client : huh ? can don’t change?

James : they haven force me to change.

Client : why don’t change early?

i was a little irritated by then and there’s still another 2 traffic junction to get to Jurong east.

James : oh i purposely one. I want to wait until last minute, then when they force everyone to change, everyone will cluster fuck and mess up the whole transition. And the mess will be so jia lat that they will have to postpone the roll out.

He just stared at me as if i said something ridiculous.

James: joking la. i’ll do it when i have time.

He was busy texting away on his phone then he stopped abruptly and used a voice message instead.

“I reaching already. where are you? can you hurry? come to the drop off point”

I pulled up at the drop off point by the train station and his wife was waiting for him.

Client : eh bro, don’t mind can drop us off at IMM, a bit further down.

He was trying to wind down the window to gesture his wife over.

Inside my head, i don’t know whether to laugh or not.

I told him i need to pick up my kids and i’m already late.

Client : where? not along the way meh? a bit further down only

James : i need to U-turn back to Bukit Batok.

Client : ohhh…aiyah then you should have said not along the way mah. Still drive all the way here to Jurong. Actually just another turn up ahead only what…haiyah, then , nevermind nevermind, we’ll settle on our own.

He got out without even a thank you, and gave a wave without looking at me. I could see him gesturing and talking to his wife, probably bitching about me refusing to give him a free ride and i saw her throw me a dirty look.

I pulled out into the road and i laughed.

Good luck to whoever is taking up his project. This happened before CNY, and the last i’ve heard from the old client who passed along my contact, that champion has found someone to work on his HDB. They were suppose to start a week before CNY, but nothing was done yet. Anyone promising you they can start work 1 week before CNY should be a red flag.

The contractor quoted really low, 20% lesser than what i think should be the reasonable amount. And the client paid 50% deposit.

I just dropped by the same unit this morning to kaypoh since i have another meeting in the same block but different level.

No work was done, no sign of the renovation permit either.

I know it’s mean to watch someone fall flat on his face, but you cannot deny it’s rather entertaining.

If i get a job in the same estate, i might just go back and follow up on the situation just for kicks.

Stay away from toxic people, they’re bad for your health.

CNY is one of the rare occasion you see relatives who you don’t normally see. During this year’s visiting, i visited a distant relative that we did not do so for 2024 due to a passing in his family. His wife has passed on and the festivities were halted that year for him.

He’s way into his 90s and while he still recognises me and manages a smile, he retreated into his room bare 5 minutes after coming out to say hi.

His kids say he tire easily now and spend more of the time sleeping.

I settled down in the corner of the house and while eating new year goodies, tried to put myself in the same shoes. Will i even make it to 90? And if i do, what would i be doing at that age? Can i still write? Will my thoughts still be coherent enough to craft stories and work on plotlines?

And god forbid, if my wife is no longer with me, will i still have the will to live on? Or perhaps, it will be just passing time for me.

Suddenly, i could understand why he chose to sleep so often. Maybe it’s not just due to his age, or fatigue. Maybe each sleep, brings him one day closer to his wife.

Yes it’s a very morbid thought but i can see myself adopting that same mentality.

The woman i love, is no longer with me. My kids, they’re going to be like 60, they may even be grandparents then. And me? at 90? probably just waiting for the day when my heart stops beating.

I too, will chose to sleep. Perhaps with the thought of not waking up. If life after death does exists, i know what i hope to see when i draw my last breath if my wife leaves earlier than i do.

White light, blue skies, and my wife smiling, her arms folded with her head cocked to her side looking at me. My dog, the one and only one i kept wagging it’s tail and bouncing about by my side. Definitely my parents too, maybe even my grandparents. All of us reunited in a different realm, a parallel universe perhaps.

As i age, i find myself thinking of death more often. Sometimes it scares me, there’s still so many things i have yet to do. i wonder if i will have the time to try and experience them all.

I don’t want to be clocking 9-6 in a cubicle, nor do i want to be drawing layouts on the computer or dropping weird clients off at the train station.

Life is simply too short to be doing just that.

It’s valentines day today, i hope all of you have plans with your loved ones. And may you have that happy ending you want.

As for me, tonight is going to be just like any other night. Sure it’s a Friday, but kids have enrichment classes, wife is working, and by the time everyone is done with the day, we just want to chill at home.

I’m looking forward to 9pm, because that is usually the time when the family finally settles down on a Friday. We’re showered, in our pyjamas and we can turned on the TV which has stay shut for the entire week.

A family movie, snacks and a ice cold beer while everyone squeezes together in the 3 seater sofa.

It’s a tight squeeze but the kids like it.

It’s a discomfort i gladly put up with, because i know in the blink of an eye, this will all be gone.

I may just be that lonely old man sitting at a corner of the house, a stack of red packets in my hand while the next generation run amok. I’ll smile, give some red packet, maybe eat some snacks if i still have teeth.

I’ll be thinking of the CNYs i’ve gone through, from a kid, to a teenager, to my adulthood.

I might last a hour or so before my body tires of the Jackie chan or Stephen chow classic movie they are showing, if they are still showing those.

Then i’ll go back to my room and sleep.

Maybe just one more sleep and it will all be over.

With a perspective like this, suddenly a lot of things don’t seem to matter that much anymore.

So what if i drop the client off at IMM? So what if i didn’t get the job?

So what if my business fails?

So what if i can’t write full time for a living?

We all have only one shot in life, at least i tried.

And i intend to keep trying.

James S

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Diary entry 28/2/25

It’s coming to the end of February, and it has been a very quiet month for me in my day job. Feels like i’m paddling against the current and after putting in the work and effort, there don’t seem to be any visible result.

Deep down, i know it’s not for naught, i may not be gliding across the water, but i know i’m building muscles and resilience. While this is true to a certain extent, you can’t deny the amount of self-consolation that goes into a statement like this. Haha.

The situation sucks but low, dry spells in doing business are to be expected. This is just the way it is.

With more time on my hand, i’m working more on my writing, and concentrating on the last couple of chapters for Home. Also in the works are a new 10 episode series similar to ‘My wife’s debt repayment in Japan’. It follows a similar format of an ‘innocent’ James getting himself into a situation way over his head. I enjoyed working on the plotlines for this and i hope you will enjoy the adventure.

One where James went from a private hire driver, to a Scam call centre where he needs to work his way up from caller, to supervisor in order to free all the Singaporeans trapped there. Can an ordinary man in Singapore do extraordinary stuff? This will be a fun piece to read if you like the past couple of (LL) series like ‘My cannot make it brother in law’ or ‘My wife’s debt repayment in Japan’.

Aside from doing deliveries in my free time, i pretty much took over almost all of the housework. Cleaning the toilet, doing the laundry. Folding and washing my wife’s lingerie, adjusting the padding of her sports bra, this is something that would have given me a wet dream when we just started dating. The period where we were just holding hands, still yet to taste the forbidden fruit. I would think of the weird things i will do when i have access to her room, her wardrobe, her lingerie drawers. Long before lululemon bras and tights were famous, there was the period of FBT shorts. Some of our early dates were just a run in the stadium and no prizes for guessing what was going through my mind when i run behind her. Eyes plastered on her legs, her butt and that teasing black FBT that rode high up her bubble butt.

Those days were long gone.

Now, as i looked at the pile of lingerie on the bed, i’m just numb. I will count the number of bras and question why she wore an addition two that week.

James: 5 days work week! Why got 7 bra! You went hotel ONS with someone is it!

Wife : Yes.

James: How could you! you know i love you!

Wife : yes.

James : Who is he! I want to know! is his cock bigger than mine?

Wife : He’s your imaginary friend…yes. He is 10 inch, he comes in from below and comes out from my nose.

She will give such reply in the most bored and monotonous tone possible.

I could be as drama mama as i want, but she too, has already grown numb to my antics. Sometimes, after a long day at work, she just don’t have any energy left for my shit.

Additional bras was because she goes to the gym.

