Diary entry 3/7/24
Kicking of the first entry of this diary with a tummy ache. It’s a bad one. It started on Monday night and it’s been tormenting me till now. My ass feels like it’s on fire. It really felt like someone taking a blowtorch and putting it against my ass.
My stomach is churning, making weird noises and i can’t sleep properly. Woke up at 3am in the morning to feel my ass burn again. Not sure what did i eat that cause this, worked my way back and i ate exactly the same stuff the family ate. My kids said maybe it was because i did not wash my hand before touching the nachos. Anyway, i feel a little better now, but i have a fear of heading to the toilet because it still burns.
Hopefully another bottle of po chai pills will do the trick.
Channel 5 showed a Marvel movie , Shang-Chi over the weekend. It was something the whole family was very excited about. The kids were talking about it and we made plans to do something i used to do with my parents.
Back in the early nineties, there were no such thing as internet or streaming services. I remember clearly every Sunday at 8pm, Channel 8 will show some exciting movie. Jackie Chan, Steven CHow, or even better, one of those Hong Kong ghost movie or my favourite, Mr Vampire series. My god, the moment the trailers for the coming weeks come out, i felt as if life suddenly had meaning. haha. I will look forward to Sunday where the family gathers for dinner not at the dining table, but at the coffee table in front of the small TV.
At 7.55pm, i will start the VCR recorder, pop in a tape and start recording. Dinner will be laid out on the rectangular coffee table, my family will sit on the floor and i would literally have a mental orgasm when the show start and i tuck into my dinner.
To the left of the TV, is the main door which is left wide open. Neighbours will walk by, and we will say hi. My parents’ place back then had a configuration of 3 × 3 room flat in a row, followed by the corner 4-room unit. Just writing about this brings back tons of nostalgic memories.
My eyes will be stuck to the screen and i will grunt in frustration when the commercials come on at the exciting part. The commercials however, also provided everyone with a short break to use the bathroom, clear the dishes, and to restock their snacks and titbits.
Entertainment options were limited in those days, so spending time sitting in front of the TV as a family was considered one of the greatest joys.
I shared these stories and nuggets of my growing up days with my kids all the time, trying to paint them a picture of a world without internet, wifi, netflix and social media.
So for the recent Sunday show, i suggested we do the same as what i did when i was my kid’s age. They were very excited because we don’t usually watch TV. We usually stream some shows on netflix over the weekends. And meals were always taken at the dining table, not in front of the TV. So when i pitched the idea to them, they kept looking at the clock, hoping that dinner time will arrive faster.
I bought satay, bbq chicken wings, and 2 packets of soupy white bee hoon. When i came into the house 10 minutes before the show starts, both my kids were rushing me to set the table.
We chose our seats, opened up the food, and we tuck in right when the show began.
I spent a moment watching them put food into their mouth while their eyes stared at the screen. I wondered if i looked the same as what they did more than 30 years ago. Their eyes filled with curiosity while their mouth looked disgusting with satay sauce stains. By the 2nd commercial, we were done with dinner and i quickly cleared the table. All of us squeezed into the 3 seater sofa and we shared some titbits we bought.
By the end of the show, 2 was swinging her arms around doing pew pew pew, and trying to combine her gymnastic flexibility with her own invented kung fu. My kids’ Chinese sucks, and when i hear them speak in Chinese, i felt as if i let my ancestors down.
I can almost picture my late grandfather scolding me in Chinese, then berating me in Hokkien for raising my children as “potatoes” when I was raised in a Chinese-speaking household.
With my beer can in hand, i watched 1 throw 3 cushions in succession at 2 before saying;
1 : 我是文武
Not wanting to lose out, 2 kicked back the cushion and said something that made me and my wife burst out laughing.
2 : 我是Sheng siong.
1 : what are you talking about! Sheng siong is supermarket.
2 : the son’s name. what was his name.
1 : Shang Chi.
2 : Oh..
All of us had a good laugh but when i stopped laughing, i was overwhelmed with sadness.
How the fuck did Shang Chi become Sheng Siong ? I asked 2 before bed and she say that is the most Chinese sounding word she can think of.
James : Is it because we always buy our groceries there?
2 : no. i think it can also be a super hero name. hahaha.
She finds it amusing and while i can see the humor in it, i can’t help but worry what kind of rubbish she will be writing in her school work.
Back on the writing front, have a sudden surge of inspiration for ‘My wife’s debt repayment in Japan’ Started the plot as a 2-3 episode series but has since developed it into a full length title.
It’s a bit different from the usual, much like playing an RPG game in some way. James gains additional controls and options along the way depending on how he wants to utilise the resources her gathered. There is potential to go beyond 10 episodes but i felt it will be too draggy. Have already sent 8 episodes clocking more than 90000 words over to my editor. Hope to wrap up the final 2 episodes this few days. Then it’ll be back to finishing up ‘Home’ and other standalone titles.
That’s all for this update, will share more soon.
Stay safe all.
James S
Diary entry 23/7/24
It’s been a very frustrating week. Lost my shit countless times. Feels like i’m stuck in a vicious cycle of anger and frustration. It stems not just from work, everything seem to happen at the same time. Work, client, family, writing. It’s like some greater being wake up one day and just decide to fuck around with some poor sob and see what happens.
And i happen to be that poor sod.
Despite writing 2-3000 words everyday, i find myself chucking them aside because i’m just not happy with it. Reading what i wrote disgust me, it’s that bad.
Those are all going into the trash, re-reading them just make me more frustrated. Tweaking around with the site settings and plugins end up sending more than a dozen subscribers into oblivion. Something that i’m not even aware of until they messaged me privately.
I’m sorry about that guys, sometimes i have no idea what my mucking around will cause. Usually i find out the hard way and just learn from there. So if you ever find your subscription access in limbo, please just drop me a message or email. Chances are i may have just messed things up.
After a couple of weeks of furious writing in June, i managed to complete a full 10 episode series for My wife’s debt repayment in Japan. Ok it’s not 100%, probably 95%. It’s all with my editor and he’s working on the final touch ups. Together with the short works, i have a buffer for easily 2-3 months if i fall into a writing rut.
It happens, just like menses. Only in my case, it’s one where my brain bleeds. In fact, i could feel it setting in when i’m typing this. Just like girls could sense their period arriving, i could feel a massive writing block setting in. The kind that puts me in a mood where everything i write, read or come up with is not good enough.
