25/1/24
First diary entry of the year.
2024 got off to a bumpy start for me. There are some hiccups and issues with work and this is followed by stuff breaking down at home. Most of it were sorted out, and i finally have time for a bit of breather this two days.
Everyone is talking about the price increases from food to entertainment, but what really hit home was my kids coming back from school and telling me the canteen increased prices. My daughter said she did not have enough to have her lunch after settling her recess and buying a piece of fruit. She came home without lunch and my wife is upset. Upset at me la.
‘Why you never check? why you never update and put more in the watch?” (She’s using that smart buddy thing where she taps for purchases and it’s linked to my phone app.)
At this point, my daughter jumped to my defense.
“Papa also don’t know what. He also never buy food from my canteen”
I grinned at my wife, enjoying the current lover Vs Previous life lover fight.
Anyway, that minor issue was quickly sorted out.
Something stupid happened recently. I have a tub of hair gel, and it comes with a inner white lid after you unscrew the cover. I was rushing out and got clumsy. The inner lid dropped and smeared a dollop of wet gel on the floor. I took a tissue and wiped up the mess, not knowing that i missed out a spot.
That spot where i gel my hair, happened to be in front of the full length mirror. And just the night before, wife and i were doing what adults do in front of that mirror. So in the evening, when the in laws came over for dinner, while helping to give the floor a quick wipe down, they saw the wet smear. I didn’t know about this until they left and my wife dragged me aside and strangled me.
My wife assumed i did not clean up properly the night before, and her parents had an awkward chat with her about it.
“She ask me to clean the floor properly! What if the kids saw it! They will ask so many questions!”
Aside from the wet smear, there is also a small triangular piece of foil which came off the side of a condom, so you put two and two together, it’s easy to jump to conclusion.
Now, to be clear, i was very sure the floor was clean after wife and i were done. The triangular foil was probably from another session because i know we have already finished that box. It probably got swept to a corner behind the curtains and we missed it all thee while. And i surprised myself with my reply. It was not meant to poke fun or anything, it just came out.
James : Cannot be la. did she smell it?
Wife : What the fuck!
James : No i don’t mean it that way! It’s hair gel. It’s scented. I dropped my gel lid. It’s so different, gel leh. She can’t tell the difference meh?
My wife, visibly upset by then, has no interest to listen to my explanation. Nor is she interested in smelling my hair gel. So i guess doing it in front of the mirror the next time is going to be challenging, she will probably made me put a towel on the floor.
Back to the writing front, webstore sales has dropped significantly since i stopped paying for advertising rights on SBF forum. That’s to be expected, especially without the constant exposure in a high traffic site. I’m putting most of my energy and time on ‘Home’. It’s getting longer each time i edit the chapters, and i don’t want to cut short the length of exposure each character gets. I seek your understanding as you wait for the chapter releases. It’s not easy to write and edit, especially not when characters meet their end.
There are a few emotional scenes too which i had to break it up into parts for each edit.
Won’t go on too much about it, i’ll let you read it when it’s out.
12 chapters released so far for subscribers, with another 2 coming next week.
I hope you are enjoying the read so far.
Going to keep this entry short, it’s time to get back to writing.
Will update the diary again before CNY.
James S
Diary entry 4/2/24
Parenting is one of the hardest things I have to do, sometimes I look at other parents out there and wonder how they do it. Does everyone figure it out as they go along, deal with each day as they come?
Although I love my children, there are times when I feel disconnected from them, either due to my own intentional behavior or unintentionally.
I wanted to have 3 kids, but financials and energy made us decide to stop at 2. Sometimes when i see families with 3 or 4, i feel like saluting them. It’s not easy, but when i look at the kids play, and how the older siblings will help to take care of the younger ones, it gives me a fuzzy feeling in my heart. It’s a lot of work when they are young, but i can picture them all grown up, young adults in their own right around the table. What a warm, cozy picture it would make during reunion dinners and xmas eves.
My kids are bickering and fighting all the time over silly things. On the rare occasions where they get along and play together, i almost feel i will strike the reunion Toto. I tried my best to be fair, to give them equal attention, i devoured self help parenting videos from people pretending to be experts on the internet and applied those that made sense to me. It didn’t seem to work.
As Number 1 grows up, she’s getting more particular about her stuff and belongings. She hates it when anyone touches them, especially so when my in laws or wife tried to rearrange them. She will throw a fit, but it was never the case for me. No one can borrow her stuff except me, something which i find is ridiculous. She wants me to pick her up after every tuition class, and if someone other than me did, she will lose her temper. It’s a big headache, i tried talking to her, i hit a stone wall. Tried scolding her, it made things worse.
Confided in my friends, they brushed it off, saying that i’m already having it lucky. She pays attention in class, does her homework, learns her own spelling and 听写, what more do i want? Their kids gets single digit for exams, boys get into scuffle in school, girls addicted to phone and blackpink, one caught his 13 year old vaping, and they belittled my problem of finding it hard to communicate with my daughter.
Another friend told me his boy was bullied in school and has never been invited to a single birthday party from P1 to P5.
Surprisingly, one of my friend with no kids gave me the advice which i think made the most sense.
B : Bro, they’re kids, give them space, and just be there for them. They will figure it out eventually. At their age, the prefrontal cortex of their brain is still developing. It is constantly being taken apart and reorganized like a jigsaw puzzle, creating a better functioning brain. This is all part of the natural process of growing up.
James : You lan jiao la, Simi prefrontal cortex, you copy from where one.
B laughed.
B never finished secondary school, but he’s those street smart kid that i think will score well if he put in a little effort. He went to help out at his father’s drinks stall in a industrial park after dropping school. He grew that drink stall into 3 coffee shops, all located within industrial parks and estate.
B is the kind of boss which looks like a boss. You know, the smiling man, a bit chubby, gold chain around his wrist and sitting at the best table in the coffee shop with a bottle of beer and a bucket of ice while he fiddled with his phone and a stack of invoices.
He admitted it was coffee shop talk that he overheard but he said it made sense when he googled it. B and i meet up only about 3-4 times a year, but our conversations pick up as if we just saw each other the day before. He’s seen my kids a couple of times, once during CNY period when we went to his coffee shop for a meal. He gave them $200 hongbao each. I didn’t know that until the 15th day of CNY when my kids opened it.
I asked him did he give it by mistake but he said it’s not a mistake.
B : Aiyah, ok la. Heng heng…give the kids buy stationary.
That was the first and last time i brought my kids over to his coffee shop during CNY period. I don’t even give my kids 200 for their red packet.
B and his wife L, are like the 90s Ah Beng and Ah lian that kept their character as they age. They loved kids, but health issues made it impossible for them to have any. For a multi-millionaire staying in a 5 room HDB in Bedok, driving a beat up COE Honda, his expenditure are pretty low. The only thing he splurges on are holidays.
B : Life is fair one la brother. you take a step back, every problem also become small problem.
He waved his tattooed arm around the table, gesturing to the coffee shop.
B : If life give you 3 kopitiam, exchange your 2 kids, you want or not?
James: Siao ah…
He did that signature Ah beng move, palms up at shoulder height, jerking them in tandem with his head while raising his eyebrow. Then he popped a Marlboro into his lips and lit it up with a windproof lighter.
B : Then? Give them space la, just be there for them can already.
When i told my wife about the ‘ah beng wisdom’ of what B said and i felt it made sense, the first thing she asked was if i smoked with B. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to smell my breath.
Thankfully i resisted the urge to light up.
While i struggle to deal with number 1 that is growing up so fast, i also need to deal with number 2, who surprises me all the time with this things she say.
2 came over out of the blue one evening and these are the exact words she said.
2 : Papa. if i reduce my pocket money by 50 cent, can you don’t go and send things to people?
It came out of the blue and i just froze and look at her. It took me a few seconds to react and the first thing i did was to hug her.
James : Is everything ok? why did you suddenly say that?
2 : because i want you to play with me.
I dropped everything i was doing that evening and played with her, setting up a cash register and pretending we run a grocery stall. It’s a childish game but one that caught my number 1’s attention. She said it’s childish, but she joined in and we spent an hour pretending we run a family shop dealing with crazy customers.
While packing up the toys after play, i asked 2 if she is unhappy that i’m sending food and parcels to people? I asked is it because her friends said something about it? Is she embarrassed? I tried to explain to her it’s decent work, and it’s a service others are paying for.
2 shook her head and said she just wish i could play with her more often. 2 doesn’t like it that i sometimes just disappear from the house at 8pm only to come back an hour later when it’s close to her bedtime.
The fault is entirely mine, i could not resist taking up the order to deliver food a few streets away for a quick buck. I’m not hard up for every dollar, but i’m hustling towards a dream i’m chasing. A dream where i cannot imagine how to even begin to explain to them.
How to tell my kids i want to write for a living with the bulk of my work being erotic in nature?
My day job takes care of family commitments and expenses but i’m left with zero savings at the end of the month. Sometimes i dip into my savings too. The side gigs of doing freelance deliveries made up that shortfall, it also allows me to put aside a couple of hundreds for emergency. To me, i feel there’s nothing wrong with hustling while i still can, but it comes with a price.