Try as i might to fill my days in the week with meeting clients, or making deliveries, sometimes there comes a point where you just want to stop everything. You know, a day off, just to yourself. To recharge, to clear your mind, whatever you want to call it. Despite knowing that if i don’t clock any deliveries that day, i will not be getting any income, i just want to chill.

And i decided to do just that after scrolling through some of my friends socials.

Some of my friends are at the sweet spot in life.

Kids in their teens, peak of their career. Everything seemed to be going well for them. One of is in Taiwan, doing a round island trip on a motorcycle with a childhood friend.

Man, the amount of envy i feel, i can’t even express in words. No fancy hotel, simple street food, pictures of really scenic views. Just 2 man on 2 bikes. I wish i could do that too, take 2 weeks break, not worry about the family or anything and just take off into the horizon. I can ride a bike, clutch, change gears, the whole 9 yards but i don’t have the license. I was halfway through the practical when i just stopped, i don’t know why. Memory is a little fuzzy now.

Maybe i spent too long at the friend’s album that the algorithm decides to push me another. This time, it was an acquaintance. Friend’s friend, but we are on each other’s social. This one even more power, solo trip, self drive in Europe across a few countries.

He’s in wealth management, money is not an issue, but wah lau. Seeing things like this can be detrimental to your health. It makes you wonder why other people can, and i cannot? haha.

The more i think about it, the more unbalanced i feel, so i decided to do something about it.

While i wish i could update this diary and say i’m going to drive to the south of France in my 1969 Jaguar roadster, unfortunately, unless Netflix or Disney buys one of my story, i won’t be doing that anytime soon. What i could do however, is make a road trip closer to home.

To Malaysia.

I know you must be thinking ‘ Cheyy…bo liao’ but try seeing it from another perspective. Life is what you make of it. These are the cards i have, i either play it the best i could, or i whine, flip the table, and blame the whole world about my situation.

I decided to document my trip a bit in the diary to make everyone who read this jealous of my road trip…to jb.

It’s a weekday morning, and after dropping the kids off in school, i grabbed my passport and drove to the 2nd link. I’m a westie of sort and 2nd link is a lot closer to my location.

I enjoyed the relaxed drive, and upon crossing into Malaysia, i could feel the pace of life magically dropped a notch. No endless HDB estates, no tall buildings, no ERP gantries.

I turned into a Macdonald. Who the hell goes into Malaysia for Macdonald? I should be hitting the nice cafes and eateries, yeah but it’s been a while and i’m curious to see the difference between Sg and My’s menu.

Got myself a wrap and a coffee. Went up to level 2 of the Macdonald and it was totally empty.

I ate slowly, before taking out my laptop. Checked my email, replied a few and began to write. I spent about an hour and half in the restaurant.

Next, i made the short drive to a supermarket. My wife is aware of my ‘road trip’ and she has given me a list of things to buy, mostly toiletries. I have a list of my own, mostly stuff for the kitchen because i cook. Have began to play around with meal preps lately, going to grab ingredients to make burritos.

Kids have a list of things they want too, mostly are junk food they want to bring to school. Not a priority, but if i see it, i’ll add them to the cart.

While browsing the shelves, i saw something that reminds me of NS days. Twiggies!

It fits perfectly in your ammo pouch too. This is one of the night snacks i look forward to when out in the field haha.

Moving on, i went to add other items in the shopping list to the cart and yes, toilet paper is one of them. Wiping butt cost a lot more in Singapore than in Malaysia.

Going to the fruit section, i saw there’s a pretty good deal for mandarin oranges. It seems they are clearing stock after CNY. The workers were throwing away a lot of rotten one from the boxes and they put the nice ones on the shelves. It’s really wasteful but it happens in supermarkets all over the world. I could not resist grabbing 2kg of the small oranges, they make for good snacks after or in between meals.

When shopping is done, it’s time to do what every driver does when they come into Malaysia. That is to top up their tank. I came in with slightly more than 3/4, so i only got like 8ish litres of Caltex 97. Not exactly worth the hassle of coming in but hey, it’s my road trip.

It’s coming to lunch and i’m going to eat before i head out. I found a coffee shop and decided to grab a bite here. Just when i ordered the plate of noodles, i got an incoming call. It was from a potential client.

He asked if we could meet to clarify some question he has on site. Of course i can meet but i’m in another country. We confirmed the meeting time and i cut the road trip short and finished my lunch in 5 minutes. I didn’t even have a drink.

i was home in less than an hour, showered, change and by 3.30pm, i was on site.

I got the job. Yeyy!

It’s not a big one, if i don’t fuck up, i should be able to make 3-4k in profit for the project in 1-1.5 months give and take after taking away all the miscellaneous cost. It needs to be done in phases, which is a bit troublesome but it beats having nothing to do right?

At least something is moving.

Sure, my road trip was cut short, but i did have a few hours to myself and i got a new project.

While it may not be Taiwan, or the South of France, Malaysia has her own charms with so many places to explore and discover.

I have more to write about the wife and kids, but it’s a busy day for me today. Will keep it for the next update.

Have a good weekend all.

James S

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Diary update 12/3/25

The hardest chapter to write in my opinion would be chapter 24 for Home. It’s done and dusted now,and it’s over at the editor pending final checks.

I should be able to publish it next week give and take. Then it’s just the final chapter to wrap up the saga. I won’t go too much into this, will just let you read and find out on your own. I’m quite embarrassed it took so long to complete, i didn’t expect it either. I’m trying my best to juggle it all, work, writing, life and trying to keep my sanity.

Starting in April, i’ll slowly release the rest of Home’s chapter from 11 onwards. A chapter will be released each week until the final chapter. Thereafter, it will be put into the subscription for subscribers. I intent to keep book 1 and 2 free to read for all. Even for first time visitor to the site, those 2 books should be enough for you to gauge if you like my writing style to continue with the rest.

The other current free titles on site will remain as is.

Recently, something of note happened when the family is out for a late lunch. It’s the weekend, kids just done with their enrichment and since we have yet to use the family’s dining out quota of the week, we decided to hit a mall for lunch. We’re not in our usual neighbourhood, we travelled out on purpose because my wife wants to pick up some free files and books, there’s an app for this by the way. People give away free stuff, and you just need to request for it. My wife gives away her clothes and stuff the kids grow out of regularly. I wasn’t aware there was such a vibrant community of giving on the app.

Anyway, for lunch, both 1 and 2 want to have dim sum, and unfortunately, choices are limited for dimsum at 3pm, not to mention in a mall. We visited one of those chain eateries and asked for a table for 4.

The staff brought us to our seats, there’s a line of booth seating along the wall, and two more seats on the opposite side of the table. This goes on for 3 tables. The 1st one, is occupied by this family of 4, the 3rd, is occupied by two staff having their lunch. This leaves us the table in the middle.

The 1st family had bags spilling across to the seat we were about to take and the staff requested they bring their belongings closer to them so we can take the seat.

I heard a ‘Tsk’ from the lady who begrudgingly pulled her belongings from her left, and put them on the extreme right side of their table. That’s 2 school bags, a paper bag, a large LV bag and a plastic bag of stuff. And since she put it all at the husband’s side, the husband looked up from his phone, visibly irritated that she disturbed his game.

Even before we take our seat, they shot us the dirty look, as if we disturbed their meal.

I don’t think the kids and wife noticed it, but the staff certainly did. She was still very professional, and she thanked them for not spilling their shit onto seats they are not occupying.

I like meeting characters like these in day to day life. Their antics are useful when i build characters and plotlines. Every expression, every word they say, the look they gave, right down to the vibe, these are literally treasures for me.

The kids took the booth seats, while wife and i took the chair. Before i sat down, i saw the lady giving me the once over. She eyed my top, my shorts, then at my slippers, then she did it to my wife before smirking and looking away.

My wife, busy trying to put together dinner plans with in laws that weekend, did not notice that.

The lady is clad in branded attire from head to toe, so am i. Her brands are a mix from those high end shops you get at MBS.