I guess this is one key risk i have to manage if i want to do this full time. I can’t imagine what will happen if one day i just can’t write anything anymore. I probably have to fall back full time on my deliveries and side gigs.
It’s getting harder to clock the number of deliveries i hope to get everyday, and i’m not even being choosy. Competition is heating up, and demand is dropping. Something doesn’t feel right about the whole environment.
Being in a mental menses mood doesn’t help with family life either. I’m still sub-conciously pushing my kids away. It’s heart breaking when i think about it but i can’t control myself. Feels like i’m having some split personality.
2 can come and tell me a whole load of stuff about her day while i was working and before i could say anything, she went on to say;
2 : it’s ok, i know you are not listening, but oh well…
And she ran off to do her other things.
It sucks, it really does. These afterthought hits hard when i stop what i was doing to think about what just happen.
Was the fucking drawing on my screen so important that i don’t have the time to listen to what 2 was telling me?
No it’s not.
Was the plot i’m working on so critical that i cannot stop typing to talk to them?
The answer is no either.
One of the key perks of working from home most of the time was being able to spend more time with them but i am wasting that precious moment everyday.
1 asked me for the time the other day and i snapped at her.
Why is she asking me for the time? There are like 2 clocks in the house, why can’t she just look at it? She can read time in 12 and 24 hour formats.
Only when i calmed down from my frustration, did i realise that she didn’t needed the time. She didn’t need me to tell her what time it was. All she wanted to do was to talk to me, she wanted an opportunity to have a conversation.
And as usual, the dumb ass me pushed her away.
i don’t know why, i really don’t. I attribute it to the frustration with work and everything else. I’m assigning blame to everything, everyone but myself when i should be in better control of my emotions.
If i could code a ‘spit in my face’ button, i would probably do it so if you read this, you can click it and give me a literal spit in the face for being a lousy parent.
I need a miracle drug to fix this dumb mentality of mine. I love my kids, and i keep trying to find out why i’m using work as the reason to push them away.
After a can of beer and a glass of whisky, i narrowed it down to these ;
Inadequacy in contribution to the family
Not achieving as much as my peers
Being in a rut while my friends are at the peak of their career.
I sat in the middle of the living room at 11pm and laughed at myself.
Well, this is life isn’t it. Sometimes it beats you down, makes you feel everything has gone to shit but truth is, the situation isn’t that bad if you take a different perspective.
One that becomes clearer after a couple of drinks where you toe the line between that woozy buzz that alcohol gives you and the knock out kind of drinking that gives you a bad hangover.
I dropped everything i was doing one evening and played with my kids. They were trying to do some doctor patient game in a make shift clinic. Chairs were arranged, white board with room and patient numbers were written. Soft toys were used as patients while a book functioned as a laptop.
It was a short game, 30 minutes at the most but there were plenty of laughs and giggles. I would have wanted to play longer but i find 30 minutes to be the tolerance i have for childish games like these. I want it to be longer, i want to last longer.
Yes, all men say that they want to last longer, but this is in a different context.
I want to be able to play with them for longer stretches without feeling the urge to check my phone, to look at my screen. I know deep down these are moments that i will regret if i don’t grasp onto them tightly.
In a couple of decades, when i’m dying on the bed, breathing my last, moments like these will be what i will be holding on to. I won’t regret not getting another project, or writing a perfect short novel, or getting some plotline sorted out.
I know for sure the only thing i will miss then, is i did not spend that few extra minutes with my kids playing. Just playing.
They’re growing up so fast, i don’t get to hug and hold them as often as i should anymore. One day, they are just going to flick the switch and become a teenager. Given my temper, i probably need increase my alcohol intake to deal with teenager shit, and this online diary that i keep, will probably be choke full of whines and complains.
Sorry for laying all this out here, but it’s the only place i have to vent thoughts that i don’t even share with my wife.
Yes i’m in a rut, waist deep in quick sand, i’m sinking slowly but i’m still breathing. I’m still fighting. And i will crawl out of the pit stronger than ever.
Stay safe all.
James S
21/8/24
It’s been a while since i updated the diary. I tried to do so many times at the beginning of August but i just can’t seem to concentrate and organise my thoughts properly.
I’m crawling out of my brain menses and i can feel things getting back to normal. Ideas are starting to flow again but i’m still not back to my optimal writing state.
Day job kept me busy this few weeks, and i don’t even have time to clock any deliveries for almost a week. Things should start to ease by end of August, and i will have more time to work on my stories and website.
For ‘Home’, i’m down to the last 3 chapter. Chapter 22 is already with my editor who is giving it one last look through. Planning to release it at end of August. If you have been following the story closely, you would know we’re coming to the intense and epic fight scene everyone has been waiting for. From close combat with Hibiki and Jane, to the fierce gun battles Colonel James and his operators get into, gangland style shoot outs and fights by Jackson and his men, then there are the frigates in the water and our jets returning home for the fight. Not to forget Welly chin’s last stand with his men at the alternate ops centre. This is my first time writing a fight of such proportion, i’m terrified, but if i don’t try, i’ll never know. And the only way i can get better, is if i keep doing it. Alright, i won’t go more into this, will just let you read and find out on your own when it’s out.
My wife’s debt repayment series has started, if you haven read it, i highly recommend it. I enjoyed writing it, perhaps there is a hotel like this somewhere in the world, just that it’s kept strictly for the elites. haha. It’ll be too long for me to just release this week after week without a break, so please refer to the post itself on the release dates for various chapters. This series is already completed, 10 chapters in all, so there will not be any delay in release.
August is a month of celebration for the nation, and while i did not get tickets to attend NDP, i found another way to bask in the atmosphere with the family.
During the very last rehearsal, we loaded up the picnic mat and chairs, grabbed some food from Don Don Don Ki, and we went to the open lawn near Marina Bay mall. We arrived early, found a spot and just chill on the lawn.
The kids ran around for a bit before deciding to settle down for the show. We can’t really see any of the performance but we can see the red lions jumping out of the plane. We can also catch the fly by of the jets too. And of course, the amazing fireworks.
Tourist, expats, locals, families, couples, even pets, everyone was just chilling and enjoying whatever we could see when we look up into the skies. We were far away from the actual stage but we could hear the echoes and screams when the MC hyped up the crowd.