That price is time with my family.
Site takings would have made things more comfortable but those go into a separate stash which gets invested in bonds and t-bills. They are going to be my life raft when i try to make writing my day job. It’s tough juggling everything, i know it’s going to be tough, but i also know i have to keep at it.
I’ve decided to limit the amount of deliveries I make and try to do them during school hours whenever I can. My children are only young once, and I want to make the most of the time I have with them.
On this lovely Sunday morning, I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.
Kids are still sleeping, i’m going to go get a bit of writing done for ‘Home’ before resuming spring cleaning for CNY.
James S
Diary entry 12/2/24
Today is the 3rd day of CNY. After 2 full days of rushing about to visit relatives, i could take things a bit easier today. Set my alarm at 7am for a run to burn off the junk i’ve stuffed myself with the past few days but it’s CNY. hahah. I hit the snooze button and ended up waking at 8am.
Made myself a coffee and opened up the laptop for a bit of writing. The family is still sleeping and i’m at the dining table. Aside from some traffic noise from the street, the house is nice and quiet. Decided to pen down some thoughts.
There are relatives we visit once a year and i could see how much everyone has aged. Uncles and aunties that used to be so energetic and could whip up a feast have ‘downgraded’ their preparations.
Even with the assistance of their grown children, it doesn’t compare to my memories of when I was much younger.
Meeting cousins that i meet only once or twice a year, we laugh at those who put on weight and ballooned, and we also are amazed at those that went through a through transformation, shedding 10-20kg over the course of a year. Nothing beats watching all the kids go wild, running around and playing with their cousins that they meet only a few times a year.
They’re all at the age where they don’t need to knew each other well to click instantly. That’s the best part about being kids. It’s like there’s a switch. A quick snap of the finger and suddenly they are playing like best friends and laughing together. In a few years when they all enter their teens, i bet they will be all on their phones.
I’ll roam about the gathering at my cousin’s place after the lion dance performance, talking to different people. Uncles, Aunties, Cousins, their partners. Those with kids in primary school, we’ll complain about school work, the MOE syllabus, CCA and all manners of funny stuff you encounter as a parent. Moving on to cousins who are still struggling with their newborn or toddler who just started walking, i’ll tell them how much i miss those days.
And they will give me that ‘ you got to be fucking kidding me’ look. Their faces had the same expression, summarised by the word ‘ exhaustion’. They say they envy me, that my kids are all grown up, and i’ll say the same thing to them. I envy them because they could still cuddle their kids in their arms.
The extended family used to gather, gamble, play mahjong, blackjack and in-between way into the night, ending only at 2-3am the next day. However as everyone get older, it ends earlier over the years. I tried to stay as long as i could, but by 11.30pm, i was in a zombified state while my kids are still screaming and running up and down the stairs. We left at 12am and the kids knocked out the moment they climbed into the car, exhausted but utterly satisfied with the evening.
By the time we got home at 12.40am on the 2nd day of CNY, kids hit the sack without showering, and my wife felt like slapping me when i asked if she wanted to have sex. No, she didn’t slap me, and i didn’t get to start the new year with a bang.
We’re up and out of the house by 9am on the 2nd day and ended a bit earlier, reaching home at 11pm.
With just 2 more locations to go today, we had no intention of leaving home before noon.
I look forward to CNY, and i hate it when it passes. I hate it more when i could no longer get the same kind of satisfaction and joy i experienced as a kid growing up, but this is all part of growing old i guess.
I want to end the diary update with some heart warming experience i encounter the week before while hitting the delivery spikes. Since i wrapped up my day job by Monday afternoon, i’ve been alternating between spring cleaning, writing , and trying to clock some additional gigs sending cookies and food around the neighbourhood.
Usually it’s just a pick up, drop off and go kind of thing, pretty boring but i encountered a few which i think is worth penning down.
I was delivering chicken rice to an office building in Jurong. All 16 packets of it split among 2 carriers. I reached the entrance and hit the bell, receptionist opened the door and usually i end my job there by passing it over. However, that lady had other ideas.
The Indian receptionist had a permanent scowl on her face. She had this stern gaze, and her lips were pressed tightly together, giving off an air of disapproval like how your teacher back in school will stare at you when you forgot your homework.
Lady : Come in! Here! Follow me!
She spoke like some RSM commanding troops at the parade square and while i went ‘WTF’ in my head, i just followed her deeper into the office.
I walked past rows of staff on their computers, some saw that lunch has arrived and nudged their colleagues. Some were openly chatting, already in the CNY mood. Everyone is well dressed, and seeing the setup reminded me of the times when i’m one of those staff , seated at the end of the row with my team mates.
Lady : Here! inside!
James : ok…
She directed me to the pantry and i was about to set the food on the table when she snapped at me again.
Lady : NO! not there! here!
She directed me to put the food into a large drawer at about my waist level.
Lady : Put here, inside. put properly, beside the utensils. yes here.
Lady : Got pack chilli? I asked for soup, got packed soup? black sauce have?
James : ermmm…i think so..it’s all packed in there.
I said, gesturing to the transparent bag.
In my head, i was already thinking to myself that i better get out of there quickly before she make things difficult.
I shut the drawer and i was about to leave when she stopped me.
Lady : wait!
I immediately did a ‘ oh no ‘ in my head as i kept up a smile and asked if there’s anything else. I can only describe her body language as very aggressive, like someone about to hit you. In my head, i was already picturing myself blocking a kick from her, parrying another before having my arms up to protect my head and face.
I had half my foot out of the pantry by then and she snapped at me again to go back towards her by the fridge.
Lady : wait! don’t go first!
Then she surprised me by opening the fridge and giving me a can of 100plus.
Lady : Weather so hot! drink!
Before i could digest the shock, she grabbed another bottle of water from the fridge and pile both into my hands.
Lady : You better drink! so hot!
James : oh…ermm..thank you, thank you.
As she walked me to the door, i start to wonder if i looked dehydrated or anything. She’s still very aggressive right up to the point i left the office.
Lady : remember to drink up! there, press the button by the side to release the lock! yes that one!
James : ok…
Just before the glass door snap shut to end the delivery, she snapped at me again, directly into the lift lobby.
Lady : drink ah!
I held up both drink and nodded.
In the lift down to the car, i began to wonder what the fuck just happened. It’s the first time something like this happened to me. I don’t know what to make of it.
Her rudeness permeates every aspect of her being, from the sharpness of her words to the way she carries herself. Yet, at the end of the day, she does something that catches me off guard. A small but kind gesture: offering me a drink and reminding me to stay hydrated. It may seem insignificant, but it means a lot.
I felt a tinge of guilt, wondering if i were too quick to judge her upon first impression.
Another interesting delivery was sending live lobsters. First time for everything i guess haha. I was given a thermal bag and the staff showed me the 2 moving lobsters with 2 cans of caviar inside.
Staff : Some of the things the customer ordered no stock, i already informed her. You deliver directly right? No detours. It’s live lobsters.
James : Woah…yup i’m headed there direct.
It felt weird having live lobsters on the passenger seat beside me. I could hear them moving about as i made my way to a large bungalow in the Holland vicinity.
I parked right at the gate and hit the bell. The gate opened, but only 1 side of it opened. There’s a long driveway heading upslope, and i considered for a second whether or not to drive up because i could not see the property from the driveway. Yeah, that’s how long that driveway is.
However, seeing only 1 side of the gate open, i gather the owner properly don’t want delivery guys to drive into their property so i started walking up the slope.
When the house came into view, i saw a lady walking down the slope towards me. She’s a bit well sized. ok, a bit round sorry for the lack of better description.
She saw me and she started jogging.
I saw that and i started jogging. She picked up speed and started running.
When i see her running towards the sloped driveway, i also started running. I don’t know why, i’m not sure if i’m worried about the customer having to run to me for a pick up, or i’m worried about her rolling down the slope and i had to save her.
We ran towards each other like characters in a romance drama by the beach.
Customer : no no no, it’s ok, don’t run.
James : I see you run, i also run.
Customer : hahaha…no la it’s ok. Sorry our driveway a bit long.
The lady reminded me of a fortune cat. she’s very jovial, always smiling and to be honest, i wasn’t expecting someone like that to pick the order up in a property of that size. It’s usually the helpers greeting me at the door and the owners don’t show their faces.
Customer : Next time drive up la, walk very siong leh.
Her words are delivered in the familiar manner of a Singaporean Auntie, and for some inexplicable reason, it feels intimate and comforting.
James : no la, paiseh la, it’s ok to walk a bit.
I handed the order over and she walked with me to the gate. She had to close it manually because the auto closer is spoilt.
Customer : no workers to repair for CNY period, have to do manual lor.
James : I close for you la, it’s ok.
She still walked me to the gate and shut it after i left.
Customer : happy new year ah!
James : same to you too!
I left the place to take my lunch and while doing so, i was still thinking about what just happened. It’s funny and honestly quite unexpected.
There is often a general dislike towards the wealthy, with the assumption that they are stuck-up and privileged. However, at the end of the day, many of them are simply fellow Singaporeans like us.