My brand is basically what guys walk into Decathlon, cottonon or uniqlo, find a colour you like, a fit that works, and you throw it into a basket. When we step out of the house, we use those to cover our private parts so we don’t get arrested. That, my friend, is dressing for men who has figured life out. haha.

We placed our order and the family started talking about an upcoming trip we just planned with the cousins in June to Malaysia. Indoor playground, go karts, late night movies and all the junk food they can have. The lady, who was on her phone initially decided to put it down and she asked her children, who were also on their phones,about their upcoming holiday.

Lady : so.. are you all excited about our Japan trip?

She was rather loud and, she spoke quite abruptly, all of us turned and looked at her for a second. Seeing that her kids were not responding, she rapped the table with her knuckles in a passive aggressive manner.

Lady : i’m talking to you all you know! Can you put down your phone and look at me when i’m talking.

The tone was intimidating, and not pleasant. Unpleasant enough for my table’s conversation to taper down.

Her kids, looked to be about the same age as mine maybe a year or two older max, a boy and a girl. They put down their phone and proceeded to finish what’s left on their plate.

The lady shot me a dirty look again when she realised i was looking over at their table before asking her kids the same question again.

They gave one worded answer, obviously uninterested in the sudden bout of questioning that came out of nowhere.

The first of our ordered food arrived and we began to eat. I on the other hand, was beginning to feel the entertainment level of my late lunch go up.

From the trip, the lady began talking about enrichment classes. The kids’ phone were taken away. They just ate quietly while her mother went on about tuition. I saw her look at the free bags my kids used to carry their tuition materials, one with the centre’s name proudly printed in bright bold colours. And she said something which made me raised an eyebrow as i bit down on my siew mai.

Lady : I’m glad we switched out of *****, L******* L** is better. ***** cannot … properly.

She was referring to the centre my kids go to, with a tone dripping with condescension. The wife and kids did not catch that, they were busy trying to portion out the plate of dumpling noodles but the stubborn strands are not coming apart. 2 almost shove the whole lump of noodles onto the table and 1 was calling her clumsy.

I strained my ears, trying to pick up what the lady was saying.

She spoke rather fast, and with a bit of an accent which i can’t exactly place. A bit like Singaporean, yet not exactly Singaporean. That was not all;

Some of the snippets i caught were;

‘the article today you suppose to read on the paper…to be summarised…write properly and submit to ….or not…’

‘should be draw the diagram out first then you ….’

‘paper all careless mistake…if not is full marks…go for DSA…’

She will say something, then deliberately look over to our table. It’s not something a normal person would do. Something just feels off.

She kept on yapping away about school work, tuition and enrichment classes, and about the boy’s robotics class or something.

The conversation overlapped with my table, one where 2 was trying to tell me how much her green bean has grown in a few days.

1, was trying to put 2 down and say the plant will die in a few days, and she should eat it before it dies.

My wife, in a world of her own, asked 2 if she would like to have green bean soup. It’s been a while since i cooked that at home.

2, obviously irritated that everyone is eyeing her green beans for food, began to threaten putting green beans in our bed.

Me, on the other hand, was trying to split my attention between my family and trying to pick up what the lady was saying.

I didn’t catch quite a big chunk of what the lady was blabbering about when the staff brought the dim sum we ordered but another bout of raised voice from the table beside us silenced all the conversation. And my wife finally turned and look at the lady who was then lecturing her children.

Lady : do you know the quality of conversation you have affects…

I honestly can’t make out what was at the back but upon seeing me look at her, she gave me the dirty look again before looking away.

I exchanged a look with my wife and shrugged my shoulder, she saw the dirty look the lady gave me and she gave me a nudge with her leg. Her way of telling me to mind my own business.

Lady : you expect when you talk nonsense whole day…talk about stupid things…do stupid things…

The lady then snapped at the staff who served us food, asking her to change her plate which was filled with orally deboned chicken feet. And to clear the kids’ dishes.

The moment the table was cleared, she took out the enrichment homework and handed it to the kids who looked miserable.

1 and 2 saw what happened but they didn’t say anything, they just ate quietly.

They’re quite in tuned to what is happening and they too, could feel the change in atmosphere at the table beside us by then.

Nothing happened for the next 10 minutes or so until the peace was shattered by the lady’s rude tapping of her knuckles on the table in front of her son.

Lady : Why you always get that wrong! can you read properly first or not!

That outburst, naturally drew 1 and 2’s attention, their heads turned in unison and the lady didn’t like that. She did not say it, but she put down her tea cup loud enough to startle 2, who was sitting right beside her.

I could see the look in 2’s face and i didn’t like it.

Yes, the fury is bubbling. It’s building, not there yet, but it’s getting there. Things are going to get interesting that weekend.

I smile reassuringly at 2, and told her to just eat. The mood then has changed for my table, 1 and 2 stole glances at the kids on the next table while eating their food. They were doing their homework from their tuition class.

Our final order arrived, steamed custard bun in the shape of a piglet.

To lighten the mood, i did something stupid. I used my chopstick, poke two holes into the nose and asked my kids to look.

James : look…look at this.

I squeezed the bun and yellow custard starts leaking out the nostril of the bun like mucus.

They burst out laughing and they too, want to try.

James : It’s hot ah, be careful.

The laughs drew the attention of the table beside us and i could see the horrified look on the lady’s face when she saw what we were going.

1 and 2 punctured the bun as well and soon, we were squeezing the bun in each other’s face, like we want to projectile vomit the custard onto the table. They just kept giggling and laughing, the more they did, the more irritated the lady got.

James : look…

1 and 2 : EWWW….papa! ahhaha

I turned the bun, and squeezed the custard from the nose into my mouth before popping the whole thing in.

The look the lady gave me then, was ; ‘ What an unlucky day, having a fucking low SES family doing shit beside my table’

My wife, was sharp enough to catch on to what i was doing and she gave me a look, implying that i should stop. she knew i was out to irritate the lady, she’s right, but irritating her was a bonus, my primary objective was to entertain the kids.

Yes i know, playing with food, doing things like this don’t exactly fit into any culture’s dinning etiquette but i just want to lighten the mood.

From the corner of my eye, i saw the little girl whisper something to her brother and they smiled as well. The brother whispered something and the sister giggled.

As you can pretty much guess, this didn’t sit well with the lady.

She snapped her fingers.

Yes snapped, and gestured for the staff to bring her the bill. Her branded aura is getting diluted by my Decathlon clothes, she needs to get away i think.

She asked for refill of her tea when the staff brought her the bill and since the staff was right beside me, i also asked for a refill of ours.

‘tsk’

She shook her head in disgust as she rolled her eyes, as if i hijacked the staff. What you expect me to do? Wait for the staff finish, keep the flask of hot water, then ask her to do it again?

The staff came with the hot water and to return the lady her card, and by then, i was certain i’m not the only one that wants to mess with the lady’s day. A greater being, perhaps watching the show from high above, seemed bent on getting his dose of entertainment as well.

The husband, finally stopped his game and proceeded to refill his teacup with what’s left in the pot, tipping it and waiting for the last drop to empty. Since their pot is not available for refill, the staff did ours first.

Lady :Hello! we asked first you know!

Staff : i’m sorry…right away ah. very fast.

Lady :forget it forget it! don’t need to refill anymore! what kind of service is this? And you charge service charge. you should waive it !

Staff : sorry ah…sorry…

I feel bad for the auntie honestly, apologising for something that is not her fault in a way.

The lady stood up in a huff and snapped at her husband to pass her LV bag, she then snapped at her kids to grab their own stuff.

She straightened her body with a snap and turned so abruptly that her bag hit 2 on her right shoulder during the swing.

2 dropped her chopsticks and she looked up in shock.

My chopsticks was on the table right away, my wife’s left hand went on my right thigh, her nails digging into my flesh, while 1 immediately pulled 2 closer to her and asked if she is ok.

2 just nodded and said she is ok.

James :hello, you just hit my daughter, you should apologise.