I was helping 1 with her food when the chinhook flew by with the flag. My kids stopped what they were doing and just looked up into the sky. While they stared up at the flag, food in their hands, i was looking at them. There was this look on their faces as they saw the majestic national flag fluttering beneath the aircraft, a look i can’t describe. In that instant, a deep sense of pride welled up within me—not just for my country, but for the simple, pure joy on my children’s faces. One just need to realise how far we have come since 1965, back then, we don’t even know if we have enough water to drink, now, we can fly a flag over one of the largest body of fresh water in the country.
My kids were very excited about NDP celebrations, in part probably due to what they were exposed to in school since young. 2 was so happy that her class got to perform the NDP song on stage, she trained for it everyday. The song kept playing over and over in the living room while she danced and practiced her moves. 1 kept reminding me to hang up the flag.
1: we’re late this year. our neighbour already hung theirs up. Hurry up!
2: Papa, when are you going to hang up the flag! our whole block, only our neighbour hang up, we need to join them, if not it will be very lonely for the other flag.
They will nag at me everyday until the flag is up. I used to do that to my parents when i was young too, right up until secondary school. Somehow, the patriotic fever just died off slowly as you grow older.
Aside from basking in the atmosphere, i want to be there for another reason.
I long to listen to the sound of the jets bouncing off the buildings in the Central Business District. You probably think i’m mad, for those of you staying near airbases, you are probably cursing each time the planes take off. Well, i understand exactly how you feel. When my kids were born, i was staying in Punggol. My limited vocabulary cannot express my frustration when i barely put 1 down to her nap when those planes just roared through the estate.
Holy fuck, i shit you not, if cameras and tik tok were all the rage then, you might see a video of me cursing into the sky when the sound of jets woke up my kids.
I will laugh to myself when i think about it now, and i shared these with my kids too. My wife tells them them i will fly into a rage whenever it happens. Imagine already being so exhausted as young parents, and you finally put the baby down for a nap then, vrOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
Then the baby’s eyes open and starts screaming.
You are really in a don’t know whether to laugh or cry situation.
I hated the roar of the jet engines then, but i have learned to appreciate them now. I’ve come to find a certain comfort in the sound. It’s a reminder that our boys are up there, vigilant and unwavering, safeguarding our skies, and with every pass, I feel a little more secure, knowing they stand watch over us all.
Watching the artillery fire on TV as it performs a 21-gun salute will not have the same effect as experiencing it in person. Although I am not at the parade itself, the sound of the booming artillery is close enough to make an impact. The blasts reverberate through the CBD, bouncing off the buildings’ facades with each round fired.
You could literally feel it in your heart with each boom. It’s still not as good as when the old national stadium was standing though. I’ve had the privilege of attending a NDP in the old national stadium once. When that gun goes off, i could feel the concrete structure tremble beneath my feet, all 21 of them.
It was nothing short of magical for the young boy then.
It would be nice to be able to write in that moment, but i can’t.
I recorded numerous videos, envisioning the moment when the F16s appeared in the frame to be as exhilarating as when the squadron finally joins the battle after traveling halfway around the world.
I’ll stop the rambles about NDP here, i think i’ve gone on enough.
1 is sick this couple of days and if you are a parent yourself, you will understand how much it sucks to see your child in that state. Although she’s old enough to handle the fever, sore throat, and body aches, she doesn’t complain as much as before, It hurts me to see her in pain.
I was blow drying her hair when she started crying. I asked her what’s wrong and she said she will do the hair drying herself. She feels bad that i have to do it for her after a long day at work, and i haven even had time to take a shower. I laughed and told her it’s fine. 2, upon seeing me dry 1’s hair, wanted me to do the same as well.
It’s something I do less often now as they grow older. I wouldn’t call it bonding time because the noise makes conversation impossible. But it’s a quiet moment we share, just being close to each other.
It seemed like just yesterday they were tiny tots running around the house, and now here they were, growing up right before my eyes.
Alright, i think i better stop here for now and get back to working on my stories.
Will update the diary again soon.
James S
Diary entry 3/10/24
Recently, 1 made an offhand comment that really got me thinking. How much does she truly understand the weight of her words?
We were in a mall and i wanted to get a coffee bun. Was feeling a little peckish and it’s like 3pm in the afternoon. The neither here nor there kind of timing.
When i was getting it, 1 said she wanted a bun too. Then 2 came running along, she also wanted 1. However, both of them said they only wanted a bite and they refuse to share to each other. This is the part where i feel like strangling both of them in public but alas, due to the numerous cameras and the fear of being crucified by the internet, i could only take a deep breath and exhale slowly to calm myself down.
Now the simple thing will be to get 3 buns, problem solved, but no. 1 and 2 wanted half each remember?
So get 2, i ripped a bun into two halves with my parenting rage and stuffed it into their face but no. My wife has to come into the equation.
She also wants one bite.
I looked up into the ceiling of the mall, and i stared at the blinking smoke detector as my weekend, exhausted brain tried to process the math like it’s a PSLE problem sum.
I’m getting to the point of buying 4 buns, throw 3 of them into my family’s face, then i’ll run into the nearest toilet, lock the cubicle and eat my coffee bun in peace.
Thankfully, logic and rationale thoughts took over quickly before disaster struck. I bought two buns, in two separate bags. My wife will share with 2, while i share mine with 1.
The coffee buns are hot, the crust are crisp and watching my kids smile while they bite into the treat made me regret not running into the toilet cubicle with one of them. I meant the bun.
10 minutes later, 2 finished her bun.
2: Sorry, i thought i just wanted a bite, but i finished it.
1, who suddenly realised she was down to her last bite, looked at me in an apologetic manner.
1: Sorry, i didn’t realised i ate so much.
By then, we’re on the opposite end of the mall and i’m not about to walk back to buy a bun, so i asked 1 to finish it.
James: It’s ok, you have it.
2 : poor papa…hahha
1 tapped me on my back in a comforting manner.
1 : It’s ok papa, this is what fathers do.
She just said it in a nonchalant manner as she finished the last bite.
And it got me thinking, what does it mean to be a father? The age old question of responsible fatherhood has been solved. No it’s not about sacrifice, being selfless or always being there for your family. It’s about giving up your coffee bun when you really wanted it, and then realised you are equally happy when you don’t have it because, you gave it to the ones you love.
i haven got a chance to talk to 1 about what she said but over the past couple of months, i noticed her getting more matured in her thoughts. She’s still a kid, she still needs reminders to do her homework and what not but i could see the difference in her attitude. The way she respond to me when we quarrel, when i scold her, or even general conversation, something is just different.