To wrap up this diary entry, i saved the best for last.
I was delivering a cake to an estate in Jurong West. The moment my car turned into the estate, i noticed two toddlers staring at me. Then when i tried to reverse into the loading unloading lot, they started running towards me from the multi purpose pavilion in the midst of all the HDB blocks.
I thought what happened, did i just roll over their toy or something. I came out of the car and when we made eye contact, they paused, and then they laughed before running away.
Before my brain could process what happened, i saw another car turning in. Same make, same model, same colour. The driver parked beside by car as i opened up the boot. This time, the toddlers got the right person.
I saw the driver come out, bluetooth headset in the ear and the kids just shouted
‘Papa, papa! papa! papa!’
‘got buy anything for us?’
‘why so late?’
‘we wait very long downstairs’
The man they were waiting is a private hire driver and he probably just ended his work day.
I could have taken my delivery and go but i just took my time. I stood there and just took in all that energy and warmth as the two kids slammed their faces and bodies against their father’s leg, shouting, jumping and waiting for their father to pick them up.
The kids did not give the man a chance to answer their questions and i could see that joy on their faces when their father picked them up and asked if they had been good that day.
Both of them wanted his attention and they were not shy about expressing it. I could almost feel the fatigue of a full day’s work just being washed away as he hugged and kissed his kids.
I wanted to just close my eyes and absorb that energy and warmth, but it felt like i was stealing a moment that should only belong to that father.
I took my delivery and shut the boot, making a brief eye contact with the man. He looks tired but that fatigue is nothing compared to the joy he held in his arms. A boy and a girl.
I gave him a brief smile and made my way towards the block i was to deliver the cake to. Turning back for one last look, i saw the man’s wife pushing 2 small scooters towards them from the pavilion. She looked like she is pregnant, she looks tired too but she also gave her husband a hug as they loaded the kid’s stuff into the boot of the vehicle.
Engaging in delivery work as a side gig transcends merely augmenting my income. It serves as an unique conduit for connecting with people across diverse backgrounds.
This allows me to partake in their varied experiences.
It also enriches my writing endeavors, providing a depth of perspective and insight that only such direct interactions can afford.
Alright, kids are waking up and i’m wrapping up this diary entry.
Will update again soon.
James S
Diary entry 25/3/24
I had a really close shave the other day. No i don’t mean shaving with my razor. I was writing and in the midst of completing a scene for one of the short stories when my wife suddenly appeared behind me.
Being too slow to minimise the window, she saw what i was doing. She saw i was writing something, and her eyes caught the screen long enough to catch a few key words. One of it being my ex-girlfriend’s name.
Wife : What was that? what were you writing?
James : Nothing.
Wife : What do you mean nothing? I saw her name. XXXXX . What were you writing about her?
My heart almost stopped beating as i fumbled for an excuse. However, the more i deny it, the more suspicious she became. In the end, i admitted i was writing and editing something for a blog as a freelance ghost writer. And the name she saw happened to be there.
She just stared at me with her arms folded for a few seconds before deciding to let me go.
After she left, i really thought i peed myself.
She has caught me minimizing the screen over the years, if it’s videos, she knows i’m probably streaming porn and she gives me the dirty irritated look. She’s caught me reading on Sammyboy before and it’s usually a hard tug of my ear before reminding me that reading too much of those things will rot my brain.
I think she will flip if she knew i wrote stuff on the forum.
The next couple of days, i tread lightly and carefully, thankfully, she didn’t bring it up again. However, i know the seed of doubt has been planted in her and there’s no telling when it will bloom.
I know it’s a matter of time before i need to come clean with her but i honestly don’t know how to do it. I thought of multiple approaches and strategies, at the top would be showing her the 4 book series for TBW after it’s completed. Then the multitude of non-erotica works i did. I played out different scenarios in my head like Dr Strange going through the variations in alternate universes. It always come to the same conclusion, she disagree with what i want to do.
Even the most mild version of her accepting the fact that i want to write for a living, would be to first delete every single erotica i have ever done.
I love working on a variety of genres, including thrillers, erotica, and romance. Giving up one of them to focus on something else feels like losing a part of myself. It’s like cutting off a limb or something equally significant.
Therefore I believe the best approach would be to maintain the facade of my day job while I focus on my writing when i can hit this full time.
18 chapters of book 4 has been released to subscribers, it’s taking longer than i expected to finish all the chapters. I apologise for this, some chapters are harder to write, especially when characters i have come to love leaves permanently.
The length has been extended to a total of 25 chapters, and base on current editing, i don’t think it will go beyond that. TBW is more than a novel, it’s like a child to me and a part of me hate to see it end. Perhaps that’s why i’m taking so long.
Will be pushing out more (LL) titles with better character development and depth this year. Don’t worry if you like fast paced action. There will still be a good balance and mix of them.
The 2nd half of March has been pretty crazy for me thus far. I’m struggling with my day job and coping with my writing targets.
On the personal wellness front, i’ve stopped running that often, limiting myself to 2 runs a week. A shorter distance of between 4-5km on weekdays, and a 8-10km on the weekends.
Check back again for more updates soon.
James S
Diary entry 15/4/24
Sometimes i like to listen in to my kids conversation. I’ll pretend to be busy with something, either on my phone, or on my laptop and just eavesdrop on their conversation.
The majority of the time, they are bickering and fighting. On the rare occasion that they actually get along and play together, I feel like it’s a rare stroke of luck, even though it never lasts.
Sometimes they will have serious discussions, and i’m really intrigued by what goes on in their head.
Just the other day, 2 was tell 1 that she is afraid of crocodiles. 1 laughs at her, before adding that it’s just a crocodile, there is nothing to be afraid of.
2 : What are you afraid of?
1 : I’m afraid of zombies.
2 : me too, also ghosts and spiders and ants and cuttlefish.
1 : You everything also afraid la
2 : No! you then everything also afraid. You scared of the dark, you afraid of dust, ants, daddy long legs, even worms.
1 : No! not true!
I knew that was the trigger and both of them started quarrelling over something seemingly insignificant. I just sipped my morning coffee, barely awake from my sleep as i stared at my laptop screen while i listened in.
Suddenly, i was dragged into the discussion by 2.
2 : Papa is not afraid of anything, i wish i can be like him.
1 : No. Papa is afraid of Mama.
2 : No! Papa is just pretending to be afraid of Mummy!
I continued sipping my coffee, wondering how that would end when 1 decides to ask me.
1 : Papa, what are you afraid of?
2 : Nothing! Papa is afraid of nothing!
Both of them came over to me, and they waited for my answer. Seeing that i was quiet, 2 started listing all the times when i had to either catch a cockroach, kill some ants, chase a lizard, and i even had to grab a centipede while wearing rubber gloves.
As the continued their squabble, i was suddenly conscious about how my kids see me as a person. Do they see me at this individual who is simply not afraid of anything?
Just because i took care of all the creepy crawlies at home?
2 : Papa walked in front of all of us that time when we went to the cinema! We cannot see anything!
1 would immediately counter with something else, she’s older, she knows more, and being the elder sibling, she refuses to back down from something like this even though it’s just downright silly.
2, being the younger one, always loses in her argument. I could feel her pressing her body against mine as her voice gets louder. She is on the verge of breaking down, and i could practically countdown to the eruption.
It finally happened. She screamed at 1, insisting that i’m not afraid of anything in the world. Then she started crying.
1, seeing that i was holding onto 2, took it as a sign that i sided with her and lost her temper too. Crying is infectious it seemed and she stormed off to her room.
My wife, finally emerged from the toilet after her morning dump and glared at me as if i’m the cause of the chaos early in the morning.
The expression on her face made it seem like she was blaming me for both her constipation and the kids crying.
I carried 2 and brought her into 1’s room. When both of them calmed down a little, i spent a moment composing my thoughts before telling them i’m afraid of a lot of things.
At the top of my mind, would be that both of them will not take care of each other when i’m gone. I don’t know if they understood what i meant because they just kept quiet.
James : Papa, mama will not be with you all forever. End of the day, when we are no longer around, it’s just the two of you. You get what i’m saying? You will have to take care of each other.
I’m afraid of a lot of things, in fact, my list of fears grew the day i became a father.
I’m afraid of the day they have their first relationship, i’m afraid of the day they stay out overnight for the first time. I fear for the day someone propose to them, and i don’t look forward to the day they will be moving out and starting a life of their own. How will they be able to afford their first flat? Will they even pass their PSLE? There’s just so many.
I’m afraid of how they will judge me when they are old enough to comprehend the shit i’ve written. I’m afraid of fucking up their lives with the stories i did. I’m worried that my wife will leave me if she realises i’ve penned like a shit load of wife sharing and non-consensual stories.
Perhaps all these would not have been an issue if we were in another country, perhaps one where everyone were more liberal about erotica. But i was born in Singapore, and we’re still conservative in many ways.
And the list goes on.
I’m afraid of going to sleep and not waking up the next morning. Who is to say that will never happen?
So what if i eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly and go to bed early? People pass on in their sleep all the time.