The husband finally spoke then;

Man : what’s the problem?

James : your wife’s bag hit my daughter.

Lady : so?

Man : just accident what, what’s the problem?

He said in such a nonchalant manner and i would have gotten up from my seat if not for the fact that their son, apologised on behalf of her mother.

Yes, the son. The boy who was barely a teenager.

I was both shocked and surprised.

Boy : I’m sorry…sorry…

He did not say it to me, he looked directly at 2 and said it.

2 nodded and mouth ‘it’s ok’

It was not a passing remark, i could tell it was sincere, and filled with embarrassment.

The boy then turned to me, looked at me in the eye with an embarrassed look and said sorry.

Lady : Say sorry for what! what did you do? Crazy ah! don’t let people bully you!

He pulled his mother’s hand, dragging her towards him, mumbling something to her and even while the couple was walking out, they continue to shoot me the dirty look because i was staring at them.

My wife, by then was about to put me in a chokehold if i stood up from the chair.

The staff has come over by then and she too, apologised on the family’s behalf. she said it in chinese.

Staff : 这些人，神经病的，不要管他们。。。(Ignore them, these are crazy people…)

I asked 2 if she is ok and she just brushed it off.

The boy, is probably 12, 13 at the most. That was the last thing i expected to hear from the boy, an apology for something his mother did. It really surprised me.

1 : Papa…

James : mmmh?

1 : are you angry? i can tell when you are angry.

James : no…

1 : sure?

Wife : don’t do this kind of things in front of them can or not.

James :what?

wife : i know what you were doing you idiot…

2 : papa i’m ok…it’s ok…chill man…

James : I’m fine if she hits me with her bag, but she hit you…

2 : i’m ok, just a light tap. and the boy apologised.

1 : ya papa chill man…

James : yes…yes…yes…ok…i need to chill…yes yes…

Wife : ya ya, your papa think he superman…but he is just an idiot most of the time.

The kids laughed.

2 : i know papa want to send her flying out of the restaurant with a kick haha. he always say things like that. hahaa.

It was then 1’s turn to surprise me with something she said.

1 : i’m proud of you papa…

James: huh ?

1 : you showed restraint…you’re the better man…

Wife : wah…oh my god…where did you learn something like that!

James : when did you learn to talk like that?

1 : hahahah…from story book.

2 : what is restraint ?

1 : control la you stupid.

2 : orhhhh…

Before i realised it, the laughs were back and the mood has changed again.

1 : can we order more custard bao?

James : of course…

That was a good lesson, for me. A good reminder too.

The world around you can be shitty at times, you may meet people who test your patience. Sometimes it’s just bad luck.

They may stir the waters of our emotions, but often, it is within our power to steady the tide.

It’s not about avoiding the storms, but learning to navigate them with restraint and grace, especially if you are married with kids. They need you.

Though we cannot always control what happens to us, we can always choose how we respond.

In that choice lies our freedom, our peace, and our power.

If not, there’s always the option of doing what you are picturing in your head and going to jail.

This happened a while back, probably before CNY. i have it in a draft for a diary update, but have not got down to finishing it. Finally got it done.

Looking back, i probably was being an idiot, i could have ignored it all, but 2 getting hit? That, was the tipping point. I bet both 1 and 2 have forgotten about that incident, and in time, so will i, but it was a lesson in parenting. A good one.

There are more important things in life to focus on, rather than a couple whom i probably will not meet again.

So if you feel like you’re going explode one day, just take a deep breath, calm down. In a few weeks, it will just be water under the bridge.

And i have just beefed up my inventory of characters i can build for future stories. Good plots always need a few good assholes in them.

James S

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Diary update 7/4/2025

It’s been a particularly tough couple of weeks for me. I was down It’s been a particularly tough couple of weeks for me. I was down with a bad flu, aside from that, there were also issues between me and my wife.

Perhaps it’s the flu, or the streak of bad luck of not landing projects, or maybe the stars were just misaligned. End of the day however, i think the problem probably lies with me.

My memory was a little fuzzy about how it all started but i was pretty sure i was the one who started giving the attitude in our communications. It takes two hands to clap, i clearly remember my wife trying to salvage the situation by extending out an olive branch. However, i turn it down with silence and things just spiraled out of control from there.

It was bad, the kids could feel it. The awkward silence in the lift, the car, over dinner. It affected everyone’s mood. I was angry, irritated and frankly i feel my head is going to explode.

I tried to calm myself down and after a day or two of cooling down, i realised something. The problem was me. Yes, i was the problem in this whole fiasco. How do you fix a problem? There are tons of theories but to me, the simplest way was to remove the source of the problem.

I don’t want the situation to get worse by having more confrontations so i withdrew entirely, sinking into yet another abyss of dismay i dug for myself.

And guess what, it just made everything worse.

Feeling inadequate about myself, the slow progress at work, family, wife, everything just hits you all at once.

I was very tempted to reach for the bottle a couple of nights ago, but thankfully i stopped myself. It’s been almost a month since i touched alcohol, and i don’t want to break that streak. Have ballooned to 73kg after CNY, and i told myself it was time to do something about it. After a month or so of getting my shit in order, i’m back down to 68, and i’m going to continue a deficit till i get to 65. That means staying on a 1500-1600 calorie diet, and going to bed hungry every night.

Hunger, is your fats crying they say.

This, absurd fat cutting probably contributed to my grumpiness as well. With me in such a mood, this fucking, slap-deserving attitude, do you think i’m getting any from the wife? Of course not, and then the hormonal induced madness compounds.

It gets to the point when i will ask myself in the middle of the night what the hell is going on with me?

What am i doing to myself, to my family?

I shit you not, i will end up having a virtual conversation in my head with myself. Picture a hollywood depiction of angle and devil talking. That’s what’s going on in my head right now as i typed.

Yes, we’ve all established i’m mentally unstable and a little deranged over the years of reading my content.

But here’s the thing about being deranged it’s like you’re stuck in a maze of your own making, and the only way out is to keep moving, even if you’re not entirely sure of the direction.

I’m trying hard at work, i care for my parents, my in laws, i take care of the family. I do my best to take care of everyone. There’s food at home, pantry is stocked with everyone’s favourite hot beverages and snacks. I made sure everyone has something to eat during meal times no matter how shitty i was feeling. Sure, i withdrew myself, but the post dinner fruit platter was still here.

I’ll switch on the water heater when i see someone go inside the shower without doing so. I turn off the lights, i do the laundry, i wash the toilet. Even while behaving like a fucking cunt towards my own family, i made sure everybody’s physical needs were taken care of.

What about the emotional needs of the family? Both 1 and 2 need me. I can feel they want to connect with me, they want to bond. However i have my head stuck in my own ass. Like a puffer fish, i’ve inflated myself and surrounded my body with spikes.

I know clearly the damage i’m doing with my withdrawal. It’s childish, and ridiculous but what about my emotional needs? Has anyone stopped to think about what the father needs? I’m not talking about sex, food, or beer, men, also have emotional needs—things like understanding, acknowledgment, and a sense of purpose. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and yet, somehow, it’s invisible to everyone else. I just need a moment alone, with no interruption or distraction.

I’m just going through another one of my PMS phase and i need some time alone.

Probably a hole somewhere in the middle of nowhere so i can take a breather and figure things out. Unfortunately, that option is not available to a father, a son and a husband.

There’s no breather. Ideally i’ll want a hollywood worthy moment of me screaming into the rain, venting my frustration and anger, blaming everything on someone, something.

In the midst of my mental period, kids fell sick. When i pour the medicine out onto the spoon, i realised the spoon has gotten bigger. They, have gotten bigger, but the moment when they opened their mouth to take their meds, that split second feels exactly the same from many years ago. Wobbly on their feel, looking sad, miserable but they understood enough to take that horrible tasting medicine because it will make them feel better.