She’s growing up and growing up fast. I’m starting to see more and more of me in her. She devours books, and i mean really devours them. She found one of my Dan Brown’s book, and asked if she could read them. Da vinci code isn’t exactly suitable for someone her age, i told her she probably won’t understand it. She finished it in 3 days.
1 : it’s interesting, but some parts are quite sick and disturbing.
I had a brief discussion with her about the book, the conclusion was that she didn’t enjoy reading it.
James : Then why did you finish it?
1 : Read halfway, don’t finish, neither here nor there leh. haha.
2, like 1, is also growing up faster than i realised. In my earlier diary entries, 2 will still come up to me when i’m working, and ask me to play with her. Nowadays, i see her running in, pretending to do something with her toy or what not. She will see if i’m busy, if i am, she will just pretend she didn’t come in to talk to me.
It’s heart breaking. I wished i could drop everything and play with her.
Sure it’s 8pm on a week day, plenty of other parents are still at work, some of them are probably on the way home and all but has life come to this in our country?
Several of my younger cousins refused to have kids and i could understand perfectly why they chose not to.
I mean if my cousins were in the room, watching that very scene pan out, they will know their choices are right.
Yes, It’s unreasonable to expect parents to be with their children all the time, but it’s also wrong to have kids only to leave them in childcare or student care all day, then pick them up at the end as if they were left at a baggage counter.
One of my greatest guilt was that i could not spend enough time with my kids. That’s what i feel anyway, but then again, there isn’t a yardstick to measure how much is enough.
I realize that every time I push them away because of work, it’s one time too many.
One of the biggest risk when it comes to writing for a living is mood. And i have been rather scientific about this actually. I documented the duration of my writing block each time, what caused it to start, how long it takes to end, and so on. Then there are some days where you can be perfectly fine, everything is going smoothly, but you just can’t write anything.
There is a recent addition to this risk. It’s when your loved ones fall sick. I was hit with a slew of inspiration in the afternoon. It just hit, like a hard slap across my face. I felt the goosebumps, i could feel the fire in me. I was ready to fly. Then i get home and saw 1, her eyes red, thermometer in hand.
1 : Sorry papa, i think i have fever…
Then she started crying.
I quickly went over and hugged her. After a flurry of self medication with old syrups and concoction from the recesses of the fridge, i put her to bed.
Wife came home with a sorethroat too and said she could feel like she’s about to get hit by a bad cold.
I wanted to laugh. It’s one of those days where you felt like life put both hands together with the index finger pointed up high and just anal you in your ass.
Despite having loads of inspiration and ideas, most importantly, the free break among my projects and work to write, i couldn’t do it. After settling down the family, i just stared at the screen blankly. The words were right at the tip of my fingers but i just couldn’t do it.
In the end, i just laid down beside 1 and watch her sleep. It reminded me of the time when she was just born, every once in a while, i will check if she is still breathing. Don’t laugh, it’s serious shit. I worry if her pillow will suffocate her, or she might just turn and flatten her face on the bed or something. I wonder how long more will i get to do that, just lie down beside her and watch her sleep. Maybe a few more years at least, i mean it gets to a point where the love of a parent can just appear to be creepy if you get what i mean.
Imagine my in law staring at my wife sleep. You get the drift. Time with my kids are slipping away fast and i just can’t seem to hold onto them.
It was a painful night for 1, her nose is all blocked up, her throat was sore , her fever was burning up. I was doing the damp towel on her forehead thing while my wife started coughing in the other room.
2 was fine initially, but i know the drill. If you are a parent and have been in similar situation before, you will know it too. If someone goes down, there’s a high chance everyone goes down.
Next few days went by in a blur. Trip to the doctor, 1 holding my arm as she leans against me. 2 crying as i carried her because she caught the same bug, wife being sick meant no hanky panky and just when she is beginning to feel better, her menses came.
In the quiet moments between doctor’s appointments and restless nights, i found solace in the simple act of being there for the family. I can’t take away the viral infection, but I can make sure they have their medicine on time, their fever is managed and their meals are warm. And i realised, maybe being a father isn’t just about giving up your coffee bun when you really wanted it. It’s about being there when they need you the most, whether it’s for a warm hug or to hold their hand as they fall asleep.
Everyone is feeling better now, still a bit of lingering cough that will take time to clear but the worst is over.
And i’m proud to say, i am still standing strong. I’m not getting wack by some fucking flu bug. I can practically picture my immune system giving the bug the finger while waving the banner that says ‘ fuck you, i dare you to try’.
This is a long entry, delayed and postphone a few times because i had to stop updating it when my kids come running. I finally had time to finish it while enjoying a glass of well earned whisky.
Wife promised me a good time next week, a reward for the sacrifices i made lately, coffee bun incident not included.
I get more random hugs from both 1 and 2 lately. Sometimes, it felt like they didn’t know what to say to me and all they knew i needed was a hug. And they are right, i needed it.
The equations of life may be complex and unpredictable, but the constant factor will always be the love we share as a family.
And the next time i get to the mall with the coffee bun, i know exactly what i will do.
I will make an excuse to go to the toilet, then i’m going to buy one, finish it all up in some quiet corner before going back to the family.
Problem solved.
James S
Diary entry 24/10/24
Ok i admit, i got stuck at the last few chapters of ‘Home’. I’m sorry. It’s not that i have not written anything, it’s just that no matter how many times i edit and rewrite certain scenes, it just won’t come out right. Perhaps it’s mental, a part of me don’t want certain characters to meet their end. I know it’s been a long wait, but please give me more time. I will sort this out one way or another.
I’m still writing and editing other works actively on top of my day job. Brain still choked full of ideas and i’m in the midst of penning it all out.
There is nothing much i could update in terms of the site. Everything is moving sideways, in simpler terms, you could say it’s just ‘passing days’
I have however, a massive headache from my day job and family.
Over the course of the past couple of months, we have accumulated bad debts of about 20k. We’ve tried many recourse, and it just doesn’t look like we will be getting it back. It may not be a big amount of big companies but sometimes, this amount is what makes or break small outfits like us. No point going into details, but my partner and i made it a point to make sure we pay all our sub-contractors despite our money woes.