I explained myself to them as simply as i could, everyone has fear, just that not everyone choose to show them.
James : sometimes we don’t show it, sometimes we cannot show it. We simply have to face it.
I admitted to them that i’m actually afraid of cockroaches but knowing no one else in the house is going to deal with it, i simply have to face it.
James : I was also afraid of the dark, of ghosts, zombies, vampires, earth tunneling worms, flying heads. It’s normal to be afraid.
2 : Then why are you not afraid of them now?
James : Because when you grow older, you realised that humans… are actually scarier than ghost, zombies, vampires and what naught. hahhaha.
They didn’t get what i meant and i left it at that.
By the time i managed to pacify the kids, it was time for either a late breakfast or an early lunch.
We went to Ikea to check out some bedframes. 2 has been sleeping on a mattress on the floor and she asked if she could have a proper bed. She felt a bit embarrassed that all she had in her room is a mattress when her friends are coming over for a playdate at the end of the month. After Ikea, we tried Furniture mall and finally found something she liked. Nothing fancy, just a super single bedframe with a slide out bed at the bottom.
She was so happy and excited that she kept asking when it would be delivered.
Since IMM is just across the road, we decided to go over for dinner. 1 said she wants a new pair of running shoes, she has outgrown the old one. She’s at the stage where it’s either the largest size of kids range, or the smallest possible one for adult, so finding one with the right fit and the right design is not easy.
James : Budget is 100 max. You go and find something. You get to keep the balance as savings.
That’s what i usually do when they want to get something. Give them a budget, and make them save the rest. The less they spend, the more they can save. I’m thankful i managed to ‘brainwash’ them into saving money instead of spending them unnecessarily. They sort of get the difference between needs and wants.
After dinner, we hit a few shops and 1 finally saw something she liked. And perhaps she inherited the ‘cannot resist a good deal’ genes from me, she was so excited to see it parked under the ‘clearance’ section.
1 tried the shoes and she loved it, the size is a good fit too, however it’s the last pair. They don’t have a new one. She tried other designs which were not on clearance, those were priced at like $99. I am a Safra member, so there’s still like 10 or 15% off. It’s a decent brand, good support and cushioning, i’ve been a fervent supporter of the brand since army days.
In the end, she shortlisted 3, including the one she fell in love with at first sight. After some deliberation, she decided on the 1st one. Then comes the surprise.
Yes the price. I didn’t ask how much it was, it says clearance what, of course we expected a clearance price.
The staff scanned the price, tapped in a few buttons and it cost $150. After clearance discount.
When he said that figure, both my and 1’s eyes widened and we just looked at each other before turning back to the staff who explained that it cost more than $200 before discount.
James : Oh…erm…ok…let us think about it.
Turning back to 1, she immediately said;
1 : No no it’s ok. it’s too expensive. i don’t need it. i’ll choose something else.
I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she went back to the other 2 choices. Honestly, i think the 1st one is nicer too, and knowing her ‘taste’, choosing either one of the other 2 is a compromise.
I kept quiet and i wanted to see what she would do. I waited for her to make her decision and in the end, she decided not to get any.
1: it’s ok papa, i don’t think i want it la. Maybe we can go other shops and see.
In that moment, I saw a reflection of myself in 1. If i cannot have what i really want, i rather not compromise for something lesser if it’s not something i really need.
James : If you really liked that one, i can get it for you for your birthday.
She looked at the pair the staff was holding and asked innocently.
1 : Will it still be here if we come back on my birthday?
I laughed.
James : No la, i meant i’ll get it today, and it’s for your early birthday present.
At that moment, her face lit up in such a way that it reminded me why i chose to become a father. It reminded me of why i do the things i do. At the end of the day, no matter how shitty my day may be, seeing that smile on their faces was what mattered the most.
It was just 1 and me at that shop, my wife and 2 is at another. She text me that 2 also got a pair of shoes, it’s also on discount at $30.
I told 1 not to mention how much hers cost. It’s going to spark off something i don’t want to deal with.
When we met up again at the atrium, i saw 2 holding onto her pair of shoes and my wife holding onto 2 pairs of her own, my eyes widened again for the 2nd time that evening.
I was about to say something when she warned me.
Wife : Don’t you dare say anything!
The kids giggled, they are well aware of my complaints about my wife’s heels and footwear hogging the shoe cabinets.
2 : Everyone has something except papa. I’m sorry Papa.
I smiled. Honestly, i’ve never cared much about shoes once i stopped going to office in shirt and pants. I have a pair of heavy boots i wear to site, a pair of dress shoes for days i need to dress up, and a pair of running shoes. That’s it, and i suspect it’s probably around the same for you guys too.
My concerns for footwear nowadays, is whether my wife is going to wear them into the bedroom. And that is exactly what i asked the moment i had a chance to.
James : you bought heels ah?
Wife : yah, for Jean’s wedding, and no. i’m not doing it.
James : I haven even asked.
Wife : I know what you want. So my answer is no.
James : Last time you not like that one. Last time from Butter factory to Zouk then directly into into the room, onto the bed everything also can.
She laughed, made a face at me before saying ‘too bad’
It’s late, everyone has hit the sack except me. I told my wife i need to reply some emails but i’m actually catching up with some writing in the living room.
I switch off the lights, leaving only the glow of my laptop screen to light up the living area.
I did a bit of writing before i stopped and just sat in the dark.
As a child, I was always afraid of the dark and the unknown that it held. But as I’ve grown older, I have learned to appreciate the peace and stillness that the darkness can bring.
Alright, i think i’m done for this entry and it’s back to my writing.
Will update again soon.
Diary entry 19/4/24
I’m experiencing a bad writer’s block working on ‘Home’. Maybe it’s more of a dilemma rather than a block. All i need to do is fill in the blanks, expand the details and scene i have mapped out but i find myself at the crossroads when it comes to some characters. To kill or not to kill? This is one of the reason why i’m taking so long in between each update.
It’s moving forward, i’m still writing, but the pace is much slower than i want it to be. I’m not sure if there is a term for this, maybe writer’s guilt? I don’t know.
Last night, while having a conversation with my number 2, she revealed she was a bit hurt when her friend says her house is small. She has invited that friend to her place before last year for a birthday party. I don’t know that friend well, but from my conversations with 2, it seems like she always say weird things that don’t exactly make sense. I told 2 not to be bothered by that, because she may not mean it that way.
James : I think our house is just nice, not too big, not too small.
2 : I like our house too. It’s very cozy. I don’t like big houses.
I breathe a sigh of relief because that friend of hers stays in a landed property. I explained to 2 that, relative to the place she stays in, of course our place is small, but perhaps she didn’t mean it in a way that is making fun of her. Still, 2 is rather upset and is thinking of withdrawing her invite. To give some context in size, my place is like the space of a typical 4rm HDB. It’s a old condo. Before you go ‘wah’ and all, know that the bulk of the downpayment, and monthly installment is paid for by my wife.
And yes, i know, before you go on about ‘wah so good, just live off your wife’, yadda yadda yadda, try to put yourself in my perspective. Say what you want about us living in a modern society and all, you never know what kind of stuff people are talking about behind my back.
Family finances are ok, we’re not struggling or anything, but perhaps for selfish reasons of my own, i felt that if we had continued staying in a HDB, i would have realised my dream of writing full time by now. My wife is not wrong to want a better life for her and the kids, and i try to change my perspective and look at the property as a forced savings of sort.
One thing is clear for both me and my wife though, was that when we retire, we will definitely be staying in public housing. Whatever we make, if we make any, from the sale of current place, will probably used to help the kids get a place of their own when they grow up. Price has appreciated a little since we got it but so has everything else. Sometimes i have weird thoughts like if i just die in an accident, the insurance will pay off the property and my family will be debt free. Ok, i’m slowly drifting towards that depression causing side of my brain, and i guess i better stop this line of thought.
Singaporeans are obsessed with properties, just look at all the crowded showrooms. I have friends who made a lot of money just buying new launches and selling them when they no longer incur stamp duty after a few years. I also have friends who bought into the sell 1 buy 2 strategy and mess up their whole life. It got so bad, the couple separated. It’s also down to a bit of bad luck for them because they were both retrenched during covid, and despite the pandemic being over for so long, they have yet to get back to where they were in terms of career standing.
At a recent gathering with close friends i meet up once or twice a year, we just sat around the BBQ pit with a beer in hand, lamenting about the state of our lives.
We all agreed that everything looks good on the outside, but how many people knew what the true situation is for us.
You know the saying, ‘ you see me good, i see you good’ , we all think someone else is having it better than us without knowing the true circumstances they are in.
My friend who hosted us in his landed property in Sunset way looks like the model Singaporean who has ‘made it’ in life. Got Car, got wife, 2 kids, stay landed, got career, isn’t this the epitome of the Singaporean dream?