1, has got to the point where she could read me perfectly. Despite me behaving like an asshole, she will come to me and ask if i’m ok. I see her coming to me for something, like a piece of paper but when she sees the foul mood i was in, she makes an about turn. I could see, or rather feel the disappointment in her.

The terrible effects of shit-parenting is starting to take a toll on 2 at times. Sometimes, she just withdraws in the same way i do, choosing to keep everything to herself. On the rare occasion when i play with her, i can really see her face light up. She craves for the bond, both physical, and emotional.

And yet this is something i find so hard to give at times.

Sometimes, i feel like punching myself. This sucks, and i’m trying to get my head out of my ass. If you are a parent, i hope you don’t do anything like what i’m doing. It’s really very emotionally damaging for the family. They deserve better.

I know I’m not perfect. I know I’ve been distant, cold, and maybe even selfish. But isn’t it human to falter sometimes? To get lost in your own head? I’m trying to navigate this mess, but it feels like every step forward is met with resistance, like the universe itself is conspiring to keep me in this pit of despair.

In the midst of this shit storm, my dad comes to me with another pickle. His COE for the car is expiring and he is shopping around for a another ride.

He needs a simple ride for his work. Point A point B, carry some goods and supplies and that’s it. He calls me because he needed a guarantor for his loan. It’s no big deal to me, i’ve been acting as his guarantor ever since i started working.

Before i had a full time job, he needed to go beg some of my older cousins to do so. Over the years, he has been doing the same, going for cars that has 1-2 years left on it’s COE lifespan. When it expires, he gets another, rinse and repeat. You get the drift.

The cost is more manageable, and you don’t over stretch yourself on the repayments. Jap cars are reliable. He’s never had issues aside from the usual wear and tear replacements.

This time however, he had a shock in waiting for me.

He wanted to get a 90k 2nd hand car.

When i saw the figures, i froze and stared at it for a few seconds.

No he’s not expecting me to pay for it. I just need to be the guarantor for the loan. I know my father, for the past decades, he has always been punctual with his payments. Never once were there any issues. I have no qualms being his guarantor, but for someone who has nothing inside his CPF, is this really the right move for someone his age?

He just finished paying for the flat, freeing up a few hundred dollars a month in cash flow, but rather than saving that, he wants to spend on a car.

I felt like having a talk with him but a part of me is hesitant to do so.

How do i say ‘no’ to a man who has never said ‘no’ to me?

In 1995 or 1996, when i said i needed a computer for school project, i got one. I honestly don’t know how he did it, maybe he sold a kidney, pawn some gold heirloom or something. And i got it. School projects? sure, occasionally, most of the time it was starcraft, red alert and diablo.

When i was turning 17, i asked for a phone, one of the latest model to replace the motorola one i bought myself while doing part time work.

I clearly remembered that moment at Singtel like it happened yesterday. When it comes to payment, my dad had to use 2 nets card to pay for the 500 dollar phone. He asked softly if he could use 2 seperate nets card. That broke me.

When we got back home, i emptied my savings and offered to pay for it with the 100 ish i have inside the piggy bank. He say no need it’s ok.

These were 2 of the most pivotal moments in my life, moments that shaped the way I see my father.

It doesn’t matter what the family wants, you provide, you suck it up, and you continue moving forward.

He could get by with something simpler, something cheaper, perhaps at less than half that budget, but he’s always had a certain pride about him, a quiet dignity that refuses to settle for less than what he believes he deserves. And in this case, he believes he deserves this car.

It’s his money, and if i were to put things into perspective, at his age, if he can’t drive the car he wants, then when?

When?

As the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. Before the issue of the car could be settled, my dad was hit with some health issues. We spent the next few days shuttling in and out of the hospital. X-rays, blood test and now, he has a surgery scheduled in a couple of weeks.

I find myself sitting in the living room late one evening and just stare at the ceiling fan.

This is how it feels like to be sandwiched in the middle. Kids who look to you for everything, and parents who are starting to lean more heavily onto you as they age. My wife came out of the room and sat down beside me. She held my arms and rest her head on my shoulder without saying a word.

There was no need to say anything, just being there beside me is more than what i could ask for. I asked myself the same question, If i were her, will i do the same? Will i sit down beside the woman/man i married despite him behaving like an idiot? Especially with the way i’m behaving?

Honestly, i don’t know what i’ve done in my previous life to deserve my wife.

Just before she head off to bed, she told me this.

Wife : Things will get better…it will.

I nodded.

She knew i needed more time alone and she let me be.

A few days later, my dad called me and said he changed his mind about the car. I’m not sure if it’s because of the health scare. He decided to settle for a more basic day to day ride, cutting the cost down by more than half for a reliable Jap car with 1.5 years left on it’s COE.

Insurance agent assured me everything is in order for my dad’s situation, after all the subsidies, out of pocket expenses if any, shouldn’t be more than a few hundred.

And the most important thing of all, Doctor reassured me that my dad is expected to make a full recovery.

I felt a tremendous relief wash over me.

The weight on my shoulders felt lighter, but the exhaustion remained. It wasn’t just physical—it was the kind of fatigue that seeped into your bones, the kind that made you feel like you were running on fumes.

1 came over and hug me from behind suddenly when i was in the kitchen doing dishes.

1 : papa…i love you…good night…sweet dreams…

2 did the same when i checked in on her.

I finally found the courage to apologise to my wife properly for being an ass the past couple of weeks.

She forgave me of course, it’s not her first rodeo with a stupid man. A man she chose to marry. A complete idiot who thinks he is smarter than the woman he married.

In the midst of my mental anguish, i did something with my wife’s permission and blessing.

This update is too long to elaborate further but it has to be one of the craziest thing i’ve ever done in my life. Something which i spent 30 minutes discussing with wife, 1 and 2 before i did it. It’s sheer madness for a father, a husband and son in this predicament.

i’ll talk more about it in the next update.

I’m still breathing. No matter what life throws at me, i’m still here, still standing. The chaos hasn’t stopped—it never really does—but I’m learning to navigate it better, one step at a time.

James S

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Diary update 7/5/25

After a few months of drought, it finally started to rain. All the prospecting, the free meetups and discussion, taking site measurements and what not, my hard work has finally paid off.

As the saying goes, when it rain, it pours. I got not one, not two, but three projects all within the span of 2 days. I was not only surprised, but a little shock in fact. In fact, i was pretty sure i won’t be landing two of those jobs because i know my cost is a lot higher than what others have quoted the owners.

However, the pieces have finally fallen in place and work has began on those projects. All 3 projects are not major work, you could call them small-ish jobs but i’m looking at a profit of about 10k ish after everything is over. For all 3 la, i wish it was for only 1. haha.

Aside from main projects, i also got a call from a old client who wanted to do some carpentry works for his landed property. Looking at probably 1-2k of profit there.

So assuming nothing fucks up, or rather, i don’t fuck up, i will be contributing a cashflow of about 10-12k to the partnership come end May or early June.

If someone ask me in mid to end May; ‘ Yo James, ho seh bo, how much you make this month?’

This is the picture most will have in mind of a business owner; sitting back against the backrest of a chair, one leg up on the other, gold rolex in one hand, mercedes car key on the table while he shake leg and sip his coffee and talk on the phone. When my kopi o kosong some, i will take out a stack of fifty dollar bills and then pay with coins.

He will then say something like ‘ ok la, this month not bad. 10+’

Eyes will ooze envy, and the table of girls on the neighboring table will cast a couple of sideway glances, checking out the young towkay shaking leg in the middle of the day.

Perfect setup for a influencer wannabe.

This is the kind of scenario you see online almost on a daily basis. The usual flex of business owners. You should probably take it with a pinch of salt. Everyone wants to show their best side on social media, flash wads of cash, wave their cock around.

Make 10k in May-June, then what about Jan to April?

10 divide by 1, and 10 divide by 5, yields different results.

Nevertheless, i’m quite happy with the jobs on hand. Making a profit aside, the clients are ok to work with. They are reasonable and practical people. I’m unlikely to land anything new coming May, because those potential clients that i have met up with have mostly started work with others. Everything is going well with the projects in hand so far, and have started getting referrals from one of the client.