There’s less than 10k in the company account, both of us are mentally prepared to not draw a salary for the next couple of months. We still owe suppliers money for building materials, however those come with longer payment terms. Not a large amount, but still a concern to deal with. Also got into some disagreement with my partner, which i can only admit anonymously on this site. It’s my fault.
I rejected jobs which i thought was too troublesome without thinking it through carefully. It’s spilled milk, but on hindsight, i should have thought about just keeping things moving instead of whether we stand to make a decent profit. Sometimes it’s just about getting the bills paid, and keeping the regular sub-cons lined up with a constant stream of work.
Enough about those, i don’t want to think about it now. What will be will be. Worse case scenario, we just have to tighten out belts this couple of months until the dust settles.
Recently there were some incidents at home, which made me reflect a lot about myself.
It was late at night, coming to 10pm. I barely stepped out of the shower when i heard a loud thud. Something fell, something broke. I ran out into the living room and i saw 1 standing in the kitchen. She was in shock, there’s a jar of peanut butter on the floor. The glass broke, and there were shards everywhere.
James : Don’t move…
1 : I’m sorry…
I took a few steps towards her and i felt the pain of shard eat into my left foot.
I stopped 2 from coming out of her room and began the painstaking work of cleaning up. The small bits of shards were everywhere. 1 was on the verge of tears and she kept apologising. She could tell i was upset, i had a long day, it was a shitty one too. I’m exhausted, and just after my shower, i was down on my knees cleaning up the mess.
She must have said sorry a dozen times before i finally reacted and told her to stay aside while i clean up. 1 insisted on helping.
It’s easy to say what should have been done. Presented with such a scenario, i knew what i would say to someone else too. Comfort the child, tell her it was an accident, as long as she is not hurt, it’s fine. Just be more careful next time. Tell her about the dangers of glass shards and whatever the fuck google or chatgpt can come up with when it comes to parenting in this day and age. The thing is, can you really do that when you are also trying to manage your own mental and emotional state?
It took almost 45 minutes before i was satisfied with the kitchen and living room, and even when everyone’s gone into their room, i made the robot vaccum go to work just in case we missed out some.
Just before i go to bed, 1 came into the room and said she felt some pain in her left toe.
I turned on the lights and in the master bathroom, we discovered a small piece of glass shard inside her toe. It’s really small, sharp enough to puncture skin and draw blood, but big enough to remove using your fingernails. I wanted to pull it out for her but she could see i was struggling to see it properly.
1 : It’s ok papa…i can do it on my own.
I watched in disbelief as 1 gripped it, pulled it out of her toe and a pin prick of blood oozed out. She didn’t cry, she took some toilet paper and dabbed it to stop the blood. Then she hugged me and apologised again. I felt like crying though.
I told her it’s ok, and she needs to be more careful the next time. After i send her to bed, i got angry. The anger was directed at myself. I felt like shit.
It’s a fucking accident, and i had to behave as if the whole world was conspiring against me, just because i had a fucking bad day.
God, sometimes i think i’m losing my mind.
Losing my mind helps when i’m writing erotica or some sick thrillers, but not when i need to deal with the mundane tasks of real life and the challenges of being a parent.
My wife was damm cool about it.
Wife : It was an accident…you always think too much…
Period.
Am i really thinking too much though?
1 longed for the comfort and understanding of her father, and i could not deliver it when she needed them the most.
Then there is the incident with 2.
When she starts coming home with suspicious trinkets and stationaries, we suspect she has been going to the bookshop. Something we forbade her to do unless necessary. As if spending money on rubbish was not bad enough, she stole money to do it. She stole from herself that is. When it rain, it fucking pours in this house.
I discovered that her money diary, had close to 150 dollars missing. And when i checked her coin purse, guess what? She had a 100 fucking dollars in there. 1 × 50 bill, 4 × 10, 2 × 2, and the coins.
I fucking exploded. I’m not done, as if this was not bad enough, she still tried to lie about it. It was bad.
Bad because she assured us she did not go to the bookshop, all the trinkets and toys she brings home were given to her by her friends. Then for the money in her wallet, she said her friend gave her $50.
Holy shit, do you have friends who will give you $50 just like this?
My best of friends will not think twice to buy me a beer or a meal when we meet, but i have never come across a ‘ Hello James, how are you, here’s $50 for you bro…you are my best friend ah. Enough? Not enough? Here, take another $50 ‘
I was just dumbfounded.
Reflecting on this, it’s partly our fault too. We trust her too much. We gave her the benefit of the doubt too many times, for too long. We thought we could trust her to manage her own money, but it seems we misplaced that trust.
I should have kept an eye more on her but with 2 working parents, keeping an eye on every single aspect of your child’s life is challenging. 2 is good with her academics, she has raving reviews from her teachers about her character.
As a parent however, i see 2’s flaws as well as her gifts. One of her flaw is lying. She likes to lie about everyday stuff just to get our attention.
Again, i am aware where the fault lies on this.
We’re not giving her enough attention. We don’t have time for her. I wished i could play more with her, spend more time talking to her about her school, her friends, so that she will not have to say something shocking in order to get our attention.
This…is parenting.
It’s not the glitz and glam you see on social media. Behind every happy family picture you see online, is a
world of chaos and struggles. And it’s in those small moments of chaos where realisations are made, where bonds are tested and strengthened.
My wife and i are pretty glad we found out about this in time. Yes, 2 fucked up with money management, and it’s better for her to fuck it up when she’s 8 so she could learn a lesson about it.
I needed a cold beer after sorting things out with 2.
Could i manage my money when i was 8?
Fuck no.
I had 60 cents a day and i pissed it all away.
So why am i expecting 2 to know how to do it?
Is it because 1 could do it without much supervision?
Is it fair to expect that of 2 when every child is different?
I’m exhausted.
And if you are in the same boat as me, maybe you know exactly how i feel. Middle age, in the middle of the lake paddling, and the boat seemed to be heading nowhere. At the same time, there are multiple leaks on the boat you need to plug so everyone stays afloat.
I’m thankful i have the site, and the stories, the characters i created. It allows me to escape the prison of reality, even if it’s just for a moment.
I told myself I’m not going to ruin 1 and 2’s life with inadequate attention. Not during their formative years. Just like no matter how impossible it seemed, i still found time to write. I will figure a way, i always do.