Look beyond the surface and you will realise there are more than meets the eye. The place is rented, car belongs to his auntie who lets him borrow it when he needs it. Wife doesn’t work, and he is shouldering all the expenses. Sure, he earns a comfortable 15k a month, but do your math, and you can tell. He is bleeding every month, dipping into his savings to stay afloat. The BBQ meat we had that day? , he drove into Malaysia, broke the law and brought raw meat into the country. Even the charcoal is from Malaysia. Lucky for him, he owns a 4 room HDB that he is renting out to help with the expenses, and his industry is pretty generous with bonuses. Still, he shared that for someone who is more than 40 years old in Singapore, he has less than 20000 in savings.
Another one works in a bank, wife is a former SQ stewardess. Got property collecting rent behind Plaza Sing, wife bought another property in town also and is waiting for TOP. They have one kid, and everything seems so rosy on the surface.
Well, wife stopped working after marriage, and has been trying to dabble in various home business and venture, they all failed. Rent the tenant is paying for the studio barely covers the mortgage and taxes. The property the wife bought under her name using his money, was transacted with a male agent who the wife is really closed to. Her BFF, one where they spend a lot of time together. Read enough of the rubbish i write on this site, and you should have a pretty clear idea of what i think about BFF with someone of the opposite sex. He hasn’t gone as far as to say the wife is having an affair, but he expressed displeasure about her spending a lot of time with him.
One has flexible timing, the other is stay at home wife, BFF some more, this is starting to sound like a plot i can write about.
When people who i’m not close to look at me, they probably come to this conclusion.
‘Wah James, you boss leh, got wife, got 2 kids, stay condo, drive car’
I cringe every time someone says that because aside from a few close friends, no one knows my situation.
I draw a fix pay from the company, a figure less than what a manager at F&B industry will earn nowadays. I see those large banners outside Paradise group advertising the pay for restaurant manager and i just went wow. Perhaps with OT, even the waitering staff will make more than me. The condo?, haha. Almost 20 year old condo, lift breaks down in the estate almost on a monthly basis. And getting a lift fixed in private estate isn’t as straight forward as a call to the town council.
I borrowed the downpayment for the 2nd hand car from my wife, and have just finished repaying her recently. I could have sold some of my stocks to pay for it but i would have taken a paper loss. It took me 2 years to repay her for the downpayment.
Now add that to the fact that she is shouldering more family expenses than me, perhaps the phrase should be changed to’
‘what James you loser leh, eat soft rice, depend on wife’
I know my wife doesn’t mind. She didn’t want me to repay her but i insisted. My fragile ego will not allow me to accept her money.
At my lowest point, i was only contributing like 10% of the family’s expenses.
Things are looking better now, it’s improving. Business is doing ok, clients are paying on time, cash flow looks stable so far and i pray it stays that way.
Site takings is slowly growing too.
I am still a bit away from being able to contribute 50% of the family’s expenses. A rough estimate has me shouldering about 35%, while my wife took up the rest.
Sorry for the rant, but sometimes, i just need an outlet to vent. One where i won’t be judged, or rather, i cannot be judged because this is just a wall of text floating in cyberspace.
Taken as a whole, I’m very thankful for what life has given me so far, and for every little blessings that comes my way. The best of them all would be my family. They don’t know about this site, and i think it would be best to keep it that way.
Alright, i think i’ve vent enough for a Friday. I’m going to get back to my writing.
Have a great weekend all.
James S
Diary entry 26/4/24
Recently i made a scheduled trip on a weekday into Malaysia to visit my grandmother. It was a really rush trip, in and out on the same day. The last time i wrote about her, i think it was just after Covid. This trip was done in the middle of the school term and my kids are not with me.
I set off early in the morning with only my parents for the quiet drive up north. Upon arriving at the kampung, we made a detour to had a quick breakfast and buy food for my grandmother, aunts and cousins who are already there.
The last time i saw my grandmother, she was waving goodbye to me by the door as i drove off. Her legs may be weak but she could still walk about unassisted for short distance. This time round, she was on a wheelchair. The first thing my parents said to her was if she recognised them.
She took a couple of seconds before smiling, then she called out their name. They immediately pointed to me and asked if she remembers me too. Her smile became brighter and she called out my name as well, laughing as brightly as someone who is turning 90 could.
I bit down on my teeth as i greeted her. She lost weight, her right foot is a little swollen. As the family talked, i caught snippets of the conversation. She could no longer use the bathroom on her own and requires help on many of the daily activities.
I felt really bad and as much as i want to talk to her, i couldn’t find common topics beyond asking if she had eaten, has she had her morning coffee, or if she needed anything from the supermarket.
When the family gathered around the table to eat, i watched my aunt put a disposable bid around her neck. My grandmother insisted on feeding herself. I clenched my toes and my teeth as i stared. Her right hand holding the fork was trembling, and the noodles that she is trying to put into her mouth dropped all over. I had to look away for a second to calm myself down, it’s really heart breaking to see someone you love in that situation. My grandmother was unfazed by the fact that half the noodles she picked up fall onto the bib. She continued eating, displaying the same kind of resilience that allowed her to bring up so many kids single-handedly.
She could not support a cup of coffee, not even with both hands. My aunt helped her and even as she sips the coffee, i could see bits of it spilling from the side.
I wanted to walk away by then, because i knew i could not take any more of that image. I fought a battle in my mind, part of me wanted to step out of the kitchen, the other part wanted to be there. I wanted to see my grandmother, to be with her a bit longer, even if it’s for a few more minutes.
Aging is a natural process that everyone goes through, but it becomes more apparent when you witness it firsthand.
While my grandmother rest after her meal, we went on a quick grocery trip to buy some stuff that she may need around the house. We drove around the neighbourhood, buying food and bread that she liked, and of course, i got some for myself.
We arrived at about 7.30am in the morning, and by 3pm, we were getting ready to leave for Singapore. My mum will be staying with her for a few days while i come back out with my Dad. Before i left, i asked my mum to help me take a picture of me and my grandmother. As much as i wanted to stay longer, work and family commitments made it impossible for me to do so. I made a mental note to remind myself that one day, i may be in the same situation.
I will be old, my kids have family and lives of their own, and it’s going to be difficult for them to be by my side all the time. As depressing as that may sound, this is life.
It was a quiet drive back to Singapore, and since it’s a weekend, there were no Jam at the causeway. I dropped my dad off and by the time i was back home, the kids were starving. I reheated the same noodles that my grandma had for lunch for the family, it’s something everyone liked. While we ate, i updated them about my grandma’s situation. The kids were sad to hear about her deterioration and asked if they could visit her soon.
I promised the kids that we would plan a visit to see their great-grandmother soon, and they seemed satisfied with that. As we finished our meal, I couldn’t shake off the image of my grandmother struggling to feed herself earlier in the day. It haunted me, that stark reminder of mortality and the inevitable march of time.
My wife and i celebrated 2’s birthday recently. I asked her what she would like for her birthday. She kept smiling in a shy manner and said she doesn’t know.
I asked if there is something special she wants to eat as a treat, her answer is chicken rice. haha.
She celebrated her birthday in her own special way by having chicken rice during recess and for lunch. Yes, she is infatuated with chicken rice. Fragrant rice with white chicken, preferably with skin and that layer of yummy jelly like fats underneath.
I told her to slowly think about what she wants as a present, it’s ok if she thinks of it after her birthday. We can always get it then.
Later that evening, she came running to me and said she knows what she wants already.
James : ok. what is it? Red packet? go to a indoor adventure park? rock climbing? ice cream and waffles?
2 : No no no…heheheh..
She was gigglish and all like she was embarrassed to say it.
James : Then? what is it?
2 : Can you don’t work and play with me?
2 : But if you are rushing something then it’s ok…
I smiled and clicked the saved button, shutting down the drafting and 3D program. I shut down the computer and closed my laptop which had the word doc of another short story minimised.
James : I won’t do anything today except play with you.
2 was so happy that she rushed out and told her sister but 1 was just ‘meh’. She’s getting to the age where she’s acting like a young adult. However, she could not resist joining in after a while. The games we played were silly, from operating a supermarket, to packing stuff for a trek up a snowy mountain, to sitting on some forest log ride made out of mattresses, pillows and bolsters.
We laughed, shouted and screamed, doing all matters of silly stuff that includes using cotton ear buds as darts to throw at my wife. She is the only one that is not amused, especially not when we called her a yeti after she puts on her face mask.
They were too pumped up to sleep after that and i got another scolding from my wife, next day is a school day. haha.
When the lights are off and calm has returned to the house once again, i turned on my computer to pick up from where i left off. I find myself staring at the screen for a while.
In our daily grind, we chase after career advancements, better pay, and material comforts, often overlooking what truly enriches our lives. The moments spent with loved ones, building lasting memories, are what we’ll hold onto at the end of the day.
If I ever find myself in a wheelchair, struggling to feed myself, I don’t want my memories to be filled with the pursuit of material possessions. Instead, I want to look back on a life of chasing my dreams, spending time with my loved ones, laughing and playing together.
The choices we make about how we spend our time, whom we spend it with, and what we prioritize are ultimately the legacies we leave behind.
I’ll touch a bit more about my writing plans, progress and updates in my next entry.
Have a good weekend all.