Sun is finally shining through the grey clouds haha.

My partner has better luck than me and he’s been consistently landing a project every month.

Anyway, with my day job more or less settled, it gave me a piece of mind to resume writing.

There’s not much updates lately, i was simply not in the right state of mind to go full steam on editing and creating new worlds and content. However, i’m slowly getting back in the groove.

In the previous diary post, i mentioned i did something totally crazy.

And because i was feeling so lousy about myself and all, my wife told me i needed ‘ new positive energy ‘. Those don’t come from being cooped up at home.

I need to get out of the house, have my head cleared, get rid of the negativity. Absorb some energy from the sun, the earth, the park, the water and what not. When i thought she was going to sell me some energy crystal, she surprised me by asking me to go take that trip i always wanted to.

The exact words she said were;

wife : you’ve always wanted to climb the great wall right? go do it.

I stared at her, trying to see if she is just joking or saying it in jest.

James : but…

Wife : kids are old enough, i can handle them for a few days. Book the tickets now and go.

With her blessing, i did the craziest thing i ever did since i became a father. Within hours, i booked a ticket to Beijing.

It happened fast, i was still in disbelief until my girls were hugging me at the door.

I expected tears, crying and unwilling goodbyes but instead, both 1 and 2 smiled and wished me all the best.

1 : go do it papa…send us a picture when you get there.

2 : papa, i love you, i’m going to miss you…can you video call us at night?

My wife, hugged me tightly and told me to clear my fucking head when i’m there.

Wife : You come back in one piece you hear me? and you are not as fit as you think you are so take it slow.

I was in a daze when i left the house. The reality hit me hard when i boarded the red-eye flight alone. My heart rate started spiking. It’s really happening.

The flight is quite empty, i had all 3 seats by the window to myself. Not that i can lie down anyway, my leg will end up sticking into the aisle.

A few hours later, i landed at Daxing airport in Beijing.

It’s been a while since i went to China and i was totally blown away by how much things have changed.

Airport transfer to my hotel in town took about an hour in an EV. If not for the frequent audio reminder about safety and speed limit, it would have been a very peaceful ride.

I did not have a good sleep on the plane but i was eager to start exploring. The freedom of travelling alone is something I hadn’t experienced in years. No schedules, no distractions, just me and the open road ahead. I dropped my bags at the hotel, splashed some water on my face, and headed out into the bustling streets of Beijing.

Standing by the side of the road, the one thing that hit me the most was how quiet the roads were. Practically no sound of car engines, most of the vehicles there were electric or hybrid. There’s the sound of wheels grinding against the road, and the sounding of horns at major intersection but other than that, it was quiet.

Much quieter than back home.

It’s a 30 minute walk from where i stay to the forbidden palace, and i took my time, taking in the sights. A lot of young girls dressed up as princesses, some dragged their boyfriend to dress up as princes as they visited the palace museum. It’s crowded, so darn crowded that if both 1 and 2 were there with me, i will be stressed out trying to make sure they don’t get separated from the family.

This is the kind of crowd i had to contend with.

Can’t imagine having to do this with kids in tow.

The grandeur of the ancient architecture, the intricate carvings, and the vast courtyards felt like stepping into another world. I felt so small against the towering structures.I snapped a few pictures for my girls, imagining their wide-eyed wonder if they were here. But there was something liberating about being alone, about moving at my own pace, pausing wherever I wanted without worrying about anyone else, ok , the guide will hurry us along if we take too much time but the pace suits a solo traveler like myself.

After the forbidden palace tour, i just walked into a random street, sat down at a random market/foodcourt like setting and have a bowl of noodles. Sorry, too hungry, no pictures.

I fucked the navigation, and just walked around aimlessly. The longer i walked, the slower my pace. Soon, i was just strolling through alleyways and taking in the sights in 15 degree weather.

I just kept going, clocking 32000 steps that day by the time i made my way back to my room for a video call with my family. When my girls saw my face on the screen, the started screaming and waving, jostling for the best position. After a quick chat with the girls, my wife took over the phone and the woman i married said this;

Wife : It’s been a while since i saw that smile…

James : what smile? I’m not smiling.

Wife : it’s your eyes… you look like shit the past few weeks…they’re different today.

James : Crazy…it’s the red eye flight la.

Wife’ : no it’s not…

She insisted on a tour of the room, making me open up the wardrobe to make sure i don’t have a social escort hidden in the room.

After that, it was an early night for me because i will be hitting the great wall in the morning.

I don’t remember my head hitting the pillow. I was that exhausted.

The next morning, when the alarm rang, i woke up feeling rejuvenated. It was 6am, the sun is already up, and i had a really good rest. I was ready to go.

I grabbed some soy milk and a bread along another random street vendor and made my way to the great wall. I booked a 2 way transport on a bus via klook while having a coffee the day before.

The one hour ish journey past in no time and i arrived at the visitor centre at mutianyu section of the great wall.

After loading up 4×500 ml of water, some dates i brought from home and a packet of nuts from the hotel. I did some warm up and off i go.

Cable car? fuck the cable car. I’m pretending i’m Hibiki having a morning work out. I followed a group of hikers up the north passage.

Unfortunately, my wife was right.

I’m a uncle who thinks i’m still in my twenties.

By the time i got up to the wall itself, my brain was starting to rearrange hokkien vulgarities.

Then i started on the wall itself.

The steps were uneven, some rising sharply while others seemed to crumble underfoot. Each one demanded attention, forcing me to focus on where I placed my feet. The ascent was relentless, the path winding upward like a serpent coiled around the mountain. My thighs burned with every step, and my breath came in short, ragged gasps. The air was crisp, biting at my lungs, but it carried a faint sweetness, like the teh limau ice i order when i have supper at a prata shop near my place.

However, as the climb continued, the teh limau was replaced by boiling hot teh halia. My throat was parched dry as i struggled, i could feel that stinging dryness like i’m about to have a sorethroat.

Then i did what all Singaporean men did when they were young.

Water parade.

I paused for a moment, leaning against the ancient stone wall to catch my breath. The view was already breathtaking—rolling hills cloaked in a soft haze, the occasional patch of green breaking through the monotony of brown and gray. But I knew this was just the beginning. The real challenge lay ahead.

Pushing off the wall, I continued upward. The steps grew steeper, narrower, and more treacherous.

I’m not alone in the ascend and descend. There are other tourists, kids, uncle, auntie, some looked like they’re old enough to collect their CPF twice and there they are, holding onto the walls and ascending the wall.

I did a full loop, from tower 8 to tower 20, back the way i came to the other end at tower 1, then to the tobogan slide near tower 6. Slightly less than 10km and it took me about 5 hours.

Not all section are tough, some are a leisure walk, downhill parts are easier especially for a lone traveler and you don’t need to wait for anyone.

The rhythm of my steps began to sync with the rhythm of my thoughts. Each stride forward felt like shedding a layer of worry, a weight I hadn’t realized I’d been carrying.

At certain sections, it was quiet, i was alone. The silence of the mountain wrapped around me, and the only sound came from the crunch of gravel underfoot and the occasional call of a bird.

The scenery was vast, almost overwhelming in its grandeur.

I stood facing the mountains and took a deep breath. That landscape has been there for thousands of years, and will continue to be there for thousands more. It made me realise how small my worries seemed against this backdrop of eternity.

As I continued walking, my mind began to untangle itself. Thoughts that had been jumbled and chaotic started to settle.

By the time i took the slide down the hill, i was starving.

I grabbed some food and hopped on the bus back to the city.

Needless to say, i knocked out the moment i got on the bus. 2.5 hours later, i was back in Beijing City. Another 30 minute subway ride later, i was back in my room doing another video call with my family.

The girls missed me and were counting down the days till i get back home.

I have another night in Beijing, and after a taxing 2 days of walking and exploring, i intend to do touristy stuff for the last full day. I won’t bore you with those bits. Walk, shop gifts for the girls and try food i never try before.

