James only wanted to borrow the toilet in a hotel, but ended up pretending to be a stripper for a hen’s night party. One thing led to another, before he knew it, he was hired to perform at a bachelorette party. He knew it will be wild, he just never expected it to be that wild.
There is a particular incident that stands out in my life and I know I will never forget it. It holds a special place in my memories, encapsulated as its own chapter in the story of my life. Today, i’m just your average guy in the street working in a SME company. No one will even give me a second look. Middle age, a bit of tummy, thinning hair, black backpack with a laptop on my back and a company lanyard, drifting through the crowded MRT stations.
Things were very different about 20 years ago.
Desiring to preserve my story for eternity, I made the decision to share it.
This happened back in 2005, i was in the last days of my national service. Days, i’m literally counting down to the collection of my pink IC. With quite a bit of accumulated leave on hand, i had 10 days of back to back leave before going back to camp for another 5 more.
On the first day of my leave, i find myself wandering down Orchard road after booking out. I window shopped, ate Indian curry, bought old chang kee curry puff, i even watched a movie alone at Shaw theatre at Lido.
At about 9pm, i was walking towards the direction of Orange Grove road. My intend was to cut through the road to Stevens road and take a bus home to Choa Chu Kang from there. However, i felt a rumble in my stomach. I know that feeling, every NS man who has gone outfield before knew that feeling.
That ‘oh fuck i need to shit but i don’t want to do it here’ kind of feeling.
There are plenty of malls with toilets, i’m in Orchard road but i don’t like to shit outside. As much as possible, i prefer to do it at home. I had lunch in the cookhouse, mee goreng, then it was Indian curry, pile on the curry puff, the large coke and tub of popcorn, i think my body was trying to tell me something.
By the time i got to Orchard hotel, i can’t hold it any longer. I need to go.
At 22, i’m still a little embarrassed to use the toilet in the hotel especially when i’m not a guest. You know, that ‘paiseh’ feeling?
Especially when the doorman stares at you, open the door and greet you. One look at my dressing of jeans, black top, army issued new balance shoes and short hair, you can tell i’m still serving. Even if not for the dressing, the sculpted arms, chiselled chest and sharp looks were a dead giveaway. I was at the peak of my physical form then.
When nature calls, you die die have to answer. I avoided looks from the door man and walk towards the hotel purposefully.
I hope he will just say hi and leave me alone.
Doorman : Good evening Sir.
The door opened and i gave him a curt nod and smile.
I saw the toilet logo and thought i’m almost at the finish line.
Then to my horror, i saw a manager in a dark jacket right in front of me. He had just finish talking to a lady, a rather attractive one too but i didn’t have time to observe her. I needed to shit and i could feel it at the exit already.
Manager : Good evening sir, Can i help you?
I almost wanted to bolt for the toilet and start screaming he can certainly help by getting out of the way.
However, i saw the pretty lady looking at me and from the other corner of my eye, i saw a groom and his friends laughing as they walked briskly back to the wedding hall. Honestly, i don’t know what was going through my mind when i blurted out my reply.
James : Hi, i’m actually here to perform for a hen’s night party…the girls will come down to get me. I need the washroom first.
Manager : Certainly, it’s over there…please remember to register yourself as a guest at the reception.
James : thank you.
I was surprised i could remain that calm, even more so as i walked like a boss, or rather, like a fake stripper. The moment i opened the toilet door, i charged into the closest cubicle and slammed it shut.
James: ARNGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
PUISHHHHH!
I was not exaggerating when i said it was an explosion. The splatter speckled the white toilet bowl and what followed was a series of deposits that made me feel like i’m an aerial bomber.
I was done in two minutes, my stomach was clear. In fact, i spent longer cleaning myself up.
After i was done, i spent some time adjusting my hair, wet it a bit, checked my bearing and mentally planned my exit.
Why need to plan? Bloody hell i go and bullshit i’m going to a party, what is going to happen when the manager sees me running towards the door after i use the toilet to shit. Yes, there is nothing wrong with using a public toilet but back then, i was still young, i’m not thick skin enough.
I exhaled, calmed my nerves and opened the toilet door in a confident manner, keeping up my pretense.
I stepped out with an air of nonchalance, hoping to blend in seamlessly with the hotel’s guests.
However, instead of being stopped by the manager, i was being stopped by someone else.
The beautiful lady the manager was talking to earlier.
She walked right up to me with her phone in her hand. I still remember she was using the samsung phone calmshell phone with the swivel camera.
Eunice : Hi…i’m Eunice…i overhead you saying you were…going to perform for a party…
My heart literally stopped beating for a second before i calmed myself down.
James : ermm. Yes…
Eunice : So you’re a stripper…
Eunice asked with a coy, mischievous grin as she gave me the once over.
The bullshit generator in my head went on full production mode and i started spewing more nonsense.
James : Well…the intensity and degree of performance can be discussed…I mean…the bride to be and her friends need to be comfortable…i’ll usually stick to the script discussed.
Eunice nodded with genuine interest.
Eunice : No touching?
James : I don’t touch the bride…This is Singapore man, laws are strict…i usually…
Eunice : I meant the other way around…can the bride touch you? hahaha
James : ermmm…behind closed doors…everything can be discussed…hahah…
Eunice : good..good…hahha can i take a picture of you?
James : sure.
I was expecting Eunice to point her camera at me but instead, she put her arms around my shoulder and snapped a selfie.
Eunice : ok, give me your phone number. what’s your name?
James: I’m James…
She gave me a missed call and saved my name as ‘James the stripper’
Eunice : alright then, i have a party next week. My best friend is getting married. I’ll give you a call this couple of days once they confirm…how much is it by the way?
I blurted out 350 for an hour. I don’t know why i said that amount, it just came out.
Eunice : That’s reasonable…what about extension?
James : Few minutes here and there i’m ok…any longer, it’s 100 an hour.
Eunice : cool. Alright…Hopefully i’ll see you next week James. haha.
Eunice walked away with a sway in her step that demanded attention. Her tube dress hugged her curves perfectly, accentuating her slender figure and exuding sophistication. Her high heels clicked confidently on the marble floor as she made her way towards the hotel’s grand lobby, turning heads wherever she went.
As I stood there watching her leave, I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by her poise and elegance. Eunice seemed to effortlessly command the room with an air of authority mixed with a hint of playful charm. Like a classy ‘Ah lian’ if you get the drift.
Her long hair, with a tinge of reddish brown, cascaded down her back in loose waves. The subtle scent of her perfume lingered in the air, leaving a trail of mystery and allure in her wake.
The manager made eye contact with me and gave me a thumbs up and nodded with a smile. He went on to attend to other guest and i quickly left the premise.
Before i got to the end of Orange Grove road to my bus stop at Stevens road, my phone rang. It was Eunice.
Eunice : James…can we confirm the following Wednesday. Same, Orchard hotel. 9pm.
I froze in the middle of the pavement.
Eunice : Hello? James, you there?
James : Ermmm…yeah..yeah…i was just checking the calendar…yes i’m ok…
Eunice : Great…i’ll see you next week then.
James : Yeah…see you…
I hung up and watched the bus i was supposed to board roll past me. I have 4 days to learn and prepare how to entertain at a hen’s night party.
James : fuck…
12000 words