James S
Diary entry 3/5/24
This update will be about my progress towards writing full time for a living. Numbers, numbers and more numbers. Whenever i have time to do so, i will churn out numbers and data, and those information allows me to make fact and logic driven decisions.
As much as i would love to be able to just write and do nothing else, the reality is i still need to supplement the site takings with other side gigs and job. My definition of writing full time has changed and evolved over the years. Who doesn’t want that ‘sitting at a cafe at 9am rush hour while it’s drizzling outside’ kind of romantic writing setup? I also want, but a more realistic scenario will be me sitting in a coffee shop with free wireless SG access drinking kopi O kosong while getting stared at by bored aunties and uncles. haha.
Okay, enough rubbish, i’m going straight to the numbers. My day job takes care of my basic contribution to the family, insurance premiums, mortgage, allowance to parents, bills, taxes, kids and what nots. That practically wipes out everything out. Yes, it’s literally zero after accounting for the above. No savings, no backup, nothing. Zilch. And that is with my wife shouldering the bulk of the family financial responsibility.
I’m hitting the deliveries hard during late morning and lunch time as much as i could, i’m not picky as long as pick up is nearby. Together with the occasional gig jobs, i am pretty much living off the money i make off these. As in these are my own spending money. I can piss them off on useless trinkets, use it for a wedding invite, or buy birthday gifts. Anything left after will be kept aside to top up for months where i don’t have time to do so many deliveries or gig jobs. Some months i get more if there’s public holidays and incentives or rewards and stuff, some months are slower. Average it out, i’m getting about 4-450-ish for deliveries after factoring cost of fuel, and i have a steady stream of freelance gig jobs that gets me additional 2-300 a month on average.
I don’t spend much on myself nowadays, i don’t feel the need to do so, flexible timing meant i could eat when it’s off peak, and i usually cook my own lunch 80% of the time. If i feel the need to indulge myself once in a while, 3 meat 2 vege at a cai fan stall will make the stall owner call me ‘yandao’ at least 5 times.
Site takings are stable, it’s not growing exponentially, nor is it dropping sharping. It’s just moving sideways. I’m past the 50% mark to hit this full time in terms of revenue. After accounting for cost, site domains, plugins, editing fees and what not, the site has been profitable for the past couple of years. Yeah! The few hundred i get after netting off all cost are carefully split into different portions. Some goes straight into an investment account, some into emergency funds that i will need when i go full steam on this, and the rest into building a T-bill ladder.
Took me more than a year to set this up with the money i slowly squirrel away, but i’m please to share that i have finally achieved a small goal of having 6 months of T-bill ladder set up. Every month hence forth, i will have 1000 worth of T-bill maturing, and i will continue to reinvest them, eventually, i hope to build up a safety buffer of 2000 × 6 months. It’s going to take a while but i know i can do it. It just takes time. Having this buffer gives me some reassurance that i have something to fall back on when i dial down on my day job.
As for my day job, i have spoken to my partner and sort of dropped him a hint that this is not something i want to do for the rest of my life. Then again, i’m not someone who will just wash my hands off everything in an irresponsible manner. I told him eventually i want to do just one job at any one time, as in one project. That’s it. That gives me more time with my family. I reassure him it’s not going to happen anytime soon, and if that were to happen, i will give him ample warning.
When i can finally write full time, this will be my setup.
Safety net :
1) 6 months of T-bill ladder @ 2000 each. If i can don’t touch it, i will continue to roll it.
2) Emergency cash of 5000
Income source :
1) 4-500 from parcel and food deliveries. ( This is doable, i’ve done it for close to a year)
2) gig jobs + 1 project from day job
3) Bulk of my income should come from my writing and the site revenue.
With this, i hope to be able to spend 80% of my time writing and creating new works. My rest and break time if i need to grab some fresh air or get new inspiration, will be spent doing the deliveries.
So the golden question is how long more will i get there?
I wish it were tomorrow, but putting things into perspective, it’s going to take a few years. Come end June, it will be 4 years since i started seriously working towards my dream.
As i get closer each day, i can also feel the goal post moving slightly due to a variety of reasons. Inflation being one of them.
A Kaya toast set during 2020 in a popular chain cost $4.8, today, it’s $6.3. Not that i need to survive on kaya toast but with everything getting more expensive, the sense of insecurity i get increases year on year.
It makes me wonder when the day comes when i finally take the plunge, will all the planning and amount i set aside be enough? What if it isn’t? I don’t want to have a situation where i can’t afford to spend on my family and give them a life they deserve?
I know many have done more with less, and if i were single and still living with my parents with no commitment, i might have taken the plunge already, but that’s not the case for me.
I really appreciate all the support and words of encouragement you guys have given me over the years. Those little pushes and nudges helped me get closer to my goals every day. Half step, one step, two steps, everyday i’m getting closer. Even if the goal post moves a little every once in a while, i know i will catch up. I have to.
When i depart from this realm, i will leave behind a legacy, a treasure trove of stories that hopefully, will forever be on the internet, and continued to be read by people who are not yet born today.
I will live my dream, or i will die chasing it.
James S
Diary entry 14/5/24
Past week has been turbulent for me, in my personal life at least. I didn’t want to share this initially but when a long dormant chatgroup came to life, i thought maybe it’ll be good to put this down. In the future, i can read this entry again and remind myself of this episode i don’t want to visit.
It’s about 1’s studies and her resistance towards CHinese language in particular. For those of you with kids around the same age, i don’t know if you face the face problem, but if you do, trust me, you are not alone.
I tried to be patient, but even the most patient person has limits, and i’ll be the first to admit, i’m not exactly a patient person when it comes to family matters. I have not seen 1’s 听写 results since 2024 started. She keeps giving excuses, she forgot to bring back, she left it in school, the teacher never returned it to her. Month after month, it’s always a new excuse and it really got on my nerve. I know the results are not good, and i’m not unhappy about the results. I’m unhappy about her trying to avoid the issue and pushing it off to a later date.
This matter has been brewing for a while and when other school related matters culminated at once, i exploded. The shouting match, the slamming of tables, doors, and in the heat of a moment, i became the very person i swore not to be when i became a father.
I became a shadow of my own father when he disciplined me and my sibling when we were young. It was painful, the pain came from the realisation of who i had become in that moment. I was disgusted with myself, but i was so angry, it didn’t help that my wife was not back from work that evening.
2, who was not even involved, cried in her room, too afraid to come out. It was that bad.
And all because of what?
Fucking 听写, fucking math problem sums, how many more fucking pens Bala has more than John, how many apples Mary bought, how many more oranges Peter has.
I knew i needed to calm down, i had to step out of the house. i grabbed a bottle of whisky, and locked myself in the car. It’s been a while since i cried but tears were on the verge of falling out by then as i stare at the bird dropping stains on my windscreen.
No, in the end i didn’t drink, part of me knew if i did, it will probably made thing worse. Probably also because i grabbed the 12 year old Yoichi which has less than a quarter left. I’m not wasting that on rage drinking.
30 minutes later, when i have calmed down enough, i went back up to the house. It was eerily calm, 1 was trying to practise her 听写 even though she was still crying.
I apologised for my outburst, i hugged her and she cried even harder in my arms.
That was the final breaking point for me; my own tears started to flow as well. I wasn’t completely sobbing, but all of the pent-up emotions and tears finally broke through their barrier.
She just held onto me for a long time and i apologised for the way i behaved. When she calmed down enough, i made she she understood that i’m not angry about her results or whatever, i’m upset about her avoidance. There are a lot of things i wished i could tell her but i can’t, not now, not at this age.
I wish i could tell her to fuck the 听写, fuck the problem sums. It’s almost 30 years since i left primary school, no one has ever fucking come up to me, tell me how much oranges her has, and ask me to tell him how much more he should buy to have twice the amount of what Peter has.
No one has ever come up to me with coins, asking me about how many of each denomination they need in order to do something. No one gives a fuck how you cut up pizza into equal slices. If i go to a fruit stall, and the owner tells me the apple cost twice that of the orange and a 1/3 of the pineapple, i will end up in jail and the front page of a newspaper.
I have so much i want to say but i held my tongue. I knew it was irresponsible to say things like that. It’s something every kid has to go through if you grow up in Singapore.
As for the chatgroup that came to life, it was a group from 1’s preschool. The mummies started sharing a circular put out by a school, apparently a student took his own life due to stress. In Primary school !
All weighted assessment will be cancelled in that school, and counsellors will be deployed to help the affected kids. Losing a friend, can be traumatizing also. News like this don’t get reported on social media. Maybe there are other underlying issues, we’ll never know.
In Singapore, there are no natural disasters or wars. It’s just terrible that kids feel overwhelmed solely by the demands of school.
The episode reminded me of the time when i was a kid. Yes i was wacked by my father, the shouting, the flare up. Yes i can say i bounced back, i’m fine, i’m ok, i still finished school and i’m still breathing but truth is, i’m probably not ok. Perhaps i’m broken in some way that i am not even aware of.
Every week as a father brings about new challenges and opportunities to reflect on my own childhood. It’s a difficult balance, trying to guide my kids through their own struggles while still grappling with my own demons.