Before i knew it, i was boarding a flight back to Singapore.

When i got back home, the girls were waiting. 2, who has held back her tears for the past few days finally broke. She missed me a lot but she knew i needed a break from everything.

1 : you ok papa? are you back with us already?

I understood she wasn’t referring to my physical appearance; she knew enough to comprehend the intricacies of mental health, that’s what i assume anyway.

James : I’m ok…i’m back…perhaps stronger than ever…

After the long hug with my girls, they were eager to help me unpack and get to their souvenirs.

I went to my wife and held her tightly.

James : Thank you…i really needed this…

Wife : You ok now?

James : Yeah…

Wife : Good. Light is spoilt in the yard, toilet not flushing properly, aircon not cold, and you didn’t pay 1’s tuition fees, the school msg me.

Wife : 2 got make up class for…next weekend, my parents are…and the birthday invite for saturday afternoon for 1 is at…2 got a playdate on sunday, but she got…

I sat down on the dining chair and held onto my wife’s hand and laughed.

Yes i’m back.

And i’m ready for anything life decides to bring my way.

James S

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Diary entry 26/5/25

I’m finally done with book 4 of TBW series. Last bit of the final chapter is with the editor since last week. Some scenes need a bit of work but he should be done with them in no time.

This is a major personal milestone of mine and it’s taken a while to get here. I finally have a complete series of non-erotic work i can relate to.

And if anyone asks what are my past work as a writer, i can always direct them to www.lucasandk.com where the titles are available without erotica, instead of www.sensualsingapore.com where there’s a mix of different genres.

There’s a few things i want to do now that i’m done with book 4. First and foremost, i will be initiating a meetup with all the motherload owners. If they are available, and would like to have a beer/meal with me that is. It’s my way of showing my appreciation for their support all these years.

I’m not exaggerating when i say this group of supporters gave me both the financial and confidence capital to get this whole writing gig going. Dear ML owners, if you happen to read this entry, i’ll send sending you guys a mail soon in the coming weeks.

Don’t worry, no obligations to meet me, everyone values their privacy, i understand that perfectly. However, if you need a ‘familiar stranger’ to chat/talk, exchange banter, enjoy a nice meal with, i hope you will accept my invitation. My treat, but sorry, no omakase meals for now. Perhaps when some JAV company buys my titles for their plots or when Disney or Netflix want to make TBW into an actual series, we can have that omakase. haha.

Moving forward, i have some interesting titles in the pipeline. One of which will be grassroots. I’m looking at a late June to mid July release for this mini 10 part series. Similar to ‘My wife’s debt repayment in Japan’, it’s going to have plenty of sick and questionable scenes. Weird stuff takes place in scam centres.

Everything is going well in my day job so far. Projects are moving, i hope everything continues to go smoothly.

Family is well, mid year results for exams are out for both 1 and 2. It’s not exactly good, but at least they passed. They’re not happy with their results, wife is not happy with their results. I don’t know what to feel to be honest.

They passed the paper for one, by a few marks. Some are careless mistakes.

To get their mind off the papers, i brought them to the beach on weekend. Initially, they were not as excited as when they were younger. The allure of the sea, the sand and the breeze took a while to

sink in, but eventually, they started to relax.

The younger one, always the more adventurous of the two, went to the waves first. The older one lingered behind, kicking at the sand with a pensive expression. I could tell she was still brooding over her results, but I didn’t press her. Sometimes, silence is the best companion.

Wife was busy and needed to be back in the office, so it was just me and the girls.

I set up the picnic mat, laid out the field chairs, then i grabbed the sand castle toys and joined them by the edge of the water.

After just 10 minutes, we were busy constructing and digging absurd structures, only for the waves to crash over them and knock them down before we could finish.

We spent probably an hour and just digging, piling, collecting shells. 1 got a few live ones and took a video of them burrowing into the sand inside her bucket.

2 made a giant hole in the ground, her private swimming pool.

We kept at it until the sun set and my wife called me to say she’s done. We can have dinner.

It was then we realised we did not even use the picnic mat nor eat any of the junk food we brought along.

Pants wet from the waves, sand all over our body, we went to the bathroom for a quick clean up.

Seeing the crowd at the park’s eateries, and considering my wife’s location, we decide against eating there. We end up eating dinner close to 8.30pm somewhere near home.

There’s the usual wash up, shower, drying of their hair before their bedtime and when i’m finally done with it all, i sat down with the wife and shared a glass of wine. In her hands, were their papers we needed to sign.

Wife was going through them again, talking about the problem sums, the questions about evaporation, water cycle and while i nodded thoughtfully with a ‘mmmhh yes’ that sounded like Gandalf thinking of a way to save middle earth, my mind was at the beach.

There was only one question on my mind.

How many more times will i get to do this with them?

Because it just struck me that i don’t remember the last time my own parents brought me to the beach to do that with my sibling.

I really don’t.

I remember going to the beach, but the times when my parents were playing together with us in the sand, in the water, i can’t remember. I know it happened, i have snippets of memories of it, but what was missing were the details.

When 1 and 2 are in their forties with families of their own, I hope they will recall the moments we spent playing and growing together, rather than the times we were preoccupied with papers and exams.

Wife : are you listening?

James : Yes…

Wife : can you solve this question?

James : No…

Wife : tsk!

James : I want to have sex…

Wife : solve this question and we can have sex…

James : tsk!…

No sex that night.

Wife : sometimes i wonder what is inside that head of yours besides sex.

I smiled and gave her a sleazy, perverted look like a drooling old man who just got a nice wide angled upskirt picture of a hot babe at the escalator.

That evening however, there was something else aside from sex in my head.

It was a picture of yet another visit to the beach. Nothing fancy, just a mat, foldable chairs, coconut trees swaying in the breeze, and watching 1 and 2 play by the edge of the water with my wife by my side.

To me, that picture justified every sacrifice my wife and i made for the kids.

James S

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Diary entry 9/6/25

Book 4 for TBW saga has been uploaded.

This is a major milestone for me, one that i have been dreaming of for a long time. Together with the 1st 3 edited ones, i can now at least say i have 4 non-erotic title under my belt which probably have a better chance to hit the bookshelves maybe in the near future. Earlier attempts to get my own book published were not successful due to cost factors. Getting them printed is one thing, finding anyone willing to distribute it, is another.

Now that Book 4 is completed, i’m going to resume my attempt to find a printer/publisher. This will likely happen across the causeway to keep cost manageable. No plans to rush it though.

With the 4 full books, and the series of short, non-erotic titles, the site now has more than 20 titles of non-erotic nature. I expect this segment to continue to grow because i find myself gravitating towards working on romantic scenes recently. Short scenes and scenarios that just pop up into my head. While some of these non-erotic titles still feature mentions of sex, but it’s nothing close the ones in the usual erotic novels, definitely in the same league or milder than the ones you find on books stocked in national library.

June is traditionally a slow month for the site, lowest amount of visitors since a lot of people are overseas. With a few years of data and graphs, i can now plot and plan better in terms of releases and updates.

All good on my day job, no big ups and downs, just calm seas and a steady hand on the keel. I hope it stays that way. Some projects are completed, and i’m waiting for the balance payment after fixing the usual defects and kinks. I have one ongoing project which has expanded from just working on the toilets, to changing the entire kitchen. From that kitchen, i was introduced to a neighbour on another level. A single mum who wants to redo the master bedroom.

She’s hot, and friendly. My contractor was grinning all the way when taking measurements in the bedroom. Early 30s, low cut spag top and tight grey shorts that shows off her butt cheeks, she’s like the usual Milf character i paint in some of my novels. She can be a bit flirty when she talks. I’m going to use her looks and dressing as a character sometime in the near future.

Of course i told my wife about the hot mother, and she immediately rolled her eyes at me.