James S
Diary update 4/11/24
Finally got chapter 23 sorted out and sent over to my editor. 24 will have some of the most climatic fights.
25 touches more on the aftermath.
23 blue skies
24 Storm clouds
25 New normal
Feels a bit surreal to be honest.
For those who have yet to read ‘Home’, i suggest waiting a while longer. Let me finish up the last 2 chapters and you can read it in one go. Or even better, read all 4 books during the holidays.
If you’ve been following news about the state of F&B situation in Singapore, you will know it’s pretty grim. There are a few usual haunts i rely on for my gig deliveries and there is a sharp drop in the orders they put out. Some days, i will be working at home and leaving the app on, i know once it hits lunch time, there will be orders but i have gone through almost a week with zero hits. Maybe i’m too slow with my fingers, or the order drops when i happen to be away in the toilet or making my coffee. The overall landscape for on demand delivery is changing from my perspective. There are still jobs, but not in the neighbourhood i’m active in. Doesn’t make sense for me to go out of the way to town either. I did a total of only 3 deliveries last week, this was what i usually do in a day over lunch back in the good old days.
To be fair, i had a few work meetings to head to during the lunch hours i usually pick up some orders but you can just feel it. People are cutting back on their spending.
Am working on a new Sister-in-law piece, that genre has always been a hot favourite. Planned to be a 3 episode (LL) work, it has now been expanded to about 5 chapters. 2 chapters has already been sent to my editor. The other 3 should be completed by end of November or early December.
A few diary updates ago, i shared about having a meal while watching TV with the family. Seems like it somehow got stuck and now it’s one of the kids favourite weekend activity.
We usually eat out for Saturday dinners, and weekend eating out usually meant at least a foodcourt, cafe or some mid range restaurant. For the few weekends, we da-baoed from hawker and coffee shops and had dinner in our ‘home restaurant’ as the kids like to call it. haha
Come end of the month when i did the sums and accounts for family expenses, there is a drop of about 250-ish from credit card bill. That will go towards our family kitty for holidays. We still eat out on special occasions, birthdays, anniversary and recently, 1 did rather well for her end of year exams.
FYI, i consider anything above 75 to be rather well, she got between 76 to 80 for all subjects. I’m happy. 1 also told me she has friends who got 99 for math and was scolded by her mother.
‘Math, should all be 100, if not, it’s just careless mistake’ Those were the exact words she related.
Maybe i’m just not in the same league in terms of parenting. For me, above 75 is already good, if can get 85 and above, i think should pop champange already. haha.
Promised her a treat to have whatever she wanted. 1 wanted pasta. Told her let’s go to a place Mummy and i used to go when we dated. Prego, at City hall. She said the best pasta is the one i cooked, and 2nd best she had is from Saizeriya. MUAHHAHAHAHAAH. I immediately said ok, she can order anything from the menu. Wife was not amused, she gave me that look as if i just cheated. 1 had her pasta, ordered herself a lava cake, and some other central kitchen prepared junk food to share. With their pasta portions, my wife and i need not order anything, there’s bound to be leftover from the kids. The bill was only 40 ish. Probably the price of 1 pasta serving at Prego today, it’s been more than 10 years since i went back there i think.
This brings me to the depressing state of F&B operators in Singapore. It’s really hard and challenging for most of the small players. Manpower issues, rising cost, drop in spending, it’s like getting wacked left right at the same time. A few eateries and cafe we used to visit just closed shop this year.
Had a talk with my wife about this over beer and nuts one evening when the kids are sleeping. I told her we should adjust the family’s spending habits to try and support smaller establishments. She agrees but it’s easier said than done. Unless we planned far ahead what to eat, and specifically head to that location, if not, most of the time we just head to where ever it’s convenient. And big players and brands have already captured that convenience by being strategically positioned in major malls.
In the end, we decided to try and plan our Friday eat out day henceforth to non-big F&B groups. Saturday dinner has already been switched to da-bao dinner in front of TV from coffee shops and hawker, we intend to keep that. For Sundays, since we are eating with my parents, we will just go with the flow and see which one they prefer. Not that this will make much of a difference to operator’s bottomline, but i just hated the idea of walking into a mall and seeing the same old signboards from eateries. I have nothing against them, some have very decent and nice food with attractive pricing, but we need to support smaller operators more to give them a fighting chance.
Back on the writing front, no big news to update. I’m just going to continue working on my stories. I plotted a graph on the site’s takings, tracking every month’s revenue. i try to be scientific about the whole thing. The graph is heading down a gradual slope since June. Hopefully it will pick up come end of the year. Day job wise, well, it’s a sucky period, i just have to suck it up and live with the decisions i made and learn from it.
Will update the diary soon when i have more to share.
James S
Diary update 30/11/24
The school holidays are here and if you are a parent like me, it’s the beginning of chaos and messed up schedule.
I guess if your kids are old enough, perhaps say in secondary school, school holidays would not affect you that much. They’re old enough to take care of themselves. For me, it’s a matter to trying to make sure my meetings and work don’t clash with meal times, because i need to either cook something for the kids, or buy something for them on my way back.
Breakfast is easily settled at home, bread, cereal and what not. Lunch and dinner is a bit tricky. The things i cook for myself for lunch isn’t exactly suitable for them. Sometimes i baked 3 eggplant, sometimes it’s chicken breast, if i’m feeling like a king, i may roast a whole chicken. The small 8-900 gm frozen kind.
Kids don’t eat this kind of stuff, they want staples. Rice, noodles and all, so school holidays is about making plenty of adjustments.
The family just came back from a holiday. I think it’s one of the rare occasion where we flew twice in a year. Having been to Japan in June, we pretty much exhausted the travel kitty. Road trips into Malaysia is fine, but there’s definitely no budget for another long trip. However, my wife wanted to go somewhere because base on our ‘long term master plan’, we have no plans to fly for the next 2 years. At least until 1 finishes her PSLE. Perhaps the occasional staycation or a trip across the causeway to relax and that’s it.
While talking over this in August, i told her right off the bat that we cannot afford it. By ‘we’, i’m referring to the common account, where all family expenses and budgeting are done.
I thought the discussion was over then but one thing led to another. She did the research, found something she liked and the next thing i knew, we were planning for a trip to Turkiye.
Wife : i’ll pay for everything. Don’t worry.
James : eat shit and die la…
To which she replied with a kick to my backside.