I want to break the cycle of of anger and frustration that had plagued my family for generations, ok sorry, i’m being dramatic there. I don’t know if my grandfather was like that, i did get wack by my grandfather before though, but that was because my cousins and i were naughty.
The chatgroup’s discussion about the tragedy at the primary school served as a stark reminder of the fragility of mental health, especially in a high-pressure environment like Singapore.
I may be writing a fiction story about a war in Singapore, but i find myself fighting one in real life everyday.
A constant battle of wanting to protect, nurture, and guide your children while also facing the harsh realities of the world that they must learn to navigate on their own.
And to my future self who will re-read this post, i want to say
‘don’t let your unresolved issues from childhood manifest in your current parenting struggles.’
and one last thing, i’m glad i didn’t fuck that problem sum and 听写 when i was in primary school. If not, i wouldn’t be who i am today.
I’ll end this entry with a quote by Margaret Thatcher
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”
And I will keep fighting.
James S
Diary entry 28/5/24
Regardless of which stage of your life is at, we all have something to look forward to. Perhaps the things are less exciting than your younger days but nevertheless, I have found that incorporating small checkpoints throughout my day helps me navigate and balance my work, personal life & family.
Let’s start with the small and insignificant ones, ones that i don’t even think about when i’m younger. Lunch. haha. I find myself looking forward to lunch everyday because breakfast is just 2 half boiled eggs most of the time for me. I’ll usually be starving by lunch. If i’m working from home, i’ll cook my own lunch, usually something simple. Cooking and preparing my own lunch is therapeutic, and sitting down to eat it while watching a drama without being disturbed, that’s paradise. For a uncle like me at least. If i’m out doing deliveries or meeting clients, this will come in the form of sourcing out new coffee shops and good places to eat at. When i manage to find something that’s good and reasonably priced, i give myself a pat on my back for finding that hidden gem without referring to online blogs and sites for recommendations. Cheap thrills, but oddly satisfying enough to make me happy.
After the lunch break, the next milestone i look forward to will be my bed at the end of the day. It’s not the lying down, its not the rest or sleep. It’s that magical 2-3 seconds as i get climb onto the bed.
To be more specific, it’s the point when my knees make contact with the bed.
I find that small window of transition particularly calming, it became like a ceremony of sort to me. Yes, i’m weird. It’s hard to explain but that moment marks the end of a day, it doesn’t matter if it’s a good or bad one, it’s the end of the day, i made it through, i’m still breathing. Yes. working from home allows the flexibility of climbing into bed anytime you want but i don’t like the idea of touching my bed before the day is over, especially before i showered, washed up and changed in my sleep boxers.
The icing on the cake would be if my wife turns around, smiles at me like she wants to help Singapore with her birth rate but that doesn’t happen. Ever. Not after we have kids anyway. So cake with no icing is what i get. Not that i never tried, but most of the time, instead of icing, i get an icy stare that says, ‘ i’ve done my agreed quota this month’, or ‘do you want a slap to help you sleep?’ It never stop me from trying though, sometimes i get lucky and scores a bonus, sometimes i just want to see her irritated face.
Must be something weird in the marriage soup, sometimes you just want to irritate the hell out of one another.
Moving beyond shot checkpoints like lunch and sleep, would be the weekends. Everyone looks forward to the weekends. Weekends for parents follow a routine most of the time. My Saturdays are busy, i try to sort out my work and meetings by noon if any. And when i’m doing that, my wife brings the kids for their tuition, enrichments etc. On a typical saturday, i will be able to meet them for a late lunch after they are done with their stuff.
Late Saturday afternoons till evening are really precious to me. We usually keep this period free to spend time at home and with each other. The kids can watch TV, play a bit of games, sometimes we go out for walks, maybe swim. Sometimes we just slack at home playing lego or just roll about in the living room thinking about what to have for dinner. Since i cook on most weekdays, Saturday evenings meals are one that we almost always eat out. Kids want ‘aircon’ places, but i don’t. I like coffee shops, hawker centres and so we alternate the visits. If we go to a ‘aircon’ place this week, next week will be to a
‘non aircon spot’.
Sunday is the only day the kids get to sleep in late and wake up anytime they want. I don’t disturb them and i usually just head out for my morning run. Regardless if it’s a weekday or a weekend, i’m always up at 6, maybe 6.30 if it’s drizzling or raining. Sunday is the only day of the week i get to see my parents and my sibling too. Lunch with in laws, dinner with my parents and family, and that pretty much wraps up the weekend.
Moving beyond weekends and public holidays, i have to say i look forward to every family holiday. It could be a short 2D1N trip across the causeway or a longer trip via a flight. I treasure every moment of it. My wife and i knew the kids will not want to travel with us once they get older and enter their teens, so we’re going to make sure we make plenty of memories with them before they reach that stage. Using myself as an example, there’s sort of a gap period in my life where i just don’t want to do anything with my family. By 15, i chose to stay home while the rest of the family head out for meals. I’m happy to just cycle around the neighbourhood and dabao caifan for dinner and eat it in front of the TV. Then comes army, early work years, it was not until my mid-twenties that i start to gravitate back to my family. I know that’s probably going to happen when my kids grow up and realise daddy and mummy are no longer cool enough to be hanging around with.
Holidays for family with kids do not happen on the spur of the moment. It takes months of planning and saving up. As i write this, the family is busy getting ready, we will be escaping reality and going for a long awaited holiday. Tickets were bought last October.
I’ll be taking a short break from writing and will try to go unplugged for a few days. Looking forward to make more memories with the family while i still can.
James S
Diary entry 10/6/24
Diary entry 10/6/24
Coming back from a break leaves me feeling refreshed mentally but it’s not exactly a bed of roses for the body. My wife started feeling sick just before she boarded the plane and upon landing, the rest of the family started falling sick one after another. Me included.
Probably due to the red-eye flight and not getting enough rest and all. It’s been a couple of days since we are back and the whole family is still in a semi-zombified state. I’m surviving on a shitload of coffee while doing my work. The dust at the site is making my nasal discomfort worse. Kids have a bad sore throat and are whiny and irritable as hell. Did a swap test for the whole family and thankfully it’s not covid. Probably some other strain that is going around.
We spend slightly more than a week in Japan binge eating stuff that we would usually only save for special occasions. Ramen, Unagi, raw sashimi, oysters and the likes. They cost a fraction of what it cost in Singapore. The strong SGD also helped keep the trip within budget and the highest we managed to grab was 1 to 116 on a travel debit card. That’s quite a good rate, the best cash rate i got was 112 a few weeks ago.
It’s the kids first visit to Japan, while for my wife and me, it’s been 15 years since we last went to the land of the rising sun. It felt like a lifetime ago.
The trip was not all smooth sailing though, was notified that there will be a 45 minutes delay just after we cleared security. Thankfully it was resolved and we were only about 20 minutes behind schedule. Probably due to strong tailwind or some magic, we still arrived on time. By the time we got to our hotel, it’s already close to 11pm.
Anyway, the kids are excited, the adrenaline of flying and a holiday is still pumping through their veins. Everyone finally settled down around 1am. I thought the holiday will be drama free but a few days in, perhaps due to lack of sleep, 1 gets really cranky in the morning. The raised voices started again and she ended up going into a full meltdown. We left her in the room and went for our buffet breakfast without her, 30 minutes later, i went back up and found her sobbing in the corner. Thankfully that was the only meltdown for the trip, she’s just tired. I told her we’ll cut back on some of the sites we planned for the subsequent days so everyone can get more rest.
I thought that was it for the drama but guess what, earthquake struck. It struck on the day we decided to let the kids sleep in and skip breakfast. I was half awake, just collected coffee and some bread. Suddenly everyone’s phone in the restaurant started ringing at the same time. I looked at my phone and saw an earth quake alert.
Inside my mind, i just went ‘FUCK!’ in capital letters. On the one day we decided to let the kids sleep alone in their room, this had to happen. I grabbed my phone, told my wife to stay where she is and i started running towards the stairs. The paternal instinct just kicked in, i could feel the rush of adrenaline like i just jumped off the platform for bungee. I was all pumped up and then i realised something.
No one gave a fuck about the warning, not the other Japs having breakfast, not the staff clearing trays and serving food. Someone gestured to me saying ‘ok, ok, don’t worry. Just earthquake’
I did a double take and looked around the restaurant, i was the only one panicking. My wife was too shocked to move and decided that her miso soup and tempura is more important than her life because when i went back, she was dipping the tempura into her soup instead of the sauce.
wife : What are you back!
James : No one is moving
Wife : then how?
James : I don’t know. The staff said it’s ok.
In the end, we decided to continue eating. Unable to get the kids off my mind, i took a few bites and went back up to check on them. They are both sound asleep. Maybe i’m just over-reacting. The news later showed the footage for the earthquake some distance away. It’s not near where we are but watching the camera shake and some of the footages on Tv, made me realised how lucky we are to be living in Singapore.
I’ve had brief periods to just shut off my mind during the trip. I can just totally switch off about work, projects, materials, client’s requirements and complains, and just focus on myself. Especially when i’m sitting butt naked in an onsen. It was truly my ‘alone time’ as i sat in the pool cooking myself.