James : I was in her room…smells so nice…her lingerie…all very lacy…she has that seductive look when she smiles and squint her eyes…

Before i could finish, she immediately advised me to stop reading too much rubbish online, and added that she is not having sex with me that day. She’s rushing some work and her phone kept ringing despite it being 8pm on a Friday.

So i went to play with my kids for a bit.

Recently, 2 kept bringing up things we use to do when she was young. The games we play, stupid acts that we ‘collaborate’ just so we can irritate my wife, and the silly accidents that happened while growing up. She misses the time when she was younger.

One of which was sharing a same top as me a few years ago. I forgot what show we watched, i think it was Jack and the beanstalk, the movie version. One of the Giants had 2 heads, so after the show, we shared a top and pretended to be the giant while ‘fee fi fo fum-ing’ around the house. I had forgotten all about it until she reminded me the good laugh we shared. I asked her what other silly things does she remember.

She remembered games that i made up on the spot, games that we played together with 1, especially those i played exclusively with her. Hearing her reply gave me a glimpse into her head. She really treasured the games where both of us were really close together, games where i carried her, hugged her, or just holding hands. I asked what about holidays, travel, eating nice food and all, she admitted that holiday memories were a bit fuzzy, especially those when she was young.

2 remembers more of the time when she was just playing with me and my wife alone, than the multiple overseas trips we took when she was growing up.

As the younger child, it’s harder for her to get some alone time with us.

2 didn’t demand attention as loudly as her sibling. She was content to sit back and observe, but that didn’t mean she didn’t crave those moments of connection.

Later that evening, after the kids were asleep, I found myself scrolling through old photos on my phone. There were so many memories—birthdays, holidays, random days at our cookie cutter malls—but 2 was right. The trips and big events blurred together, while the small, intimate moments stood out vividly.

As parents, we always strive to create lasting memories for our children, but it’s the unplanned, spontaneous moments that seem to leave the deepest impressions.

For the older one, she is growing up so fast that sometimes, i was both surprised and intimidated by how much she observes without letting on. The way she speak is changing, the way she thinks, her perspective on different matters. 1 is thinking like an adult in some sense, but still behaving like a child in other. That mix is both fascinating and a little unsettling. She’s starting to question things, to form her own opinions, and sometimes, she’ll drop a comment that makes me pause and wonder where she picked it up. It’s like watching a flower bloom in fast-forward—beautiful, but you can’t help feeling like you’re missing some of the details.

I visit my parents on Sundays, and a typical visit usually follow a ‘fixed’ schedule. Old people, like kids, like routine. If your folks are in the same age range, you probably know what i’m talking about.

I’ll head over to my parents place about 3 ish in Sunday afternoon. Wife and kids will stay up there, watch TV, relax, eat junk food that only Ah gong and Ah ma’s place have, while it’s ‘alone time’ for me and my mum.

My mother and i will head down to the supermarket about 10 minutes walk away. We’ll spend the time talking, shopping, maybe grab a afternoon coffee and tea before heading back for dinner. 1, decided to join us one weekend, it was a pleasant surprise for my mum because she usually chose to stay back and play with her sister. When we were bunking in with my parents for a couple of years after selling our flat, we accumulated quite a bit of toys that are still collecting dust in my old room. They will dig through, clean them up and just play while i shop with my mum.

That sunday felt different, instead of my mum pushing that metallic silver auntie trolley, it was 1 pushing it. She walked a few steps ahead while i chatted with my mother.

My mum suddenly asked 1 if she remembered the time when she was standing in the same trolley while being wheeled to the supermarket. 1 laughed and said no, but she saw pictures of it. My mum will initiate conversations with 1, and she will answer them, but the common topics that they have are very little. It always end with an answer to a question she asked.

Watching them reminds me of my conversations with my grandmother. There is this disconnect that comes with the generational gap, a kind of polite distance that neither knows how to bridge. My mother tries, though. She’ll ask about school, about her friends, about the things she likes to do, but 1’s answers are always brief, as if she’s unsure how much to share.

1 asked me some time ago, why did i have to go shopping with my mum every time i visit. I told her the NTUC at my mum’s place is different, more heartlandish, stocks more stuff, cheaper, and my mum gets discount because she is a senior.

Honestly, i don’t know why i gave such a reply, there are no discounts on Sundays. And the prices are pretty much the same. However, when my mum ask if i need to get anything from the supermarket, i always say yes.

That was our time alone, a brief hour or so i really treasure.

After we’re done with the usual supermarket trip that weekend, 1 came to me like she wanted to share a secret. She pulled me close, speaking in a low hush voice.

1 : papa…you always go supermarket with Ah Ma when we come here, is not because we need the groceries right? The things you buy, we have at the same NTUC near our place. you just want to pay for her. right?

That question had me stumped for a second.

My mother, sort of knows the situation i’m in since i stopped full time employment a few years ago. She asked me to stop giving her allowance since she’s still working, but it’s something i find it hard to do. I’m already feeling quite inadequate as it is, if i cannot give her a token sum every month, i’ll feel worse.

I give her between 3-400 a month, it’s not a big amount, but it’s what i can comfortably portion out at the moment. Having brought up kids of her own, she knew the kind of challenges i face what with the tuitions, the enrichments and all. She has never asked me for money, it was always what i can afford to give. Paying for groceries, taking care of the internet bill and their insurance is the least i could do.

Shopping with my mum, i always tell her to pick up the heavier items when i’m there, rice, detergents, canned food and so on. Snacks that she usually won’t get on her own but i knew she like them, i’ll get it too on pretext that the kids want to eat. Then i’ll just leave it at the snack table back at her place.

I was surprised 1 was that observant, it just felt normal to me at the cashier as i put the items on the belt and just whipped out my credit card.

After the shopping trip, 1 helped to unload the stuff in the storeroom and shelves before joining 2 with the old toys.

While my wife is going through old clothes, in my old room, wondering if she could still fit it some of them, i’ll be going through bills, letters and smses in my parents’ phone. Once every few months, i had to redo their CDC voucher for them because according to them, their CDC voucher suddenly disappeared overnight.

Mum : Must be they don’t want us to use!

I will just nod and go ‘ yes yes yes…’

There is apparently a secret organisation that goes around deleting CDC coucher sms to stop old people from using them.

I have done it twice this year already. If there is something consistent about my folks, it’s they can delete something on their own, and then blame the whole world for it. It can be funny at times.

Back home, i asked 1 just before bed why she suddenly decide to join me and my mum for the supermarket trip.

1 : No reason why. Just curious…i use to think is because you can’t wait to be away from me and meimei. haha…

James : you’re right…

1 : papa!

I tuck her in bed and thought about my reply before telling her i only get to see my mother between 2-4 times a month.

James : One day, you will probably be doing the same when you settle down with a family of your own…you’ll be busy with your own life, career, kids…

I could see her thinking and probably painting that scenario in head.

Just when i thought it was going to be another usual, good night, sweet dreams, i love you papa kind of evening, she decided to surprise me again.

1 : Will you want to go supermarket with me next time…when i’m old like you?

I laughed.

James: when you are my age now…i’ll be in my 70s…if i can still walk, i will treasure every trip to the supermarket with you…

She gave me a hug and said ;

1 : you promise one ah…

I nodded.

James : promise…

It’s the June holidays, for those of you with families, you’ll probably be travelling. I will be heading out of town too, but just across the causeway. Nothing fancy or unusual. Just a short 2 day trip for a bit of shopping, visit farms, do some pottery and catch a late night movie.

This will probably be the last diary entry for this half of the year. Next entry in July.

Keeping with site traditions, i set aside a portion of takings every month for different causes. It’s not a big amount, but it’s what the site could afford.

I plan to keep this tradition going, doing what I can, when I can. It’s a reminder to myself that even small contributions matter, and consistency counts.

There are no personal details in the account, and no tax exemptions claimed. The organisations are not aware of the origins of the donations aside it’s from someone named ‘ James S’ of which there are about 40-50000 of in Singapore at least.

It’s a wrap for this diary entry guys. Stay safe, and keep breathing.

James S

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