The bank shares i bought during Covid are sitting on a nice paper profit. I was thinking of which one to let go when my parents caught wind of the trip we were considering from the kids. They expressed interest and i let go of all of my DBS shares. I told my wife out right that if i’m not paying my share, i’m not going.
She replied that if i don’t allow her to pay for me, she’s not having sex with me. She knew my finances aren’t exactly rosy.
After a bit of bargaining, i relented, purely because of the sex part mind you. In the end, i paid only 2000 for the family trip, and also my parent’s share.
My parents, who are still working, insists on paying their own share which i rejected. After a bit of negotiation, they want to pay a portion of it and i took 500 each from them. A sum i probably will dump back into a red packet and give them over CNY.
With the finances for the trip sorted out, it’s just a matter of enjoying ourselves and exploring a new place. Both 1 and 2 are excited, so was i. Never been to Turkiye before, honestly, before the trip, i can’t even point the country out on a map.
On the flight, i sat with my parents and i was fussing over them. Seat belts, putting their bags properly, teaching them about the in flight system. It felt like i was always busy. While helping my parents choose their meals, i realised both 1 and 2 are staring at me.
And in that moment, something struck me. A realisation that i was no longer fussing that much over them. They can handle themselves now. We made eye contact across the aisle and they just raised up their utensils, headphones on, cartoon streaming on screen, as if to tell me they are fine, and i should return to helping my parents.
When i finally settled down to eat, i just stared at the graphic of the plane flying over the sea and i realised something. My kids are growing up, and they are growing up fast. I still remember the times when they could not even put on and remove the seat belts on their own. 1 is now asking for tea with milk and cookies from the flight attendants, while the way 2 looks at my wife down glasses of wine has me worried. Especially when she starts asking if she could smell the drink and if she could try.
I won’t go into details for the trip, will save it for a story. Yes, the Japan trip gave me the inspiration for the debt repayment piece, and this latest trip gave me ideas to work on something else.
It won’t be as long, preliminary draft puts it at about 4-5 parts, but it will be equally exciting.
Traveling with family is exhausting, not going to sugar coat this but it’s worth it. The memories we’re making, seeing each other laugh and enjoying each other’s company, trying new food.
Nothing comes close to seeing the kids light up with excitement, holding your partner’s hand, and watching your parents smile as they experience new things with you.
My folks are getting on in age, they can’t walk as fast or as far. Some parts of the trip which requires more walking are a bit tedious for them. Time flies, it really does. To put it in a brutal and straight manner, i don’t know how many more trips i can bring my parents on. It’s not about the finances, money, i can always earn more, but time? No amount of money can buy you more of it when your time is up.
Back to the writing front, i’m trying to catch up on the lost time during my break.
I’m feeling refreshed, my mind is clear and i’m ready to work on some new projects. The time away from the daily grind always seems to rejuvenate my creativity and give me fresh perspectives on life.
I think i will have 1, or 2 more diary updates before wrapping up 2024.
Xmas is coming in less than a month. End of the year also means lesser emails, lesser work for most. Not exactly good for me but hey, the delivery gigs are starting to pick up already. There’s always a silver lining in everything. Clocked about $80 worth of pickup yesterday, and it’s all around the neighbourhood. Half of it is sending medicine to people, seems like a lot of people falling sick.
So take care all, will update the diary soon.
James S
Diary entry 25/12/24
This will be the final diary entry for 2024. Wrapping up
I wanted to update the diary earlier because i have quite a bit of interesting nuggets of stuff to share but i held back knowing there will likely be more.
First, on the writing front. I’m still trying to wrap up the last 2 chapters of ‘Home’. I’m really sorry for the delay, it’s affecting me terribly too. It feels like i’m caught between a rock and a hard place on how to smooth out the flow and give certain characters a finish they deserve. I’m trying my best to wrap them up, please be patient for a little while longer.
Have finished ‘My cannot make it brother in law’ and they are all with my editor now. It’s a 6 episode series, pretty sinister and sick given how far James went just to have his sister in law. Ep 1 is free to read, the other 5 chapters will be released weekly.
Another (LL) series i’m working on is inspired by my recent holiday to Turkiye. An incident really happened during a couple turkish bath session the wife and i went to. And it just sparked off a series of scenes which i think many readers will like. Title of that series will be ‘Escape from Turkiye’. I expect to be able to start sending my editor individual chapters in the coming weeks.
As for standalone titles, there are still several in the pipelines i’m working on. Cousins, sister in laws, wife sharing, forced breeding, and a couple of tuition teacher based plotlines. Previews for these will be released soon in the coming weeks.
Ever since i started to generate a side income from writing, i made it a point to contribute regularly to various causes which i support. I usually do so in June and December. I’ll have to push back this month’s planned contribution to Jan next year due a variety of factors. Site takings has dropped and it’s coming in about 15% lesser than 2023 as a whole. The amount for causes are set aside monthly when i do my sums base on a pre-determined percentage. I was hoping to do it in early Dec but looks like i have to push it to next month.
That’s pretty much it for the site and writing front.
Day job wise, it’s quiet. It’s the holiday season, i met up with some prospective clients, they are still considering. My partner managed to get another rush job which needed to be done before CNY. Mostly carpentry stuff, no wet works. I don’t expect to get any significant work till after CNY for my day job. Will dedicate more time to my writing during this period.
Since i’m not drawing an income from my day job for the next couple of months, i’ve leaned heavily on the delivery on demand app. Year end festive periods are always a boom, plenty of deliveries around the neighbourhood. I made 72 for 5 deliveries on xmas eve.
Yes i know, i should probably be with the family and all but i did these all in the morning when my wife is still in the office. The kids, i made sure they had something to eat and told them i needed to pop out for a few hours.
Taken on it’s own, $72 for 5 deliveries sounds good but i haven told you how long i took to do these and the shit i had to go through due to pure bad luck. haha.
For 1st 2 deliveries from the same eatery, i was hoping to get it done and sorted out within 45 minutes. Drop off locations are like 10 minutes away from each other, but i ended up waiting for 45 minutes for the food to be ready. There’s nothing i can do. Staff were stressed out, boss is shouting and throwing ‘F’ word at his staff. I just sat at the side and waited. I arrived at the restaurant at 10am for a 10.20am pick up. I collected the order at 11am and i’m suppose to drop off the food at 11am. haha. WTF?