I tried to switch off but kept getting interrupted by random thoughts. Life, work, kids, friends, my writing and etc. It was close to the middle of our trip by the time i get to hit the onsen and i find myself reflecting on those moments with my kids.
Watching them accomplish tasks that I never imagined they could do by themselves fills my heart with a warm and comforting feeling. I still remember 1 clinging onto me during our first holiday, she was nervous on the plane and holding onto me like a koala, refusing to let go. Now, she is happily navigating the in flight entertainment and she has moved on from her ‘apple juice’ for her in flight drink, asking for oolong tea instead. In a few years, i can picture her asking for a glass of wine or a beer.
2, being the baby of the family is growing up really fast too. I let her take on simple task like topping up our transport card at the machine. I showed her how to do it once and it became her responsibility for the rest of the trip. I let them buy their own ramen ticket from the vending machine, get their own change for Gachapon, and if they needed the washroom, they go and ask where it is.
We bought plenty of clothes too at the fashion chain GU. It’s something like Uniqlo, but wider selection. When we walk past the branded boutiques, i held onto my wife like i’m holding her hostage. She has a few bags made of dead animals already, and she seldom carries them. In the interest of saving the earth and environment, she should not be bringing more animal skin back home. Thankfully, she’s past the phase, and is happy to just window shop.
When we got to Lululemon however, it’s another story. Despite a queue outside the stall, my wife insists on going in.
James : you already have a lot of sports bra and tights.
Wife : I can’t be wearing the same ones all the time.
James : your male colleague probably steals your gym gear to masturbate every time you forget to bring them home.
She gave me an irritated look before replying ;
Wife : Then i have to make sure they always get something different isn’t it? Always the same it’s so boring.
James : wtf, something wrong with you…
wife : You then something wrong with you.
Before i knew it, i was sitting in the corner catching pokemons with the kids while my wife shops for more lululemon apparel for her male colleagues to masturbate to.
Till date, she has lost a pair of sports bra, a single sock, hand cream, shower gel, facial mask and a single unused pad from her desk. I always tell her it’s probably in one of her colleague’s house and he’s using it to masturbate while thinking of her. She will roll her eyes at me and give me a equally lame reply, something along the line of;
wife : i hope it’s my boss, maybe my bonus will be more.
If the culprit happen to read this, Please don’t steal, at least have the courtesy to put it back after you are done. I’m sure my wife wouldn’t mind as long as it’s not damaged.
At night, when she tries on her loot again in the room, i gave her the kind of look she wished i wouldn’t.
Wife : No…kids are next door.
James : But it’s lulu…
Wife : I lend you, you go and lulu yourself in the toilet.
So long story short, no sex during the trip. To be honest, i was too tired to do it. I rather go soak in the onsen. My wife is in her early 40s, she’s a shadow of her formal self , but i still find her attractive, so do other men. Older men, haha. The last time someone tried to pick her up was when we were in Thailand a couple of years ago. Some Ang moh in his sixties offered to buy her a drink and asked if she would like to go over to his table. The frequency of her getting approached and picked up has dwindled to almost nothing, back in her twenties, she will happily brag that she just need to sit down at the bar and the free drinks will start flowing. To me , she looks like she’s still in her late 30s, maybe it’s just a mental illusion haha. I asked her how old i look, her reply is always the same. Like an old pervert.
Actually, i don’t think my wife is pretty or hot, i didn’t choose her because of her looks. I just think she is a nice person and after getting to know her better, realised that we are similar in many ways and we share similar perspectives on many matters. She may not be the pretty SYT she was when i got to know her, but she’s charming in her own Milfy way now.
She admitted that she was attracted to me because i made her laugh, and when she realised i could make her experience more than laughter, she grabbed onto me and refused to let go. Ok, i’m talking cock now, if you have read enough of my rubbish diary entry, i’m sure you can tell. haha. There’s a bit of truth to this ok, i’m the only guy among her past relationships that bothers to make her cum before i do, and that, is a plus point.
Anyway, we travelled among a few cities, the usual suspects and made a trip down to Kobe. It’s more chill, less crowd and the kids prefer Kobe to Kyoto and Osaka.
And finally we made a trip to Universal Studio. It’s like a war zone there, it’s so crowded. I borrowed the Harry potter wands and the wristband for Mario world from friends and saved a chunk there. If not, i think getting those will cost close to 200. The kids loved the interactive games and my wife and i almost had to drag them out of the theme park when they closed. It was an exhausting day and not only was i a bit burnt, i felt as if i just ran a marathon. My watch clocked 28000 steps including the journey to and fro the theme park and i desperately needed an ice cold beer. The convenient stalls in Japan feels more magical to me than Super Mario world. At 11.30pm at night, i could still grab hot fried chicken and a cold beer.
I thought i’m going to put on a lot of weight but i think due to the amount of walking, it sort of balance out the increased food intake. I end up putting on less than 1kg.
We went with 2 suitcases and came back with 4 plus a carry on. The food and souvenirs took up the most space, then it’s the clothes and shoes. I think i practically sorted out my CNY clothes for 2025. No need to buy anymore haha.
That’s it for this entry. I’m going to get my meds, hit the sack early after i sort out everyone’s dinner. I think i should feel better tomorrow, and it’s time to hit the writing full steam ahead.
Will be prepping some stuff to update in the next diary entry to end off this page. July entries will start on a new one.
Stay safe all
James S
Diary entry 14/6/24
Come end June, it will be 4 full years since the subscription format started. Which also meant 4 full years since i started taking this seriously. I’m edging closer to my dream of being able to write full time everyday, no idea how long more it will take, but i’m just going to keep moving forward. It’s been a pleasure so far embarking on this adventure with all your support.
I’m hoping to wrap up ‘Home’ soon and once that is done, i intend to send out invites to meet up with some of the subscribers who have supported me since the beginning. It will not be a group meeting , just a simple 1 to 1 meal, or perhaps a coffee or curry puff. haha.
Site is doing ok, the usual ups and downs but if i were to use an analogy to describe the current situation for my dream, it would be that the boat has moved out of choppy waters just beyond the shore.
The waves aren’t as big, but i still need to keep a steady hand on the rudder and my eyes on the wind direction. One day, when i make it out of the sheltered harbour, i will cruise in the open seas with the wind in my sail and maybe a pod of dolphins swimming beside me.
All the talk about the sea is making me crave for seafood.
There is a slight increase in site taking this month, bringing this year’s average to about 56% of what i’ll need to hit this full time. From 0 to 56% in 4 years, i think it’s not too bad. Hopefully i can get to more than 60 by this time next year.
No changes for my food and parcel delivery, i’m still going at it. It’s a good gig for those extra dough. I don’t mind running about either, it’s good exercise. Perhaps due to the school holidays, the orders are not coming in as much during lunch time, at least not for the areas i’m active in. I make up for this by heading out for another run or two after dinner. Average out, i’m still hitting the amount i need for myself every week.
Day job is moving along fine, have a bit of disagreement with my partner due to conflicting views about certain matters, but that is to be expected in a partnership. We trashed it out and move on.
Just the other day, i got a scolding from my wife for no reasons at all. She just came back from bringing 2 to a birthday party and started snapping at me over guess what, water bottle.
She started talking about other kids are using those expensive BPA free or whatever free sort of water bottle while our kids are using those no brand ones.
Wife : they’re probably drinking plastic everyday!
I didn’t get a chance to speak, she just went on and i just nodded. I know there’s no point talking when she is in that mood to get everything out.
Actually my kids water bottle got brand one, is not no brand. They’re from Mr DIY. haha
They look good, functional, they hold water, they don’t leak. What more do you want in a water bottle?
I’m not a material engineer, but i have a bit of common sense too. I don’t use a plastic chopping board because i know you cut, cut , cut, some plastic may get mixed into the food, that’s why i use a wooden board. But water bottle? Use what? Empty out a gourd?
After she is done, i finally asked.
James : So what special water bottle are they using? drink already will Ace PSLE? No need tuition, can do all the problem sums and 听写 without whining?
Wife : Tsk! i don’t want to talk to you. You don’t care about your kids’ health at all!
The conversation ended there.
Till now, i still have no idea what special, expensive, shit free water bottle she is talking about. I suspect she doesn’t too. If not, she would have already bought it. I think she is upset that we are not aware of such things.
I’m also using a water bottle from Mr DIY. I change it when the silicon stopper gets moldy, that’s it. If you know what fancy, PSLE topping water bottle my wife is talking about, please drop me an email.
If not, i’m probably going to take my SAF water bottle and give it to my kids. Those things are sturdy as fuck, and after more than 20 years, are rock solid.
Will end of the last entry for this diary page with this.
No tax exemptions have been claimed for the donations, there are no personal details in the account used for donation.
As with site traditions, i always set aside a percentage of the takings for giving. This is what we manage to accumulate for the 1st 6 months of the year. Thank you everyone, for your support, and for walking alongside me on my journey to write full time for a living.
Have a good weekend all.