Lucky for me, the customers were cool, they just accepted the delivery, and i ended the trip. How long did i take to make the $14 per delivery for that 2 orders? I left home at 9.50, and i got home at 11.50.
My kids were watching Netflix and munching titbits when i got home.
1 asked me how was the delivery.
James : Waited very long for the order, staff were getting scolded.
2 : Did you get scolded?
James : no…
2 : He wouldn’t dare…wait you Muay Thai kick him hahah.
I smiled.
I traded 2 hours, mileage and fuel with the car and time with my kids for $28. I don’t know what to feel about that, there’s nothing wrong with a side hustle. Many are doing more for much less. Some are doing deliveries on bicycle and on foot. It still left a bitter taste in my mouth. Do i desperately needed that $28? Not exactly, i want to do it for the buffer, i guess it stems from the insecurity of not doing well enough on my day job.
After the wife comes back from her half day in office, i took a few more orders and ended the day with $72. Total about 5 hours of work.
This is only for the festive season, usually in 4-5 hours. i can get about 40 ish. I have to put in at least 2 × 3 hours sessions if i want to get beyond 60.
Like the screenshot below.
For the day above, something rather interesting happened. It really plays with the thing where different perspectives comes into play.
One of my pick up was at Dempsey in the middle of a work day. Since i dropped something off at Tanglin, i just swung over for the pick up. I was 20 minutes early, but it’s free parking, i parked went over the cafe and informed the staff.
Order was not ready, he asked me to take a seat.
Staff : Bro you need a drink?
James: No need it’s ok…thank you.
I sat down outdoors and a minute later, the staff came to me with a coaster and a glass of ice cold water with ice cubes clinking.
James : Oh, thank you, thank you.
Staff : weather so hot…order almost ready. A while more.
James : Thank you…
I have water in the car, but at 3pm, in Singapore’s heat, who would say no to a glass of ice water?
I took a sip, sat back on the chair of the alfresco cafe and just people watched for a few minutes. I saw a few girls walking towards me, we made eye contact. Then 2 guys, part of the same group came running to catch up, they looked at me as well.
They look like tertiary students, probably early 20s. From their perspectives, they are probably thinking ;
‘ what the fuck man, in the middle of the day, this man no need work, sit at Dempsey cafe enjoy drink look at girls. Next time i also want that’
Hahaha.
A car parked right in front of me and a couple came out. The outdoor area was empty, i was the only person sitting there enjoying the warm breeze with my ice water. I don’t know why, but they both looked at me for a couple of seconds.
Maybe it’s the way i sit with one leg up, one arm on the empty chair. They are probably thinking the same thing. ‘ This man damm free. Middle of the day sit there do nothing’
It’s probably all my imagination but i enjoy doing things like these to keep my mind occupied. Not everything is what it seems on the surface.
You think i’m enjoying a drink in Dempsey? I’m actually waiting to deliver something. The order came out early and the staff reminded me that customer requested for delivery only after 4.30pm.
Staff : not too early.
James : I’ll sit for another 5-10 minutes then i’ll go. Just nice.
Staff :ok thanks bro…
Just when i thought i can pretend to be some rich Ah Sia kia with grandpa’s inheritance to spend, the staff came towards me a few minutes later. He looked very embarrassed and whispered softly to me.
Staff : sorry bro, my manager is asking why order ready, and you are still sitting here.
I smile and got the message. I thanked him for the drink and left with the order.
I waited in my car for a while longer before heading over to the customer’s place and ended the trip.
This happened a couple of weeks back, and it just kept playing in my head whenever i had idle time. Makes you wonder how much of what you ‘see’ is real. Social media, walking along town, seeing people with branded bags and clothes and what not. Seeing someone shaking leg in the middle of the day in a cafe. The grass is always greener on the other side.
We often desire more without recognising that we already possess more than what a lot of others strive for.
It’s hard to find a suitable life partner, it’s not easy to handle kids. Friends around my age, some started on long term medication, some just went for surgery, several are in the middle of a messy divorce. One had to have an entire knee replaced.
Me? I had a bad bout of flu last week.
That’s also one of the reason why there isn’t any xmas party for the family. I could have hosted a small dinner, but being sick, i had no mood nor the energy to prepare anything.
So what did the family have for our xmas eve dinner?
These.
hahahah
We were at the supermarket and discussing what to do for dinner. 1 suggested pizza since we’re standing beside the frozen section. We all agreed.
2 wanted to eat in front of the TV, something we do about twice a month. I suggested something else. We finish the pizza first, then shift the coffee table away, bring out the mattress and build a pillow fort.
Then we switch off the lights, turn on the air con and watch some scary show.
They were practically screaming and jumping with excitement.
We got the pizza from NTUC, i heated them up in the oven and we ate them without any decorations on the dining table.
I built the pillow fort with the kids help and we spent the evening sitting on the mattress, with the sofa as our backrest. We shared a large blanket and watched a movie on netflix. Halfway through, we made some ‘upgrades’ and brought in stools to be used as ‘snack tables’
Beer, nuts, crackers and snacks. It’s a quiet xmas for us, but i know the family enjoyed it. They enjoyed it because we’re all together. That’s all that matters.
1 and 2 are too old for xmas presents. They know Santa are actually parents. 2 used to ask if Santa need to sign in at the guardhouse, and if so, we can always find out who he is. 1 used to set out milk and cookies, i’ll eat and drink some to make her think Santa was really here. hahaha.
Now that they knew it’s not true, they just gave me the irritated look when i tease them about it.
On my social media feed, there are plenty of pictures and party feeds. Some of my friends really put in effort to whip up food for the whole family.
As the movie ended and the kids started to yawn, I saw a sense of contentment in their faces. Despite the simple dinner and lack of decorations, they seemed genuinely happy.
They went to bed and i thought the xmas would be perfect if my wife dresses up as santarina and have sex with me.
James : I want to have sex.
Wife : No.
James : Why not? It’s xmas…
Wife : Tsk…we just did it 2 days ago…
James : but it’s xmas. I want you to wear that Santarina costume…
Wife : You go and wear on your own.
James : If i wear it, will you have sex with me?
Wife : arnghhhhh! i want to sleep.
I pestered her long enough for her to agree to do it for me today.
On Christmas itself, after the kids are asleep.
Maybe at 12 midnight, when we cross over to boxing day.
Maybe i’ll be able to unwrap my present.
Alright, this is a long update, ending it with a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to all.
James S